I was severely bullied during my childhood and always struggled a lot socially. I’ve always felt different in ways I can’t explain. Its like I can see other people build friendships so easily, but I struggle with it a lot. I feel clunky, forced and awkward when I try to interact with classmates or colleagues, for example. I get the sense that they just don’t like me, or like I don’t fit in. When I was 6, my teacher at school was always telling me off for not following the task correctly. I would often struggle to listen to instructions, fixate on one aspect of them and complete a totally different task to my peers. My parents once told me she called them in for a meeting where she tried to suggest I was on the spectrum, and that they were furious with her for it, disagreeing that I should be given any extra assistance because that would just hold me back. Eventually things got somewhat easier with time, though I was never diagnosed.
It felt like I’d found my calling in life when I studied fashion design at university and graduated with first class honours a few years back (2015). Conceptualising design themes was always my favourite part, because I love writing, storytelling, references, theory and getting lost in the rabbit holes of researching deeply. When I completed my course, I suffered a mental breakdown because I couldn’t do what I enjoyed anymore. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression at the time. Initially, I struggled to secure a job after graduating and eventually found a fantastic internship working for an independent fashion consultant, designer and researcher I’d discovered online. I absolutely thrived in this working environment, felt nurtured and valued. At the end of my time interning here, she’d recommended me to a couple of her contacts and I began my own career as a freelance researcher and designer. Once again I did amazingly well at this.
The uncertainty of being self employed was stressful at times, but I was finally doing what I loved most. I figured freelancing would be my stepping stone to prove my capability into a role with a company where I could feel more stable. Eventually, I had a lot of recruiters get in touch from some amazing companies to interview me. Including one which was for the dream company I’d aspired to working at since my first year at university. I got all the way to the final stage of the interview, but at the final hurdle received crushing, quite personal criticism that I had an “immature demeanour” and as a result they didn’t feel I was experienced enough (for a role I was overqualified for, seriously). I never understood why. After a lot of interviews where I had fallen at the final hurdle (but most notable this one very traumatic experience) I shut down completely, stopped taking care of myself, ended up on antidepressants and in therapy for many months. Then the pandemic hit.
I lost every single freelance job I’d had lined up as a result of covid. Nobody wanted to take me on for work in such uncertain times and I ended up on benefits. During lockdown I developed several hobbies I would be fixated on for short periods of time, which sort of helped with my mental health temporarily. I was also self medicating with excessive drinking at the time. I applied and interviewed for a lot of creative jobs unsuccessfully. I was very depressed and ended up taking on a retail role because I thought it would help structure my day with some routine and give me a better sense of self worth. It did all of that and I was amazing at it. I was even given the title of product ambassador which I excelled at, creating beautiful engaging inspiration moodboards and product training materials for all my colleagues. It was great for me until it wasn’t. There were a couple of occasions I struggled with my manager because I would often explain my actions and workings for something and she would accuse me of pushing back at her when I was only trying to communicate. This would frustrate me a lot. Eventually I felt as though I wasn't making any growth or progress and became bored. I applied for an in store stylist position for a brand I really loved and got the position.
It wasn’t quite the creative styling role I had in mind and I quickly found out they hire all new shop assistant employees as “in store stylists” so that better quality candidates would apply. I almost quit after two months after my manager left and a very pushy new one started. The new manager changed everything and I didn’t like it at all. When I was happily working one day, she accused me of always being disobedient when given instructions because I would ask why or if she told me off for something, I’d explain my reasoning and she absolutely hated it. In my mind, I think it’s just trying to communicate. She made me cry at work a bunch of times and eventually the decision was made to transfer me to another store. I was very happy initially in the new store because the manager was nice and very good at training everyone. She expected high standards from us. I appreciated a space to learn, grow and feel valued again and felt I was absolutely smashing it until she called me into the office for a chat. Turns out she wanted to give me some constructive criticism on my “tone” and “robotic, scripted dialogue” to customers. I’d previously done well in my old retail job and didn’t think I had a tone problem.
Now going to work has quickly turned into an absolute nightmare for me. My manager started monitoring my sales figures and the way I spoke to customers, even pointing out once “you’re doing that tone again” or using the same scripted responses. Around this time I was experiencing some problems at home, which was very hard to hide. I’m sort of an open book and I don’t find it easy being dishonest. Sometimes I think it’s a problem. I tried to take on board the criticism and obsessed over my sales figured that week because she wanted them to be higher and throwing myself into work helped. It was also recognised that I’m good at writing, so I was chosen to write a daily analysis for our sales report, a task which I really enjoyed and excelled at. I sold amazingly well, but then was called in for another meeting about how a couple of my colleagues don’t think I’m a supportive team player. I started to feel crushed and stopped writing the daily analysis because it was clear other people didn’t like me taking ownership of that task. Now I’m finding myself extremely bored, frustrated and restless.
I actually feel physically exhausted now I’m trying to change the scripts I used to use to speak to customers at my managers request for me to be more authentic. My self esteem is low and my mental health is declining. I’m suddenly so tired that I can’t take care of myself very well right now and I even stopped responding to messages on WhatsApp and social media because it’s too overwhelming. I can’t cope and it’s beginning to cause problems with my personal relationships. I don’t think retail is for me but I can’t get a job doing what I’m passionate about because I interview poorly, even if my experience and recommendations are amazing. I know I’m talented but I feel crushed and overwhelmed in an environment that doesn’t understand me. This job is meant to be so easy but why do I find it so hard. I’m forcing myself to be normal and make eye contact. I’m absolutely shattered.
I don’t know if getting a diagnosis would help my life, or being here perhaps and reading more about autism. Does anyone have any similar experiences? I feel too frequently misunderstood and a lot doesn’t come easily to me.
