I am a 54 year old man and recently my step grandson began going through an assessment for Autism. I read the initial report and it mentioned cutting labels out of clothing, not wearing itchy clothes, eating issues only liking certain things, obsessively playing alone etc. I then posted on our family Whatsapp that this was basically my childhood. I remember my mother cutting labels out, unpicking logos from the front of shirts, contemplating wearing tights under itchy trousers (luckily I didn't do this), giving up school dinners and taking in baps with sprinkles on, puking at any food textures I didn't like, spending hours setting up soldiers or playing myself at subbuteo. My stepdaughter then sent me a link to the AQ test, the result was 34 so substantial autistic traits. This is when I started seriously thinking there may be something in this.
A lot of what I have investigated seems to fit but I have some doubts and think I may be grasping at this as an excuse for other issues. I am suffering from severe depression at the moment for a number of good reasons and have been getting counselling on and off for 5 years. Autism was never considered within this until recently and my counsellor doesn't feel she has the expertise to diagnose. This is all happened in the last 2 weeks and I am still unsure if I want/need an official diagnosis. So what else makes me think I'm autistic?
I have always found social situations difficult. I literally have to drink to be able to cope, or maybe this is just an excuse. Social events go pretty much the same way, I feel awkward and hardly talk to start with but then open up as I drink more. I can hear myself getting more dominant in conversations but have luckily learnt to reign myself in. Isn't this the same for everyone or is it my autism? I find myself analysing everything in my life to see if it fits autism and a lot does. Even walking the dog, everyone seems to know my dog and his name but I don't know anyone else's. I am polite and say hello but don't ask many questions, I then berate myself for not asking and only talking about my dog. I can literally hear my brain saying remember to ask them something but I invariably forget. I do however have a fair number of friends and really enjoy socialising with them which is not particularly autistic.
I am good at sports, played a lot of football when younger and the more sedate sport of darts now. I have captained some of these teams as well. I have had good jobs. How can I be autistic?
I have had quite a few career breaks. When I look back these appear to be after something has changed at work so maybe a build up of stress or the autistic burnout I have been reading about. A relationship failed after one career change and I can now look back and see I started isolating myself and not going out. I am really worried my current relationship is going the same way.
I am having real problems with my decision making at the moment. It is easy if I research stuff and there is a clear winner. If not I find myself analysing what others may do or how it affects others and never just deciding on what might be good for me. It is almost like I have to please everyone else before I can even consider my own needs.
I also seem to get on very well with kids which I believe is another autistic trait. I am very close to my grandson and believe this may be because of our similarities. My step nephew (now in mid 20s) is autistic and we get on great as well. I guess I understand his need to talk in film quotes as this is something I do occasionally but not as much as he does. My thing is more wordplay and connecting film quotes or lyrics to conversations. I think this may even be a way to keep me listening and seeming interested in what people are saying. I know it annoys people at times but can also be very funny. I just can't stop myself, I think it makes me feel a bit clever or something.
On the flip side a lot of my childhood issues have gone. I now have a very varied diet and love multiple cuisines. Clothes are not much of a problem now although I do tend to avoid wearing jumpers. I have read autism doesn't go away so how come I can cope with these now?
Anyway I doubt anyone has got this far. What do you think, am I autistic or a complete fraud?
