Alexithymia -- Difficulty Feeling Emotions

I don't really get that calm in a crisis. I tend more to panic, but think I'm being rational.

Mariusz said:

In stressful situations I can be calm and logical when everyone panics

That can be true for me. But equally I can hit overwhelm and panic by something which doesn't bother others.

Interesting. I can feel stress building so there are levels to that, but maybe only once it is already over a certain level. But my husband will keep saying the things which trigger me so each time my stress goes up a notch and I warn him that if he keeps on then I will meltdown and he still finds it hard to stop! (He has his own problems).

I do relate to the 0 to 10 in an instant, usually if somewhere with too many stimuli so there is simply too much to analyse. It's like feeling tolerable then suddenly intolerable. Especially if there is nowhere to escape to quickly. I haven't been anywhere like that since covid though.

I also don't always know I am hungry. Sometimes I feel bad/negative and only when I realise I work it out and find it is that I need to eat. Same with thirst. So I do try and ensure I eat and hydrate regularly so it is less likely to happen. Even temperature thinking about it. I can be like why am I increasingly uncomfortable? Oh I'm too hot. Usually if I am hyperfocus though as otherwise I am more aware of that.

Hi

I'm autistic and alexithymic as well, your experiences and coping mechanism rings a bell but there is so much more to that, it was my last year discovery.

Facts are:

- you can't discern emotions in any situation, when it's happening. And it applies to not being able to read body language of others, and not being able to tell what you are showing yourself. That's why I usually mask to flat-face or slight smile flat-face.

- You do it later in a safe space in order to understand them. I do it in my head only, without writing. But I do have the need for audience when writing something very much like you, otherwise I can't write

Now about discovery:

I watched Auutistomatic series of videos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MHm09yun2M&list=PL3R_uyUBjsuB0BE2NCa4Md7OmDofrCyk4 and he talks about alexithymia being double-edged sword. I agree with that, In stressful situations I can be calm and logical when everyone panics. But there is a price for that blocking of emotions, that dam has a limit without gauge, if you overload you get a  meltdown. So when you get back home it's recommended to process all emotions you experienced when you were out, the way we are doing already. I do it nowadays everyday, to avoid overloading the dam.

I too did not know until fairly recently that other people just know how they are feeling, without having to think about it and work it out logically.

I think that's why most of the time I am feeling pretty neutral. The process of observing and deducing is too much mental effort to bother. Once anger or anxiety hits me big time it becomes obvious.

I read an article recently, explaining about how our inability to pick up on early subtle changes in emotion means that an autistic person can go from 0 (neutral) to 10 (overwhelmed) in an instant.

I like that 'identify the bird' analogy too. I tend to identify my emotions by observing the physical symptoms and using a logical thought process to work it out. 

I had a therapist who, in an attempt to help me with my anxiety, was trying to convince me how similar excitement and anxiety were in terms of physical response. I'm not sure that I really got what she was trying to explain.

Funny thing is before I realised I could be Autistic I never realised other people don't have to think it through. Apparently their bodies give them that information ready formed - who knew? Everyone but me it seems, lol

Yes, I relate to this. I also deduce my own emotions logically. Combined with the fact that I have to deduce other people's emotions logically too, no wonder interactions are so draining for me!

My profile says I am alexithymic too. Funny, I thought I always knew what I felt same as anyone else, but thinking about it I do deduce my emotions logically. I am certainly feeling plenty of them, but naming them does take some thinking through.

I noticed something early on this journey in the pattern of my conversations with my NT best friend. If she calls me as is upset, she will start with "I feel" then move to " therefore I think". I will then ask: "so, what happened?". When she has told me that, I've then got a handle on what she's feeling and why.

If I call her and am upset, I start with "this happened" then move to "therefore I think". She then asks me: "So, do you feel...?" Often, that's the point where I can start to name what I feel.

So for her: Feel, think, explain

For me: explain, think, name the feeling

I get there...but more slowly.

That's probably true about feeling neutral rather than numb.

I can relate to not having feelings for grandparents and being to ashamed to talk about it.

I should clarify that I think I'm a pretty emotional person, it's just hard to get in touch with knowing what those emotions are!

That is a useful way of looking at it.

