Rant about friendships and trying to be an adult.

I was diagnosed last year in my mid thirties and I'm still finding my way through things and understanding more about myself and how ro deal with situations. I have lovely friends who I cherish a lot because it has taken a lot of effort to maintain. I don't like confrontation but in the period since my diagnosis I have had some minor altercations with friends. I suppose I am trying to be more assertive within myself and its either not expected by them or I am doing it in a different way to my neurotypical friends. Also on a couple of these occasions,  I think I've uintentionally tried approaching it in the way I see other people doing so. Maybe in something I've said or by doing it in a way they've done to me. I feel like it backfires. I'm trying to communicate at their level but it's like i can't do right for doing wrong. I also feel like often friends only contact me when they want to tell me something or are going through a bad patch. I'm a very good listener but this doesn't get reciprocated. I even just went straight to it with one friend "ive got some news I want to share" and I felt this backfired too because I'm always pandering to them but if I just want a little bit bsck what I give it is unexpected. If I have a problem I'm often not met with much but if a friend tells me about their problems I never hear the end of it. It's not a competition but theirs are always "worse". 

Today I was over apologetic which im trying to get away from. I need to stand up for myself more but I think I'd end up losing friends properly then rather than some little fallings out. Confrontation is hard and extremely uncomfortable. Maybe that's why people like me because I'm very agreeable. I'm trying to tell myself today wasn't catastrophic and this is the first time I've had crossed words with this friend in all the many years I've known them. It has sent me into a tailspin and I have tried diverting my attention by keeping busy but I'm still stuck on it.

I'm a grown adult and I'm fed up of having to negotiate people. I'm fed up of having to do adult things. Im trying to have a life with my partner in our house but I feel I just don't care about anything house related. People like to take pride in their homes but for me I just see everything as unnecessary "stuff". Im trying to play this game but in truth I don't care. I don't have a complicated life which I think some people take to think that I'm always ok and don't have any problems.  But then if I so much as mention a bit of something it's too much. I've heard before, autistic people are either too much or not enough. It's like i am expected to play to other people's rules but when I do, I'm not doing it right. So where does that leave me?

Thank you for reading.

Parents
  • It's good you started settingboundaries. It's puts all relations into a test, and what is true comes out. if they are jsut using you it;s not friendship. if you have to hide who you are it's not friendship. I think it's better to avoid wasting time on relations like that, if they won't do a little thing like listen, they won't help with bigger either.

    I had few clashes with my friends when I started talking about being autistic, or that I don't like something, hopefully they will recover from initial shock.

    I'm not worried about being to much or to little, because I was always to much for everyone, it's the charm, the dedication and full commitment, not halfways or halfmeassures

  • Yes setting boundaries with myself and others is something I'm starting to practise more. This friend is very good at doing that too, so I know where I stand which I appreciate. This one particular friend doesn't know I'm autistic.  I was actually going to tell them but now I've changed my mind. I've never considered if I'm being used by people...I don't think this is the case and there's give and take in friendships. I think I'm just to go to person for everyone's problems. Which is a strength but sometimes it'd be nice to go the other way with a friend instead of having to pay a professional. And my emotions can be at 0-2 or 9-10 without the bit in between so things often seem worse than what they are to me but I keep a cool head so no one actually knows.

    I think I'm just on one today.

Reply
  • Yes setting boundaries with myself and others is something I'm starting to practise more. This friend is very good at doing that too, so I know where I stand which I appreciate. This one particular friend doesn't know I'm autistic.  I was actually going to tell them but now I've changed my mind. I've never considered if I'm being used by people...I don't think this is the case and there's give and take in friendships. I think I'm just to go to person for everyone's problems. Which is a strength but sometimes it'd be nice to go the other way with a friend instead of having to pay a professional. And my emotions can be at 0-2 or 9-10 without the bit in between so things often seem worse than what they are to me but I keep a cool head so no one actually knows.

    I think I'm just on one today.

Children
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