Feeling like an imposter/doubting diagnosis

I do still get the feeling sometimes that I only act the way I do now because I have received the diagnosis.  Since my diagnosis, I have had a lot of people say to me "you never used to act autistic, and you're only acting this way because you have had a diagnosis".  To an extent they are correct - though not in the way in which this is expressed.  It is expressed in a way that I am behaving badly because my diagnosis is some kind of green light to behave inappropriately.  What my diagnosis did for me for confirm why I am the way I am and I have accepted as a result that there is a reason why I am good at some thing and not good at others - I have just decided to focus on the things I can do and stop pretending that I can do the things I can't do as it used up lots of energy, stresses me out and leaves me exhausted and doubting myself.

The doubts are still there though and I suppose what is validating for me is that my diagnostic report was able to point to things all the way back to early childhood that I now look back at and think were signs of autism.  In fact, there are lots of things I look back to now that make sense now I am diagnosed.

It also doesn't help that there is a fundamental lack of understanding about adult autism - the attitude of neurotypicals can cause you to doubt yourself.  With my old employer, I had a terrible time pre diagnosis, because the lack of diagnosis was taken as an excuse to completely ignore all the difficulties I was having because I didn't have a piece of paper saying I was autistic.  Due to a reorganisation, I was moved to a job where all my coping strategies didn't work and the staff were very hostile to me and it made me ill.  My boss' unsympathetic response was that I said I couldn't deal with the change, but I had applied for other roles in the organisation and that was a change so I clearly could do change when it suited me.  I was also described as being aloof, thinking that I knew it all and was better than others, being too rules focused and being too honest and straightforward with people and the implication was that it was these behaviours rather than autism that had caused my problems.  The fact that my boss didn't realise that all my flawed character traits were actually signs of autism said it all really.  There is a fundamental lack of understanding and empathy that really does need to be dealt with if people on the Spectrum are to get the understanding and acceptance they need in society.

I do still get the feeling sometimes that I only act the way I do now because I have received the diagnosis.  Since my diagnosis, I have had a lot of people say to me "you never used to act autistic, and you're only acting this way because you have had a diagnosis".  To an extent they are correct - though not in the way in which this is expressed.  It is expressed in a way that I am behaving badly because my diagnosis is some kind of green light to behave inappropriately.  What my diagnosis did for me for confirm why I am the way I am and I have accepted as a result that there is a reason why I am good at some thing and not good at others - I have just decided to focus on the things I can do and stop pretending that I can do the things I can't do as it used up lots of energy, stresses me out and leaves me exhausted and doubting myself.

The doubts are still there though and I suppose what is validating for me is that my diagnostic report was able to point to things all the way back to early childhood that I now look back at and think were signs of autism.  In fact, there are lots of things I look back to now that make sense now I am diagnosed.

It also doesn't help that there is a fundamental lack of understanding about adult autism - the attitude of neurotypicals can cause you to doubt yourself.  With my old employer, I had a terrible time pre diagnosis, because the lack of diagnosis was taken as an excuse to completely ignore all the difficulties I was having because I didn't have a piece of paper saying I was autistic.  Due to a reorganisation, I was moved to a job where all my coping strategies didn't work and the staff were very hostile to me and it made me ill.  My boss' unsympathetic response was that I said I couldn't deal with the change, but I had applied for other roles in the organisation and that was a change so I clearly could do change when it suited me.  I was also described as being aloof, thinking that I knew it all and was better than others, being too rules focused and being too honest and straightforward with people and the implication was that it was these behaviours rather than autism that had caused my problems.  The fact that my boss didn't realise that all my flawed character traits were actually signs of autism said it all really.  There is a fundamental lack of understanding and empathy that really does need to be dealt with if people on the Spectrum are to get the understanding and acceptance they need in society.