Hey everyone, thanks for dropping on here. I’ve lately been reading a whole lot on autism and there a few traits that really resonate with me, yet I still need to hear from those officially diagnosed.
Introducing myself, I’m a 25-year-old male, I’m gay and don’t really have a fixed gender identity either (it’s more fluid than anything), yet for my whole life, I’ve always felt different but not for those reasons (at least, not anymore). Socially, it’s always felt like there just isn’t something inside me, like there’s a missing piece that makes someone who they are.
How people make friends so easily is a mystery to me. Recently, having learnt about the concept of scripting, rehearsing, and sometimes having fake conversations in your head is something that those on the spectrum do is what I do all the time. Most things need preparation, but my whole life feels like a massive job interview practicing what to say beforehand, to everyone in my life including my family. I could never stop socially rehearsing for example because I need to do this to simply even be someone.
I also find messaging extremely difficult and even harder than live talk because of the time advancement involved. I don’t how to respond to messages, it can take me 5/10 minutes to think of a response that’ll carry the conversation. I also want to emphasise that socially I am not an introverted person. I consider myself friendly and outgoing yet, I can talk to anyone yet it’s like there isn’t enough of me to befriend. I’m even comfortable in front of audiences but on an individual basis it’s much harder.
Another trait that’s supposedly common is an extreme interest in people from different backgrounds, particularly in ethnically. This applies to me a lot as most of my best friends in life are typically very different from me, I find that there’s simply just more chemistry that I enjoy. For the most part, most of my best friends in life are generally woman as well, potentially mirroring how being friends with the opposite gender is sometimes more common (this is really where I suffer with gender dysphoria for example).
I’ve always wanted a best friend in life and while I’ve had some great friendships, most people move on as life is. As I’ve gotten older now, I do feel more childish. One of the best friends I’d ever had was a woman of mixed race, and I feel incredibly awkward and out of place among men, especially gay people which just shouldn’t be the case and makes me feel bad. I don’t know wherever this is down from not knowing what to say, or from my lack of interest in being around similar people. I’ve read about the concept of ‘autigender’ too, and neither being agender or non-binary feel like they fit me, I have no idea who or what I am. I don’t necessarily feel real either in life, I feel as though I need to create this human being that can interact with people. I definitely used to ‘Mimicry’ when I was young, and I do find eye contact uncomfortable for too long.
I’m on an NHS waiting list for 2 years, but sadly I don’t think I’ll be diagnosed because I don't have enough symptoms.
If anyone relates to any of this, please do let me know, especially if you’re autistic and LGBTQ+ as well and relate to any of this.
Thanks a lot reading this whole thread, I really appreciate it
