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Misunderstood by NTs

NAS81747

I'm a recently diagnosed (earlier this year) autistic female. I'm 21. I used to go to university, it didn't work out, so I quit. I am going to try again on a different course in a different city. I move in to my new accommodation in one month and two days time. Having the diagnosis is a relief, because it explains why I am quite irreparably bad at managing certain social situations. I'm not non-verbal, if anything I'm the opposite. But I just talk and talk and talk about my special interests with no idea that other people want to change the conversation. I also sort of 'copy' other people's interactions, eg if someone in a group chat is talking about boyfriend struggles, I'll take that as a cue that when they're finished I can talk about an issue I want to talk about or something, but when I do that I'll get told why am I talking about stuff about me, even though I am only doing exactly what someone else did half an hour earlier. People will tell me they are my friends, but then also act like they're not my friends. I get really confused. I misinterpret things and am always told I 'overreact' when to me I'm acting reasonably following whatever has happened.

I've now been in a number of group chats about my new uni. But I already seem to have got a bad reputation. Ie this evening someone on my course (whom I have never spoken to or interacted with at all) drunkenly messaged me and called me two-faced and disrespectful and why was I talking about other people on my course behind their backs (someone asked me a direct question about why I left my course chat, I responded with "because ___ said ____ which was rude and upset me so I didn't want to subject myself to it anymore" - I didn't see that as b*tching or anything, I just saw that as answering a direct question). I just responded with the facts explaining factually exactly what happened at that I didn't understand why I was being insulted, and this person instantly just ignored me. I have now just left all the chats and ignored all messages asking after me because I'll just get told I'm complaining or something.

Sometimes I get told I'm oversharing. Sometimes I get told I'm not sharing enough, I never seem to be able to win with neurotypical people.

How do other autistic people manage this? It's exhausting. I am exhausted. It leaves me feeling hopeless about the future because I can't function in this society.

I have a mental health team as I also have bipolar disorder, but honestly they have no advice or support for autistic issues. All my autism coping strategies have come from google and forums like this (eg after I was diagnosed I only realised what stimming was - I had been doing it for years in forms of like skin picking, pinching my skin very very hard, hitting my head when in a sensory overload, but since reading about stimming I've now got myself stim toys which have stopped / reduced me doing more harmful things and instead it just looks to others more like fidgeting). There are no autism support services in my area, or the area I'm moving to for university. All they have is the diagnostic service, no post-diagnosis support. It's awful.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Thanks! I was 21 and entirely confused once. Now I'm only just occasionally confused.

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    I am in awe of this piece of writing.  Deepest respect.

  • in reply to I Sperg

    That is a REALLY awesome portal, disguised as a link !  I'll be spending a while down those rabbit holes.

  • in reply to I Sperg

    It lead me to this, which I quite like too.

    https://www.autistamatic.com/

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    That's an awesome link!! (Not least because it confirms my own thinking!

    Thank you.

  • Your university should provide you with useful accommodations, now you have a diagnosis. My autistic daughter will be starting her third year in a chemistry degree in September. She takes exams in a small room with a few other ND people and gets an extra 20 minutes to finish. She also has received software to help her organise her time and a microphone for recording lectures. Additionally, she has contacted lecturers to alert them that she may ask more questions and needs much greater clarification than most students. The lecturers have been helpful, on the whole. She has also contacted course leaders to organise days of absence from lectures when she is feeling overwhelmed, she has been given course material to cover the gaps. Her second year average mark was 94%, so being autistic and successful on a university course is quite possible.

    I am also autistic and was diagnosed very late. My massive anxiety around university exams would have been greatly lessened merely by being allowed to take them anywhere other than in huge halls filled with hundreds of other anxious people.

  • Oh goodness! Welcome.

    The social situation IS a big one. What makes us uniquely Autistic "Neuro-Wired" (a sort of different type of human design) is that we think, perceive and reason/understand different than NeuroTypical (NT) peers. Autistic originally meant Eccentric when the term was created by a woman named Grunya (Russian). What's more is that we use language different.

