My brother (38 years old) refusing to give consent for support and funding from Adult Social Services

Really difficult and I can relate to this so much because I have a family member who seems to have very similar feelings about seeking help or accessing benefits.  My feeling is that it may take a while to turn this situation around because any sudden interventions might have him running for the hills (i.e. immediately facing homelessness, which could be dangerous) or reacting angrily, which reduces the future chances of him accepting help.  I can certainly see what is meant by "tough love" and in some circumstances it might be the jolt that someone needs, but I also worry that it's a high risk strategy.  

So I'm wondering whether he'll speak to you or your parents about any other subject or whether there is anyone else in his life he trusts.  I would probably back off from having conversations about getting help, at least for now, because you already know how these will go, they seem to be backfiring in that he reacts emotionally instead of responding in a more reasoned way and the more this happens, the more alienated he might feel and the more extreme his reactions might become.  His "plan" to just become homeless when your parents pass isn't a plan at all, of course, and it seems very likely that he already knows that.  Maybe underneath the angry response is lots of fear and he just wants to push the whole worrying subject away.  

I would recommend building trust and simply listening to any concerns or interests he may have.  Then the agenda becomes his and he might feel more able to broach difficult subjects, the safer and less afraid and conflicted he feels.  At some point then, my hope would be that he'd voice similar concerns, although maybe in a different way and in his own time.  He must know that your parents are getting older and that there's nothing much to inherit and I think he must be worried.  It's fairly early days in terms of his diagnosis in 2021 and perhaps, as time goes by and he learns more, he'll reconsider his initial reactions.  And "help" might look very different from his perspective anyway, especially if he's had any bad experiences with services (in our family these aren't rare!).

It's all very frustrating, I know, and, if he has capacity and uses it to reject servives, then they have to respect that and won't step in.   I've tried, more than once, and they will simply reiterate that their doors are open as and when the person is ready to contact them.  I also phoned the NAS helpline and their response was very similar.  Adults can make capacitous decisions that seem disastrous to those around them, but it's their right to do so.  It doesn't, for me, sit very well when I can see the risks ahead, but I've been advised by an NHS consultant psychiatrist that to keep pursuing it would be tantamount to harrassment. 

This still leaves a tension between our concern for our loved ones and their own need to carve out their own lives and I try to balance that on a daily basis here.  But on the whole I focus on nurturing and relationship building.  And this generally means active listening (with the person in the driving seat rather then me with what I think needs to be discussed and settled right now), safe, frequent interactions on neutral topics, and maintaining a low arousal, safe environment.  Can't mention the word "safe" enough. 

I don't know whether much of this will seem immediately useful to you and if not, my apologies.  I'm just thinking that the current approach might be too much for him to handle right now, even if writing out the steps might be very helpful for him at another stage.  And adjusting to the new knowledge of being autistic might take longer, especially for someone who is so recently diagnosed, fairly late in life, and will probably still have lots to process.            

Really difficult and I can relate to this so much because I have a family member who seems to have very similar feelings about seeking help or accessing benefits.  My feeling is that it may take a while to turn this situation around because any sudden interventions might have him running for the hills (i.e. immediately facing homelessness, which could be dangerous) or reacting angrily, which reduces the future chances of him accepting help.  I can certainly see what is meant by "tough love" and in some circumstances it might be the jolt that someone needs, but I also worry that it's a high risk strategy.  

So I'm wondering whether he'll speak to you or your parents about any other subject or whether there is anyone else in his life he trusts.  I would probably back off from having conversations about getting help, at least for now, because you already know how these will go, they seem to be backfiring in that he reacts emotionally instead of responding in a more reasoned way and the more this happens, the more alienated he might feel and the more extreme his reactions might become.  His "plan" to just become homeless when your parents pass isn't a plan at all, of course, and it seems very likely that he already knows that.  Maybe underneath the angry response is lots of fear and he just wants to push the whole worrying subject away.  

I would recommend building trust and simply listening to any concerns or interests he may have.  Then the agenda becomes his and he might feel more able to broach difficult subjects, the safer and less afraid and conflicted he feels.  At some point then, my hope would be that he'd voice similar concerns, although maybe in a different way and in his own time.  He must know that your parents are getting older and that there's nothing much to inherit and I think he must be worried.  It's fairly early days in terms of his diagnosis in 2021 and perhaps, as time goes by and he learns more, he'll reconsider his initial reactions.  And "help" might look very different from his perspective anyway, especially if he's had any bad experiences with services (in our family these aren't rare!).

It's all very frustrating, I know, and, if he has capacity and uses it to reject servives, then they have to respect that and won't step in.   I've tried, more than once, and they will simply reiterate that their doors are open as and when the person is ready to contact them.  I also phoned the NAS helpline and their response was very similar.  Adults can make capacitous decisions that seem disastrous to those around them, but it's their right to do so.  It doesn't, for me, sit very well when I can see the risks ahead, but I've been advised by an NHS consultant psychiatrist that to keep pursuing it would be tantamount to harrassment. 

This still leaves a tension between our concern for our loved ones and their own need to carve out their own lives and I try to balance that on a daily basis here.  But on the whole I focus on nurturing and relationship building.  And this generally means active listening (with the person in the driving seat rather then me with what I think needs to be discussed and settled right now), safe, frequent interactions on neutral topics, and maintaining a low arousal, safe environment.  Can't mention the word "safe" enough. 

I don't know whether much of this will seem immediately useful to you and if not, my apologies.  I'm just thinking that the current approach might be too much for him to handle right now, even if writing out the steps might be very helpful for him at another stage.  And adjusting to the new knowledge of being autistic might take longer, especially for someone who is so recently diagnosed, fairly late in life, and will probably still have lots to process.            

I just wanted to say how much I support the comments that you’ve made here Jenny - they really resonate with me. I know how much I and my son would cope much better with the approach you describe above. There’s almost always a huge amount of fear behind our struggles and difficulties - and I think this is often the case for very many autistic people. In order to accept support we need to feel safe, and to know we are being listened to, and won’t be rushed or pushed or pressured into anything until we feel completely  ready. It can take time to even be able to facing THINKING about a difficult subject - let alone actually acting on making even small changes. A huge change - such as your brother confronting the idea of losing his parents and having to move house - that must feel completely overwhelming for him I imagine. So I think the approach Jenny describes above sounds like it would be a great way of looking at this. It’s likely that your brother is just frightened and unable to face fully engaging with the reality of what the future might hold. It’s scary. I think that building trust and being nurturing and supportive is the best way to help him to BEGIN to think about the future. It will take time though - and rushing this will most likely only make things worse. A really gentle, caring and non- judgemental approach will I’m sure be helpful to both of you. Good luck. x