Newly diagnosed: Feeling lost and impaired

Hi Ann,

I think it would be strange if the diagnosis didn’t trigger some of the feelings and thoughts you’re now experiencing. I think your reaction is entirely normal - you’re bound to feel some measure of discomfort because this is a change: it’s the official confirmation of what you suspected and to be looking at your life with this slightly adjusted perspective is naturally somewhat unsettling.

But in essence nothing has changed. You’re still the same person and you still have the same strengths and challenges. The word ‘disorder’ is awful and you understandably shrink from that word. But remember - Albert Einstein had this ‘disorder’! Anthony Hopkins has this disorder as did Leonardo, Charles Darwin, Henry Cavendish, Sir Isaac Newton, Dr Vernon Smith etc etc etc. The list of gifted scientists, artists, writers goes on and on. If that’s ‘disorder’ I’d say we need lots of disordered people in the world! I don’t buy into the idea of autism and being gifted as being the only way for us to feel good about ourselves - but it is a fact that lots of autistic people make a huge contribution to society and to their communities and families  - in big AND small ways. Being different isn’t being ‘broken’. And frankly all human beings are flawed and struggle in one way or another - not just autistic people.

And as you say - it’s likely that being autistic has played a useful part in your academic success and you’re ability to be good at your job. In very many ways it’s an ASSET to you - even though it also makes aspects of your life more challenging. 
I know of lots of ‘broken’ people who have no autistic traits whatsoever! 
You’re not broken Ann - you face the challenges of your life with courage - and you should give yourself credit for that. Being autistic is not easy but you work at doing your best to live a full life and contribute in your work and friendships. Just from my contact with you on here I can tell that you are an intelligent, kind and compassionate human being. You should feel proud of the person you are. 

I’m sure that you’ll soon overcome these initial feelings of disquiet from your diagnosis. Nothing has changed in terms of who you are. You’re the same person you always were - but in making this discovery you can use it to further understand how you can tackle and understand some of your challenges more positively so that they are more manageable. 

in terms of your work and telling your boss - well - there are plenty of autistic people working in the field of science so I doubt it’s as unusual as you feel it is. He’s an educated person so I doubt he’s ill informed about Autism and the fact that you can be a good scientist and also be autistic. It’s very common. I can see why you might panic that you told him before you were probably wanting to - I do this quite often! I’m a very honest person and often I say things to people and then panic afterwards - thinking ‘why on earth did I say that!’ and then worrying terribly about whether or not I should have said it, and so wishing that I hadn’t! My husband has to give me loads of reassurance when I do this as I can’t stop worrying about it! 
So Ann I want to do the same for you: I’m sure it’s ok! I’m sure your boss is intelligent and educated and that you’re not the first employee/co-worker/friend/family member he has ever met who was autistic. 
His main priority will be: can you do your job. It strikes me that you are more than capable of acquitting yourself well in your role - and that’s what will matter most to him. And it might be very helpful if - when it comes to social events - he knows that you’re autistic - as then he will not misread any possible reticence from you in that regard as being unfriendly etc - but will better understand your preferences in that way. 
It will be ok Ann - and you don’t need to worry. Your openness with your colleague  is a credit to you - and I’m sure he’ll appreciate it. 

Even in the VERY SMALL possibility that your colleague is a jerk and doesn’t understand (which is so unlikely) well - that’s his problem and he should educate himself! And if he DID have any prejudice about the ability of autistic people’s ability in the workplace  then you’re about to prove him wrong! In which case you’d be doing all of us a huge favour :) 

Be proud of who you are Ann. You’ve worked hard to get where you are, you’ve studied hard, challenged yourself and achieved a great deal - and you’re still young and have so much more you can do and contribute. Yes - you have your struggles and being autistic isn’t easy - but you should have no shame about that - it only makes the things you achieve so much more of an achievement. And I’m not just talking about academic achievement or your work - just day to day life is challenging enough - especially for autistic people.

You are not broken - you’re a survivor of myriad challenges that you’ve faced as an autistic person. That’s a beautiful thing and something to be celebrated. 
I’m mentally raising a glass to you Ann - because you should celebrate who you are. 

I agree by the way that there is a woeful lack of support for autistic people - and for so many other issues people face as well. Sadly this means we are often left to try and help ourselves - sometimes with quite significant mental health issues. It really should be better than it is. I think most of us end up spending huge amounts of time, effort, research and often money trying to make up for the lack of services in the U.K. it’s not right. Thankfully autistic people are a resourceful and supportive bunch - as this community demonstrates. You’re not on your own - and I hope that helps a bit. 

I hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend Ann. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it more once you can shake the unhelpful thoughts that your diagnosis has prompted. Let these unhelpful thoughts go - they are both false and damaging. 
Be proud of who you are 

Kate xxxx

Hi Ann,

I think it would be strange if the diagnosis didn’t trigger some of the feelings and thoughts you’re now experiencing. I think your reaction is entirely normal - you’re bound to feel some measure of discomfort because this is a change: it’s the official confirmation of what you suspected and to be looking at your life with this slightly adjusted perspective is naturally somewhat unsettling.

