Hello everyone.
I have always felt like I don't fit in. It's been with me through my childhood and still is with me, now as an adult. This feelings of being different has intensified immensely lately. Could I have ADHD? Or maybe autism? I don't know, but I'm fairly certain I fit in with the neurodiverse crowd. I just never got a proper professional assessment. I wanted to make a post to see if someone finds what I describe relatable and maybe get some advice on what to do?
Im a loner by choice. I have a few close friends, but I feel no need to hang out or meet them in person at all. We mostly talk online, even if they live a short walk away from me. Going to social events make me uncomfortable. I would rather work or be home, than go to a party as an example.
Eye contact is difficult, my wife nags me about this constantly "my eyes are up here". By default I will just focus on people mouths. Ive also been told I might come of as rude or blunt when I speak. In my mind I havent said anything rude or offensive, but I often get comments like "You did not really say it like that, did you?".
My wife calls me "cold and distant". I lack empathy for other people even my family. Watching movies or reading news etc dosent affect my emotions like other people. Seeing my own children hurt themselves or cry feels annoying and can oftentimes irritate me. I havent cried or felt sad since forever it feels, last time must have been early childhood. Expressing or talking about feelings is not something I know how to do properly.
Im a restless fidgety guy. If Im not occupied with doing something my legs will move or I will fidget with keys,pens etc. When I'm engaged in tasks or assignments I do it in lightning speed, I consider myself effective but people near me perceive me as a stressed person.
I bite my nails and even the skin on my fingers. This worsen if Im stressed. When Im in bed for the night I rub my feet togheter until I fall asleep, something I have done for as long as I remember. I hardly ever dream and I can’t conjure images in my mind. Picturing things or people is not possible, all I see is black. Im color blind aswell, but I dont know if thats related to anything neurological.
I struggle with motivation and procrastinate alot. I have alot of projects half done and no willpower to actually finish them. Trouble initiating tasks on my own.
Im a chronic overthinker and overanalyze every bit of information Im presented with. Sending emails or messages about seemingly easy subjects might require rewriting said email or message 10-15times before I dare to send it. The same goes for this post. Sometimes I feel paranoid, like Im being watched, this comes and goes and isent present all the time. I hear sounds and smell things other dont at times.
The list goes on and on.. But these are some observations about myself. Should I talk to someone about this? I live a fairly normal life, but some of these traits lead to alot of confusion,misunderstandings and relationship issues.
