No faith in parents

hi nelson

I am sorry to read of your experience. It is very difficult to cope with, both before and after diagnosis. I am "fortunate" in that i also have aspergers which enables me to have an amazing relationship with with my son. Don't get me wrong - we fall out - and when we do it is quite spectacular. Probably one of my biggest mistakes was to listen to the "experts", them and the bad parent police! My own instincts have always served us better but it's sometimes hard to follow them.

As a father of a recently diagnosed son of 15, i just want to say how difficult it has been to cope with his condition prior to diagnosis. all the 'experts' said he was not autistic so i treated and disciplined him accordingly and now he hardly communicates with me at all except to be abusive. i blame this rightly or wrongly on the delay to get a diagnosis and i feel this has ruined our relationship.

I think letting go of sub-conscious guilt emotions attached to emotions helps also. No one is too blame, not us, nor probably them also. It is just the way it is.

its not tie!

Thanks autismtwo, I ve walked away from my family in the literal sense but still I feel a constant nagging need to somehow prove myself to them and to everyone. I always feel that I ve been looked down upon cos I can never conform to expectations of normality. But the feisty side of me keeps on telling me that different does not equal wrong, tie an ongoing battle! X

Susie, thank you for sharing your story, I can relate too this. In time's gone past, people with Aspergers employed nannies or today, care providers, because there is a gap in the family connection, aka family safety net. Your parents and my parent probably have Aspergers too, but are from the old school of just get on with it, so they are not up to the job of empathic parenting, I have to accept this point, like you did.

Autismtwo - i've always felt that my parents were not only not there for me but that they were embarrassed by me. For example, when i was in hospital after self harming my mother said "You've had your life handed to you on a plate, why do this?" Twenty plus years on i wrote to them both to inform them that I'd been recently diagnosed with Aspergers - they wrote back to say "good luck for the future". This response nearly drove me insane for reasons I am sure you can imagine. I asked my son, aged 14 and also Aspergers, what to do - he said put the letters on the fire. So I did, and it was a turning point - sort of. I realised that I had put my trust in a very dodgy safety net and it had failed - badly. And i chose to walk away from them both. Is this linked to Autism? Maybe, in that I am 101% convinced it is inherited. Way i look at it - they are in some sort of denial which can only be destructive for everyone.

Not all parents are supportive. One of mine was physically abusive, quite badly so. Whilst I do feel for those parents who are trying to understand their ASD children and trying to do their best by them, it is important to realise that not all parents are like that.

My own made life much worse for my sibling and myself. I know that having two AS children must have been extrememly difficult, but I cannot condone the use of physical violence to any children be they ASD or not. 

AS being genetic -  isn't one likely to have at least one parent with difficulties themselves, unless I understand that incorrectly. That coupled with the fact that I have read - the other parent is often found to have some kind of mood disorder, doesn't make for a happy home life.

Are there many other people with AS who have a similar unpleasent experience of home-life? I am sure there are.

If you have supportive parents you are very lucky - make the most of them. 

Well i prefer to be away from my parents as they are the source of (what many would say) a harsh environment for a child-teenager to grow up in, it got worse when mum got a new man in her life, and I could clearly see that they aren't for each other and my life has been a nightmare ever since. Most of the family seems to be in denial about my condition and treats me like their parents treated them plus i am the only one in the family with it.

As a parent, I wanted to write to defend parents and say it's not easy.

Most parents want to love and support their children but it different at diffrent ages.  When they are little, it's easy to love, as they become teenagers it's a challenge to see eye-to-eye and as people grow older (that's children and parents) they grow back together.

Plus everyone has their own perspective. So, parents might think they are being supportive whilst the child might think they are being unloving.

What I'm saying is things change over time and try and see thing from the other point of view as well as your own (not instead of).

We all have things that are going on in our head, whoever we are, but just take a moment to remember that we are not the only person involved in the parent/child relattionship and that parents have things going on too.  Something that you may not realise is going on.

I never knew my Dad because he died when I was 2.

My Mum has been great, always been there, supportive, stuck up for me but I feel I have worn her out sometimes and now she is quite aged and isn't able to do much for me.

But she has been great actually and deserves a medal.

I am sorry for people whose parents aren't supportive but I think it happens a lot.

Not knowing your parents, it's hard to say, 'two.

My parents are and always have been great, very supportive, good parents.

However, there have been times, because the mental space I've been in that I've thought the exact opposite, and I've thought they couldn't careless if I died.

I now know that not to be true - because when I needed them most they were there for me, and they have done and continue to do an incredible amount to help and support me.

But there are times, when I'm low, when those feelings of isolation, lonliness, and lack of support come back.

That said, I don't know your parents, so I can not know in your case.