But in essence nothing has changed. You’re still the same person and you still have the same strengths and challenges. The word ‘disorder’ is awful and you understandably shrink from that word. But remember - Albert Einstein had this ‘disorder’! Anthony Hopkins has this disorder as did Leonardo, Charles Darwin, Henry Cavendish, Sir Isaac Newton, Dr Vernon Smith etc etc etc. The list of gifted scientists, artists, writers goes on and on. If that’s ‘disorder’ I’d say we need lots of disordered people in the world! I don’t buy into the idea of autism and being gifted as being the only way for us to feel good about ourselves - but it is a fact that lots of autistic people make a huge contribution to society and to their communities and families  - in big AND small ways. Being different isn’t being ‘broken’. And frankly all human beings are flawed and struggle in one way or another - not just autistic people.

And as you say - it’s likely that being autistic has played a useful part in your academic success and you’re ability to be good at your job. In very many ways it’s an ASSET to you - even though it also makes aspects of your life more challenging. 
I know of lots of ‘broken’ people who have no autistic traits whatsoever! 
You’re not broken Ann - you face the challenges of your life with courage - and you should give yourself credit for that. Being autistic is not easy but you work at doing your best to live a full life and contribute in your work and friendships. Just from my contact with you on here I can tell that you are an intelligent, kind and compassionate human being. You should feel proud of the person you are. 

I’m sure that you’ll soon overcome these initial feelings of disquiet from your diagnosis. Nothing has changed in terms of who you are. You’re the same person you always were - but in making this discovery you can use it to further understand how you can tackle and understand some of your challenges more positively so that they are more manageable. 

in terms of your work and telling your boss - well - there are plenty of autistic people working in the field of science so I doubt it’s as unusual as you feel it is. He’s an educated person so I doubt he’s ill informed about Autism and the fact that you can be a good scientist and also be autistic. It’s very common. I can see why you might panic that you told him before you were probably wanting to - I do this quite often! I’m a very honest person and often I say things to people and then panic afterwards - thinking ‘why on earth did I say that!’ and then worrying terribly about whether or not I should have said it, and so wishing that I hadn’t! My husband has to give me loads of reassurance when I do this as I can’t stop worrying about it! 
So Ann I want to do the same for you: I’m sure it’s ok! I’m sure your boss is intelligent and educated and that you’re not the first employee/co-worker/friend/family member he has ever met who was autistic. 
His main priority will be: can you do your job. It strikes me that you are more than capable of acquitting yourself well in your role - and that’s what will matter most to him. And it might be very helpful if - when it comes to social events - he knows that you’re autistic - as then he will not misread any possible reticence from you in that regard as being unfriendly etc - but will better understand your preferences in that way. 
It will be ok Ann - and you don’t need to worry. Your openness with your colleague  is a credit to you - and I’m sure he’ll appreciate it. 

Even in the VERY SMALL possibility that your colleague is a jerk and doesn’t understand (which is so unlikely) well - that’s his problem and he should educate himself! And if he DID have any prejudice about the ability of autistic people’s ability in the workplace  then you’re about to prove him wrong! In which case you’d be doing all of us a huge favour :) 

Be proud of who you are Ann. You’ve worked hard to get where you are, you’ve studied hard, challenged yourself and achieved a great deal - and you’re still young and have so much more you can do and contribute. Yes - you have your struggles and being autistic isn’t easy - but you should have no shame about that - it only makes the things you achieve so much more of an achievement. And I’m not just talking about academic achievement or your work - just day to day life is challenging enough - especially for autistic people.

You are not broken - you’re a survivor of myriad challenges that you’ve faced as an autistic person. That’s a beautiful thing and something to be celebrated. 
I’m mentally raising a glass to you Ann - because you should celebrate who you are. 

I agree by the way that there is a woeful lack of support for autistic people - and for so many other issues people face as well. Sadly this means we are often left to try and help ourselves - sometimes with quite significant mental health issues. It really should be better than it is. I think most of us end up spending huge amounts of time, effort, research and often money trying to make up for the lack of services in the U.K. it’s not right. Thankfully autistic people are a resourceful and supportive bunch - as this community demonstrates. You’re not on your own - and I hope that helps a bit. 

I hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend Ann. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it more once you can shake the unhelpful thoughts that your diagnosis has prompted. Let these unhelpful thoughts go - they are both false and damaging. 
Be proud of who you are 

Kate xxxx

Thank you so much for this beautiful reply- there is so much truth in what you are saying. I think you are right, it will take some time to adjust, but hopefully with time the feeling of 'brokenness' will go. 

I can totally relate to saying things and then later thinking "why on Earth did I say that?". I think it will be fine with the head of lab at work. He sseemed startled and probably had not expected it at all but from what I can tell he is an extremely supportive and also very intelligent person so hopefully knowing that I am autistic will not change how he sees me. It was a bit awkward and I am not quite sure how he took it as I am not so good at reading people but he did say that he would try to support me in any way he can and he said some other nice things so hopefully once we are both over the shock of the news and get used it it will be ok. I asked him not to tell anyone else and also explained that I did not want this to change anything and that at this point I don't feel like I need any adjustments. I wouldn't have felt honest not telling him which is one of the reasons I said something but I still worried afterwards whether it was the right choice. I can't change it anymore now anyways though so hopefully it will all work out fine. I really love the environment in my new lab- I had been quite anxious about meeting so many new people but it has gone so smoothly. I feel supported and I am interested in the topic too. 

Thank you so much for the kind words- I really hope that with time I can build up my self-esteem and become more accepting of myself and of my quirks and differences. I do like some of my weirdness :). I am feeling a little better already after having had some more sleep on the weekend. Best xxx Ann