    Autistics can be naturally analytical, observant or just utilise it as a function to communicate. But NT's will use language as code and to evoke or summon as an organic formula which might perpetually shift - language can be fluid and informal, it can be used like a type of dramatic hypnosis even, to make a thing 'appear' out of thin air - this is how advertising works. Most NTs have an inner voice and think with language, rather than in vivid imagery. Words project images and thought rather than trying to match a word to an inner visual. For NTs, words are not set-in-stone but could disappear or dissolve into some other form. The NeuroTypical brain is found to be used asymmetrically - with strengthened neurowires in the lobes responsible for language and semiotics, while Autistic brains have been found to be more symmetrical, full-brain thinking. The book A Field Guide to Earthlings, can expands on this a bit more.

    Now, this doesn't make us 'disabled' but, and I can't recall where I saw this,  but "in a land of giants, you would be at a disadvantage." My take on this is that the diagnosis of Autism has expanded to include everyone who processes with a (let's say) symmetrical-brain Autistic Reasoning, and not just those who meet a threshold of criteria for added needs and visible disabilities. And anyone who's studied psychology would have the learned tools to reason through with individuals presenting different 'traits'. These traits are recognisable when we understand how the NeuroTypical population uses their brain (thinking, reasoning, language & symbols) to socially bond with one another. 

    Social bonds or Friendships - this is an interesting one. These can be formed and severed at whim. For NT population, social structures are built with a hierarchal system. This works for a tribal setting where the pack needs to stay together. Words can be used for Echoing back to create a stickiness or bond with the tribe / group. This is why they might say the same thing over and over and it seems meaningless. Words are also used to dominate and assess who's in what social position. 

    Saying this, 1. Everyone can learn good Ethics or Principles, if we think of ethics as a way to reason and mature our innate being. Morals change depending on the social strata, but think of ethics as sort of eternal truths that work any time with any human. 2. Everything is in Context. I might be openly truthful with my sister, but choose to withhold information from an acquaintance. It might not be appropriate to share or they may not be trust worthy with the information. 3. Trust is earned and Respect is given. Trust is a matter of investment. It's expensive to just give away. Trusting someone is the same as giving them weights to carry with you. It's a responsibility. We all feel rewarded by earned trust. But Respect on the other, hand is something that is a Reflection of what I can give and not a reflection of the other person. Sometimes choosing to not talk about someone is a way of affording them Respect. This may mean I have responsibility to carry about them and find a dignified way of resolving the matter with someone who's proven themselves trust-worthy or sort it out myself.

    Last, True friendship can take years of investing into. We must have something to bring, even if it's silence of Affording another Their Moment of Experience. I learned this resourceful 'gift' at about 26. And I've noticed I appreciate it when someone just listens and doesn't automatically dismiss everything I say by rolling over it with their "me too". I didn't realise it was a thing until someone told me. But most of the time, others just want a moment in the spotlight and someone to affirm them by saying, "I'm sorry you had to go through that" or "wow that's amazing" - rather than participation. Now, being Autistic, this is 100% always a conscious effort. But I make it as a matter of investing in friendships. I also make it when I can recognise furthering to give information to someone might create a small intimate bond I don't want or further a conversation I don't really want to carry on. 

    I've always thought of relationships like a solar system. Most people we encounter will be planets and asteroids beyond Mars. If I'm the sun, I only share my entirely true self with 2 Mercurials. And most of my entire self with a few Vesuvians. (2 close friends we've spent time investing in is actually a good way to do life). The Earthlings might be family, but most cousins and such could be on Jupiter. Acquaintances I tolerate might be allowed to know as much about me as someone at the reach of Neptune. Then there are the Satellites who fly really close and I might not see or speak with much for another decade. 

    Social issues can be difficult for us. We might be too intimate as beings and need to learn to protect this. Or we might naturally just sort of see things as they are and not recognise that NTs don't feel this degree of authenticity and really desire a little theatre and dramatics to 'feel' like life is meaningful. 

    Apologies is this is much, but hopefully it's something to start with! This chap is one of my favourites autcollab.org/.../