Autistic adult daughter

I will say this, if she's made a break she may not have felt as if she's been afforded enough solitude. Being alone can be pure joy and a source of healing, an artistic space. Being in the wild (concrete jungle even), isolated without tools or wisdom to navigate however is a very different thing and this is the part to help with, matters of safety. But most likely she may have learned to be extra vigilant about this as many of us do by that age. 

Being autistic isn't a struggle in an ideal world. It is being a mismatch in society that is the struggle, and the current situation is much worse than it ever has been in western society, though it's safe to say being autistic and in Ukraine right now is not a walk in the park.

My ideal world wouldn't consist of corporations being allowed to make things which break, but dependable, purposeful and useful items, which also sit geometrically right (at one with purpose and aesthetic). Social matters would consist of people who had a sense of integration between their words and desires and action. Schools would focus on potential and education and precision rather than socialising too much. Spaces would be acoustically treated and in harmony with the environment, we would never have rain and air with micro-plastics in it. But we can't have it all :) 

Thank you so much for your reply and advice. In thinking about my daughter over the last several years I can certainly say that life seemed to overwhelm her at times. If she is autistic then I imagine life must have been a struggle on a daily basis. It certainly seemed like that. There were few tell tale signs as a child but when she started university at age 20 and left home it seemed to trigger a downward spiral in her mental well being.

What you said about valuing clean lines and space struck a chord. My daughter lived in a house we owned; she kept it very clean but there were no photographs or personal items around, only what she actually needed and she was always dissatisfied with something. My husband replaced the shower three times because she kept saying it wasn't working properly.

I appreciate the analogy of having the pendulum swing all the way out to find balance. Thanks also for the links, it helps a little to research because many things I read remind me of my daughter. I know I need to be careful of making assumptions but just want to be prepared in case she does turn to us. We are always here for her and have made financial provision to help her if she wants it.

I completely agree, it's better for her to take control and be healthy. I just worry about her being alone.

Best wishes to you.

I want to add, Continue to stress anything and it will break, so seizing control of our lives and making a break is a better choice than allowing the self to break. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd like to first suggest to let go of the word "estranged". I'm not sure it's needed, but also it has clinical implications of bad situations and it sounds like you're a concerned parent.

Being an autistic adult woman I can tell you family can be daunting. All the males in my family have always been relieved of over-arching social responsibilities and supported into careers: engineering, physics, maths, neurology. The 2 females were essentially demanded of in completely non-autistic ways, expected to relate to others, do small-talk, administrative support and assumed capable of manipulating their way into a marriage. We're both unmarried. My sister has added needs while I managed to find an Autistic engineer as a mentor, I somehow have managed a bit better in life. My head turns to a fog around my mother (who may be ADHD herself but undiagnosed) so I can't get work done. My father may actually be undiagnosed (what would've been Aspergers - this no longer exists) so while he affords me time to focus on whatever I'm reading, my step-mother just interrupts at whim and starts communicating with half digested sentences that apparently other non-autistics would be able to follow. So again, I commit to not thinking about anything too much, nor work when there. They come from different eras, but it costs me and they don't understand this. I love these people but I would be homeless with no future if I hadn't just left to focus on building something that resembles a career path in music tech. And until they understand the fundamental differences in Autistic thinking, spending time with them will cut into my work time and time = money. I should add, my father might want help a little financially but he's not middle class and has 3 children with his wife. 

This is my path. It's not everyones. I also used to call myself an Escape Artist as a bit of a joke. Here's what I experience. Being Autistic, I am naturally analytical. My father seems to get this and will interrogate any argument to the point of frustration but actually I'm back at the library when arguments are incomplete, which is basically all the time. My mother only hears analysis as criticism. Her gut-reaction never really occurred to me until I understood the differences in NeuroTypes and how Autistics use words. One way to think of the differences is like this: One type is structured to keep social collectives together with semiotics and words and the other (Autistic) is the smaller health and safety department. Both need the right mentoring to reach potential. They develop different. Force one group to behave and try to experience life like the other and there will be a breakdown. An autistic thinker subjected to a socius they are a mismatch within and left unnoticed for their potential will fall into a state of depression and ongoing stress, which will then cause anxiety and potentially what appears like BPD. 

It is possible your daughter had a eureka moment and seized the opportunity to take Time for herself. Time to heal and become into her potential. Time to re-think with out any bias or muddying the thought. Time for space to breathe. We need larger than average amounts of uninterrupted space. Have a look at Monotropism monotropism.org It appears to be caused by better gamma waves in the autistic brain. These create a sense of Everything-all-at-once or a sort of chaos, the kind which makes us value clean lines, clean open spaces, nothing on the walls, no patterns, quiet uninterrupted spaces because internally it's a bit much. These are responsible for making full-brian connexions and that kind of flow-state yogis spend a life time seeking. They are responsible for our ability to hyper-focus. They can accelerate out of control and go from excitement to anxiety. 

The telling factor here of intention is the flat was clean. She sounds like she may be seeking to find her own path. And sometimes one must swing a pendulum all the way out to find a new sense of balance. I encourage parents in situations like this to take practical measures for their own sanity by a discipline of investing future-forward. Create a savings for her and put small amounts into it like a ritual. You need to feel a sense of doing something to help in order to navigate this unknown. So when she gets back, you have something with absolutely no strings to relinquish to her as a way to say I wanted to help, so in your absence I created something of value for you to feel supported by. It might not be much, but it's something. 

Maybe look deeper into Autism. This is an interesting read: https://autcollab.org/2020/04/30/autism-the-cultural-immune-system-of-human-societies/?fbclid=IwAR37xumHkRga0hADICA80wxaWycn7_Kr9Oc6uZhcs2zJ0QzamXOI4qwU2bQ The #ActuallyAutistic community on Twitter can be a bit daunting, but among them you'll find doctors and analysts, musicians, philosophers and technicians who might help with a bit of enlightenment.