I am an adult child of an autistic mother. Recently my sister passed away, and my father is in poor health.
Our childhood was emotionally hard, and neither of us ever recovered in terms of confidence or trust. But after years of little contact, when she started spending more time with the family, she was really good with our mother. She told me the secret was just to treat her like a toddler, not to take the insults personally, to just accept that disruptions in routine or when her plans dont work out, result in tantrums, and to just fake the relationship. Give the answers she wants and let her think you're close and following her idea of what daughters should be.
Ive never been able to bring myself to follow that advice for more than a few days at a time. The more time I spend with my mother the more I am offended, angry and disappointed. She says she won't tell or that she accepts my life choices, but if it's a bad day she goes for blood.
Should I just manipulate her (let her think she's manipulated me) to keep the peace? When does supporting my mother become more important than having a real relationship with her? It makes me so sad that she just doesn't like me, it's been years since I have tried to talk through important things or confidenin her because it becomes weaponised when I don't make the decisions she would. But I had always hoped we could get past it once she saw I'm ok. I have a house and a job and a stable relationship.
So my real question is how do you weigh up the disrespect of the toddler method against what would help her emotionally?
I worry about how mean she is to my father, she doesn't like that he's sick, and now with grief, she lashes out. Should I just try to keep her calm for his sake? He will know what I'm doing, but would keep my cover
