I was wondering if anyone could relate to this.
Parentification describes most of the things i struggle with. But I feel i've also struggled with other things that many autistic people do but i also, feel like i don't struggle enough. But any online test i've done has indicated i get some professional support as i'm highly likely to have autism. i'm still on the long waiting list to be tested but i'm struggling now. I've also been wondering if i have ADHD too but i just don't fully know. I feel i've leant to mask certain things or learn to adapt and actually learn to cope with the tools but not fully understand them even though they might make sense. There are common things i struggle with that's highly related to autism but i've also had a lot of trauma in those areas too. But i feel i was punished because i had those difficulties. I feel i've had meltdowns and mental break downs whilst growing up in a toxic family dynamic environment. But i'm not sure where the line is between the trauma and autism. I was also the scapegoat and emotionally abused a lot. i've been told growing up that i'm really ambitious and intelligent but sometimes i feel it wasn't said as a compliment so i've struggle with understanding the intentions of what people say. I've struggled to take things as they are face value but then with other things i can only take them face value and i feel like i rub people up the wrong way at times for being blunt. I don't see a reason why i shouldn't say certain things at times but other times i understand why things are inappropriate. But i think there are just certain social rules i just don't feel makes sense and i don't agree with them. I prefer things to be direct and forward and clear. I find it hard to understand people who beat around the bush and ask questions to clarify but then i come across are rude or indirectly argumentative or time stalling?
I struggle with textures of foods and have safe foods. but I struggle with an eating disorder too. I struggle with tags, certain seams and materials with clothes but i was always too terrified to rip/cut them off because i thought i'd get into trouble growing up. Not all tags bothered me and when i was allowed to buy my own clothes at 16 i actively picked baggy clothes that didn't have rough tags or tags at all but i'm also transgender and dysphoria is one of the other reasons i didn't want to stand out in my clothes but i also, don't like my clothes touching me a lot too. I struggle with bright lights and colours but i'm also epileptic.
It's the first time i've seen a colour mode on a website and when i clicked it i was immediately relived and didn't realise how tense i was putting up with the original. I feel i've forced myself to be and do certain things even though they overwhelm me and i end up incredibly burnt out. I have always drowned out things with music but there have been times when i've kept my headphones in to lower loud sounds, like on the trains or in crowded areas. I don't like playing music all the time in social situations because i want to be involved and still be able to hear. but other times i also don't want to have to talk to someone if i'm not ready as i struggle with social anxiety and potentially a type of mutism that was always a cause of concern in childhood but then i would speak clearly to professionals or teachers if i felt safe or i felt the need to in a way protect my parents from getting into trouble for the toxic situation and events i couldn't talk about that included my mums mental health, domestic abuse(verbal, emotional and physical), alcohol abuse, suicidal attempts and meltdowns.
In terms of communication i've always struggled with understanding intentions and body language and facial expressions and i feel i learnt everything positive from tv and negative from home environment and i feel it's more of a database i refer to but due to growing up with gaslighting and things i tend to ask lots of questions to ensure i understand. But it comes across wrong and i plan a lot of my conversations and even though i know the patterns of communication and knowing i need to leave space for the other to talk i don't leave much room and don't always know when it's appropriate to talk and interject. I know i don't want to cut people off and i know i don't want to wait too long otherwise it'll be hard to keep up. I'm also aware i end up almost talking to myself because i haven't had enough practice talking to others and end up monologuing because it's also similar to what i grew up with. my anxiety is through the roof with certain amounts of silences due to growing up with silence meaning passive aggressive behaviour with the 'silent treatment' or some sort of trap. I find myself filling in those spaces unknowingly at times or assume someone will interrupt me because that's also what i've grown up with. I know it's not pleasant to interrupt someone but it's what has either deflated me with speaking or also helped me slow down. I tend to rush what i have to say especially things that i'm really enthusiastic about. I can talk about film and film music and music forever. I collect it. I also love certain parts of history about things or certain times. Due to my seizures and other health issues my memory isn't that great though but there are things i feel like i can recite but over the years and recent traumas i feel like my brain is foggy. I know i struggle with depression heavily and some of it is related to thyroid problems but i don't feel joy in lots of things as i use to even during the really bad times growing up. i've been trying to understand everything and make a game plan to heal and move things forward but everything that i feel is to do with potential autism i'm not sure how to tackle. The resources i've found are overwhelming and i'm not sure how to approach things. I'm desperate to organise everything to give myself a plan so i don't feel like i'm drowning in everything. I really aware of everything and i feel i'm on the right path to healing but i feel lost and i keep battling with the things i've struggled with and whether or not it was my fault and how to change and grown or forgive myself and understand whether or not it was my fault. I know for sure even without autism and my struggle with texture of foods i didn't deserve the punishments i got. but it's still hard. i need a sense of reassurance and understanding about everything i'm going through and i'm not sure if that's possible. I struggle to practice validating things but i've been working very hard.
I go on tangents a lot and struggle with procrastination and this type of paralysis common with ADHD individuals and i feel under stimulated or overstimulated randomly. I find i need order and planning but i also need room to take care of my needs but i feel like i'm clashing all the time but i feel like i can handle ADHD more than other things. but i don't know if that's necessarily true. I have periods where i neglect everything i need because i'm hyper-focused or depressed or both and have the need to finish what i started or keep going until i can't. I feel like my life is organised chaos at times which is still hard to deal with. I can get distracted with other tasks and my inner discipline and OCD and the conditions growing up makes me finish each things slowly or refocus on one thing but i can also find it difficult to get back into something once i'm pulled away or distracted. i can be quite animated and in touch with my feelings but i feel that's thanks to anime, disney and social skills at schools for shy kids and those who were on the cause of concern list. I found a way to express myself and feel emojis and gifs are easier to communicate with rather than words but that's also because i was always criticised in English despite being good at it but my teacher wasn't nice to me. i feel like i have suspected dyslexia but chronic stress has also made me mix up words, stutter and things but i've always struggled with certain letters and words and mainly lost confidence with my capability. I struggled socially because i spoke differently and didn't know how to use slang properly too. i've always loved language but not felt confident enough to learn them enough due to memory issues. I tend to feel i can't find the words in one language but can find them in another. I tend to want to quote sayings in gujarati at times with it being my 1st language technically alongside english but fear racism. i find comfort in certain saying once i fully understand them but i struggle to find the true meaning. I think i like gifs because of the saying 'a picture is 1000 words'. I thought it was silly at first but then it made sense but i feel like depending on context it can be relevant and for me i feel i can say something without the need for actual words that can be misinterpreted but i worry about gifs doing the same too but i feel the intentions are a lot clearer?
i feel quite lost emotionally...
i'm not sure if this is the place to ask for support but i wanted to be brave