I was diagnosed 2 years ago at age 50 after a long period of suspecting I had Aspergers…. That was April 2020. I worked from home part time, self employed as a seamstress- a job I was very good at and it was just the right amount of interaction too. Then in the May of that same year, my mother in law decided to come and live with us and I became her carer. She was a very demanding and controlling woman. She had a lung condition and we thought (as did all the medical people) based on her behaviour that she had only around 6 weeks of life left. She was with us for 6 months until she was sent to a community hospital for reassessment of her care needs (she hadn’t needed anywhere near the level of care she’d demanded from me). I collapsed literally the day after she left. She eventually went to live with the sim she’d left and didn’t die until feb of this year.
within a week of her leaving, our landlord said he wanted the house back. There were no affordable private rentals and so we finally got a housing association house. The house is brand new and whilst so grateful for a home that we will never need to leave, it’s 30 miles away from where we lived. Over the space of a year, I lost my home, my work and, most importantly, I lost my place in the community. It was the only time in my life I truly felt as though I belonged anywhere. I wasn’t ‘odd’ and I had something tangible to contribute to the community in the form of my sewing skills.
I also am a very spiritual person and have been all my life. I had s very strong spiritual connection to the land there, to that place. My daughters lived nearby too.
I cannot seem to get over the sense that I was evicted from my very life. My marriage is suffering immensely because my husband doesn’t understand why I keep ‘going around in circles’ with it all. My connection to him has also died - and this is causing me deep grief. All I can think of is how I so want to be alone, to live alone. I have nowhere to go and no one to go to. I’m now on ESA in the support group which is good in that I don’t have to try to hold down work that is not self employed. I have s little room in this house but it’s not big enough to set up sewing as work in bug also, I’m struggling adapting to living on a big housing estate too. So many changes.
I am dependent on that I can’t financially support myself. I can’t run away. My husband is suffering because of me and how I am to live with. I need massive amounts of time alone and have not had any proper time out at home for weeks ( husband is a teacher). My youngest child is 14 and spends lots of time in his room gaming so he doesn’t see how distressed I am (thankfully) nor does he hear the difficult things I need to say to my husband.
am I alone? Will I ever get over this? There are days when it’s all ok-until it’s not. Is my marriage doomed? Ironically I’m training as a healer. I know that all life is a out learning and growth…but I need a little respite. I spent the afternoon with a friend who raked all of this up again and now my head is once again in a state of mush….