Alexythymia is not an uncommon comorbitidy, although not part of the actual spectrum apparently. Since discovering it is a thing I reckon I have it at least to some level, though as you say, extensive research reading novels and watching TV etc has helped me understand more about how it works.

I find the easiest part of recognising emotions is whether it is positive or negative, so if I am struggling sometimes then I just go with I feel negative but I'm not sure why or what kind. And sometimes when it is complex there is a mix of both of those which makes it even harder to unpick!

I don't think I feel numb so much as neutral? Like right now I don't feel particularly negative, though there are things I could think about which could cause me to feel down. Nor do I feel particularly positive. I ought to go eat breakfast, which I like but don't find it easy to actually change what I am doing to go do it, so there is that struggle, I will soon go because I can feel a mild irritation at myself building. Am I procrastinating by writing this, or is it that I wanted to write this but then find it irritating that it is delaying my breakfast which has to be done by a certain time or I will end up with minty coffee... I think the latter but am not certain. Oh the struggle I have to even understand me let alone other! Haha.

I think I have always struggled with this, but probably assumed everyone did and it is so hard to put into words anyway. Also trying to feel the appropriate emotions. Like as a kid knowing I was supposed to love my grandparents but we didn't see them very often so how could I develop such feelings for them? I did after some time develop an actual relationship with them as people so I did have some feelings for them which got stronger as time went on, but I think it took longer than is normal? And I never even talked about that with anyone because I feel it is a bit wrong? I a slow developing of certain emotions a part of alexythymia or of autism? Not all emotions, I am sure I have always been an emotional being. I don't know, I am not sure I even make sense to myself any more on this topic, I need to think about it more. Time for breakfast! And I am going to post this rather than leave it to edit later as I will end up endlessly tweaking it and maybe not even post it if I overthink it...

I like the birdwatching analogy. Although with my literalness my first thought was how is birdwatching an emotion...

I told a therapist that I couldn’t identify my emotions and he suggested that my tears of sadness were suggesting sadness.  Since then I try to identify emotions like birdwatching: it’s difficult to see but I attempt to note the physical symptoms I am feeling and then I collate all the facts and the context to identify the ‘bird’. 

Yes. For me, art has saved my life. What I feel I make with, it channels it all and shows me my emotions visually. It's quite fascinating.

Not sure if this adds to your thoughtful post.

Luftmentsch said:

I often struggle to understand or describe them, especially if they’re subtle or conflicted

This. And I find, complicating matters, the conflicted emotions make me often inert - so I seem indecisive or not considering what is the issue in front of me - as the emotions inside esculate and overwhelm.

Luftmentsch said:

particularly the terrible trio of depression, anxiety and despair

The unholy trinity. I remember an argument when someone said I cultivate these - my response was that these are the most certain and clear. 

Luftmentsch said:

A lot of the time I feel rather numb and blank, sometimes with a faint undertone of mild depression or mild anxiety.

This has been a frequent experience - to the extent that moments of being present are sometimes hauntingly interrupted by a sense this will reappear.

Luftmentsch said:

My main way of processing emotions is through writing. I’ve written a journal-type blog most days since 2006 (excluding an eighteen month period where I stopped) and that helps me process the events of the day, as well as get feedback from my small, but supportive readership. This probably sounds strange, but sometimes I don’t really know how I feel about things until I write them down. I’ve tried private journaling, but somehow I need a sense of an audience, even a very small one, to give me the impetus to communicate. If I can’t write on one day for some reason, I tend to carry around all the thoughts of that day with me and feel a need to offload.

This doesn't seem strange: this sounds like a good process. (I personally find with such attempts I either start looping back to old issues or I find it difficult to state anything beyond the concrete, e.g. X happened, but not what I feel about it or what it signifies/means - but that is because, perhaps, I have difficulty imagining an audience.) An unintended aspect - I can, looking at my handwriting, see a descent into certain emotions.

Luftmentsch said:

I write fiction to try to understand bigger emotions, including ones that I haven’t personally experienced. I’ve always read a lot too and I think that’s probably an attempt to learn about emotions, on some level. I guess I get that from TV and film too, although I find modern TV and film overwhelming in its amplified display of emotions sometimes, at least what I see of it (which isn’t much).

Books and films were - and to some extent, are - for me a method to explore my own emotions.