Hi all, I'm a 32 y/o gay male. I've been referred for an assessment, to determine whether I may be on the spectrum. Honestly, I think a diagnosis would probably be a relief. I've never quite felt like I've fit in - that I'm just different - and other people seem to be able to tell, too. I don't make friends easily or often, though I much prefer my own space anyway.
I've been asked to write down anything that I think may be related. I've spoken to my mum, and although she was surprised that I think I may have some form of autism, she said she would support me. After chatting about it, here's my list.
I feel slightly apprehensive as I don't want to waste anyone's time, and am a little nervous that I'll be told I'm not autistic in the slightest.
I do suffer with depression and anxiety, which I've had pretty much since I was 17.. so these may be symptoms of these, rather than autism.
- Hyperventilating / panic attacks when upset as a child
- Moving school traumatic. No friends, different environment/smells.
- Really bad car/motion sickness. Dad used to make me hold a plastic bag. The motion/smell of the car. Couldn't do things like eye spy because of concentrating on not being sick.
- Walking - feet facing inwards etc people at school would comment I walked weird.
- If I do X,Y,Z it'll stop something bad happening or stop people reading my mind (Stand on X grates X number of times / stroke my hands up opposite arms then above my head to create a bubble) If people were watching I'd try to do this subtly or do it in my mind.
- Recurring slow motion nightmares as a child. Same nightmare over and over.
- Accidents wetting when younger. Bed/at school etc. Especially after moving schools.
- Play alone quite happily. Happier alone than if other people joined. Safe space just for myself/my rules etc.
- Lunchtimes at school I would spend in the library as a library monitor just putting books back on shelves or checking them in/out. Felt safe/comfortable/calm there.
- PE - hated it. Too many people, too close, stank. Really stressful. Had to undress and leave my things there unattended. Hated wearing the PE kit, clothes didn't feel right afterwards. didn't do pe often at all.
- Few friends. 1 close friend at a time, really
- No real friends now. Online friends 2.
- Reading a book, I Google images of what I think characters etc look like to help me visualise them. I do enjoy reading a lot.
- Sometimes feel like people can read my mind
- Click my teeth
- Leg shakes/fidgeting (all the time)
- Obsessive behaviours with regards to toys when younger and now older with shower gels (every Original source) , candles (roughly 150+ Yankee Candle jars) dog treats, Halloween (loft is a bit full), accessories, etc etc I 'collect' everything I can and then move on to something else.
- Plants - buy loads, then forget/don't water them
- Terrible with money
- Hate the dentist. The entire experience. All of it.
- Can't stand tags in clothes or the bumpy bits in socks
- Touching things like velvet, cotton wool, the crump if I stand on snow, chalk etc all make me feel physically sick
- Smells like Pine, fences, petrol, anything too strong makes me feel stifled like I can't breathe.
- Struggled with therapy "Imagine a field" etc - difficult to concentrate on that as hundreds of other thoughts. Eg -
Therapist: Relax, image a peaceful, open meadow with a stream.
Me: Ok.. look relaxed. Maybe smile slightly. Would I smile? Dont smile. Just imagine a field. Etc
- Have to have the blinds closed. If they're opened I close them.
- Don't like loud music, would rather have soft music playing
- Eating noises. Especially crisps. Literally feels physical. I can feel my blood pressure change.
- Do not like crowds. Christmas shopping or similar is a No
- Don't like theme parks, clubs etc
- Find it difficult to connect with people. Can communicate with people in social situations but don't make friends
- Always interrupting my boss with questions in person rather than sending an email (though I've been asked not to a few times)
- Avoid social situations if I can
- Don't like speaking about my feelings, find it very difficult to vocalise how I feel.
- Do not like when people change plans. If we're going to a shop I like to go to that shop. Don't like spontaneous decisions unless I make them myself.
- Don't like people breathing near me or standing too close, makes me uncomfortable.
- Not good at keeping in touch with people. Sometimes open messages and think to reply but don't, other times I don't even open them
- Spending money on games or on 'silly' things but feel accomplished by doing it.
- Losing things all of the time/misplacing things like keys, glasses etc.
- Get distracted / put something down and realise I don't have it and have to look for it - can't remember where it is.
- Dangerous/compromising situations or stupid decisions on the spur of the moment. (Moving to London after meeting someone at a bar) - whole mess here including rent boys, drugs, and being locked in a flat by a man 3 times my age when I was 17, for several weeks.
- Chaotic/difficult few years in late teens/early 20s usually involving older men.
- Barbers - hate having my hair cut. Hate the awkward conversations. Purposefully go to the Turkish rather than the barbers I would go to otherwise so that I won't have to chat. - they tend to not care for smalltalk which suits me fine.
- Will go withdrawn/distant in social situations
- Give up / distance from things I find difficult. "Don't care"
- Struggle multitasking - quite single minded/focusing on one thing at a time. Usually in stupidly small details.
- Like structure. Eg rules in a game. Joined a casual online mobile game and created a "guild" and created 12 pages of rules some people found overbearing.
- Like things to be symmetrical IE ornaments etc. (Buying two of things)
- Quite messy but mess makes me feel depressed
- Terrible short term memory - need reminding if theres plans or I'll forget. Same with appointments - always late.
- Trying to do multiple things I get distracted and clumsy
- Don't like talking on the phone
- Insects / flies I can't ignore them I have to get them out. Don't like when they land on/touch me. Can't focus if I know there's an insect etc around me.
- Can be quite controlling
- Been told I can be selfish but I don't think I am?
- Trying to recreate a situation when something's made me feel positive
- Dont like sitting with my back to a room. Eg in a restaurant.
Has anybody been diagnosed recently? Were you certain of the result before official diagnosis, or were you nervous?
Were you relieved once you knew?
