Published on 12, July, 2020
This mess began 4 years or so ago. And it's just got worse and worse since. I cannot hold down work. I don't feel I can cope right now.
I was employed by tesco depot for a month just past, but only attended a dozen days and the distance to work was never practical. I had too far to travel. I don't drive. I was going 18 miles one way, so literally 36 miles.
I can't feel I can find a suitable work in my local area.. and frankly I do again, feel maybe I'm just not in the state to cope. Maybe I've got lazy? I feel so drained and my energy just isn't there.. hasn't been for a long while. I do not sleep well at all.
I rushed into a bankruptcy application and submitted the thing on 31st July 22. It was approved the next day, 1st August 22.
I have 10k of debt. All credit/overdraft type of debt.I have been extremely anxious at times, and angry and other things. I've turned to unhealthy habits and 'strange' habits as a sort of coping mechanism. Sort of like a sugar high or something. When I've for example had a shot of income from a spell in work, I'll spend money on something I don't need.. for example I bought a PS5 in December last year (which I sold in May this year, so I could pay bills/food), Or a heater in January. Or am expensive/powerful fan last month.
I spend A LOT on food. I feel I have developed a fear of literally not being able to eat like I did in the early days of my current troubles and so now I just keep buying food. I have strange habits like eating insane amounts of peanuts or cheese/tiger bread. I don't make myself sick however.. but I do make myself extremely bloated and feel very sickly. I do actually compensate to an extend by going crazy for short periods on exercise, cycling, so I kind of manage to keep weight gain down, although I feel I am gradually suffering deteriorating physical health over time and my stamina is not as good as its been in past years. This is a big problem, my self confidence is even more effected. And I just feel even more shameful when I've gone a spell of binging and making myself bloated and looking sickly. I'll force myself to have a better week, easier in the summer period I guess, and walk and cycling a lot for a while but I invariably burn out or something and then retreat back to my bad habits and lose all the health benefits again and so make life much terribly harder than its needs to be I suppose.
I spend entire days/weeks (no joke) in my house and not leaving AT ALL. I stare at my phone for hours and hours straight, causing extreme eyestrain and my eyesight is very damaged and I can't tolerate daylight with sunglasses. The eyesight has got steadily worse and worse for years.
I do not have friends/family. I only have my Mum who in recent months, or even years now, has left me to my own devices more or less. This has definitely been a major problem. And I'd never blame Mum obviously. But the fact I have already had a lot of problems over the years with socialising, anxiety... and it eats away at me and makes me act out. As an adult I feel I have acted out in a way that is literally self destructive, such as spending way out of control of my credit cards etc. It is deeply embarrassing and I cannot believe its got to this point. My Mum left 5 years ago. I am alone. The house is Mums and her ex partners house. My debts and overall issues started 4 years ago. So basically I was doing fine for a about a year. Then everything quickly fell off a cliff almost exactly one year. I feel being on my own has been about the worst possible outcome. Which kind of seems illogical.. don't we autistics like being alone.. Well.. no.. and I'll say that being alone just feeds into my own insecurities, weaknesses, and my already weak social skills have just frankly for worse and I am slowly going crazy. I've become very paranoid about what's going on with neighbours and how they might be bullying or trying to 'annoy me' etc.
Bankruptcy is now going to just absolutely destroy me probably.. how will I explain my spending habits.. I've never budgeted in all this time, certainly since my credit totally went out of control since late 2018. I don't feel I can get my head around the very complicated processes and understand what the hell I am doing. I have truly got no idea what to say and I feel very vulnerable to manipulation and bullying by the insolvency service. I've got nobody to help me. Nobody. I don't have healthcare professionals. I have evidence plenty of mental issues all through childhood but I sort of dropped off the radar for a while between 2011 and 2017/18. For a while despite hiccups I had a more settled period in my life in the sense that I kind of managed things OK. Having said, I never make friends, didn't do anything, nothing... I had my mum and her partner though who at least kept me sane in the sense that there was a sort of normal household and a sort of means for company.
I am deeply lonely and extremely frustrated. I seem to be in a perpetual dark place no matter what. I am now a walking zombie with my bad eyesight. I have stilted movement and feel so depressed about the past and feeling I missed out on a normal, healthy and happy childhood. Its not like my childhood was awful, but it certainly feels a total misfire. And my 20s were equally about crap in the sense that nothing has changed. At least I wasn't in debt until late in my 20s. But I am not able to make sound judgement and manage my anxiety and I do end up acting out. I feel ugly, resentful. I have neighbours who seemingly move forward but I don't. I am now stuck in a poor house, no job, no family, no purpose, and permanently damaged.
I am screwed aren't I? How on earth can I recover from this mess?
I dont know what point is to be made with this post. I just wanted to vent out in a space. Thanks for anyone who tried to follow.
You were not raised with the skills to become an independent adult, and you've tried to be an independent adult on your own, but it's been a difficult process.
I mean you took steps for your health by going walking and cycling, but you drain and burn yourself out and have to retreat to rest, and then you have a hard time getting back out there, because you might be fearful of burning out again. What impresses me about you, is that you even managed to walk and go cycling. What I imagine might be more optimal for you would be lighter but consistant exercise.
There's a thing about spending money and acquiring items that make people feel euphoric and happy, but it's temporary, so they keep getting more and more stuff. I think that when people are stressed out and feel unhappy, they try to look for other things to make them happy. So if that happiness comes from spending money as a way of coping with stress, that can leave someone in debt. I think that if socializing is difficult and it's hard to gain anything positive from it, then objects can become secondary sources for happiness. So you can find other ways of gaining happiness that does not come from spending too much money, like I'd borrow a book from the library and spend time reading, so that my time is already occupied and I don't spend that time on shopping.
I mean a lot of things you have to do is not fun and does not produce happiness in the present moment, like trying to job hunt, trying to figure out how to socialize, trying to figure out how to budget money, trying to get out of debt. All these things produce anxiety and stress. It's no wonder you're in such a state of disarray, as anyone would be, and you were not raised with the skills you needed to become an independent adult, I mean I was not either (I came from an abusive home), but at your lowest point when you've hit rock bottom, you tell yourself what you want to do, and direct yourself towards it.
The first hurdle is just getting a job, but don't be so hard on yourself. I mean even teenagers with no experience can get a job, because the workplace can train you while you are there. They just want you to be able to learn and do the job.
It's just that during the interview, if you walk in depressed, anxious, desperate, and you look like you're going to have a mental break down, that's going to scare the interviewer. I mean every time I did that I never got hired. So even when I didn't have money left, I was going to lose my home, and my partner was going to break up with me, I walked into the interview smiling, positive, excited about the job, and willing to learn, because getting the job was that important to me, that I had to put aside all the negativity in my life, every depressing thing, in order to make it positive.
And then with the money you earn, you will have to become aware of your spending habits, and try to put a system in place, like having a hobby that would make you happy and occupy your time (that does not involve spending much money) and that would help you accumulate wealth for housing, food, debt, and savings. I mean budgeting is so that you have an idea on what your money is going to be used for.