Hi Everyone,
I’m Lola and I’m new here but I wanted to write about how I’m feeling atm and have been for a very long time and things aren’t getting any better, I’m beyond desperate and not sure what to do.. I am experiencing intense suicidal thoughts that are very restrictive, repetitive, obsessive, i have ongoing mental health challenges, I am experiencing a long battle with disordered eating, restriction, exercise etc. the crisis team and my dietician have ditched me. I don’t want to be alive yet I’m forced to stay in this world where Im suffering and causing others to suffer with me. I have so much anger, jealousy, sadness, hate, depressed, hopelessness, helplessness. I cycle through behaviours binging, suicide, self harm, OCD compulsions, restriction, harmful disordered eating, other harmful behaviours. I have violent meltdowns, shutdowns and I just can’t cope with being alive. I feel like a massive burden and I just can’t cope with anything at all. I feel so alone. People keep pressuring me into things I can’t cope with such as school because I can’t cope without it, we’re in a bad situation and we have no other options. I feel so trapped in the world and I’m doing everything I can to find a way to die and within my control whether it’s the last thing I do. I think all the time that I wish my heart would just give up or I could induce a heart attack or die in my sleep. Why is everyone doing this to me? Life has never felt this hard. So many things are wrong and things I just can’t physically and mentally make myself do and there’s no hope, I can’t take anymore of life. There just isn’t a way out of this mess and I want the pain to end. Therapy isn’t helping, we just go round and round in circles and I just keep hitting crisis. Why isn’t there more support for people like me? Why does it have to get so bad for people to care?
Honestly if anyone feels the same, please comment 
Thinking of you all and sending strength, please stay safe. Lola 
xx
