Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been meaning to start a thread on this for ages, but in a way it's such a big hang-up that I kept delaying it. Bur firemonkey's thread about fitting in has prompted me to have a go at putting some words together on the subject. Because this particular thing often makes me feel disproportionately alone/singular on a forum despite statistics I've seen elsewhere indicating that I shouldn't be.
The statistic in question: That 44% of 'high-functioning' autistic people are in relationships, and 56% are not.
When I read that about four months ago, it took a lot of the sense of societal pressure I'd been feeling momentarily off me, as I realised that I'm (within autistic circles) not only less of a minority than I'd be in society generally (where about 16% are in the mid-to long-term single camp at any one time, and about 5% have no real relationship history to speak of), but even part of a majority - the people who (at any given moment at any rate) are autistic and single. Presumably meaning that there's a core constituency of the long-term single somewhat larger than that NT-normative 5%-16% spectrum that I just mentioned.
So, when I came on here, I expected to see - comfortingly - others like me. Been on their own most of their life, live alone, and so on.
But nearly everybody on here who initially talks about not connecting well with people, struggling in society, needing a lot of solitude etc. will at some point casually reference a partner, spouse, children. The disconnect always feels strange to me. How did so many socially challenged people end up doing exactly what NTs do so perplexingly easily, and just fall into these highly prescribed, ultra-orthodox relationships and domestic - often marital - situations and why aren't they constantly reacting in puzzlement as to the contradictory nature of their situation?
I'm aware that that could almost sound like I'm trying to be derogatory about some (overall - life is complicated) lovely - hopefully!- situations for people that in fact I wish them only well with. But, like firemonkey felt about the employment stats/forum as 'proxy' situation (see the 'Not at all sure...' thread), I have an equivalent thing with the above that makes me feel very odd man out, when in theory that 54% weighting towards the contrary should be more detectably present here.
Am I wrong about that? One factor I should bear in mind is that coupled-up people (sometimes including 'living apart together's and so on) usually broadcast in real life a continuous hard signal (explicit information about that - wedding ring, who they're walking about with etc.) whereas the unmarried but in a relationship people and the truly single people are - when on solo trips out and about - blended together in complete and equal ambiguity - either status is completely undetectable at face value unless accompanied by children or somesuch. So you have to rely on probability theory to feel not anomalous when out and about. Eg. in a supermarket with 100 adults in it, 16 of them are in theory invisibly single, as I am (hope that makes sense!). Similarly, online - and very naturally - in referring to their life, a significant other, or children (the two not necessarily going together of course), or perhaps (as - I was sorry to hear - in fremonkey's case) being a widow - a coupled-up person soon confirms themselves as such. But that seems to be nearly everyone on here, and I can't make the evidence square adequately with the statistic in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like a strange outlier that even many on here would look at as a bit weird for not fitting into the norm more in at least (as if it was so easy!) that respect. It feels kind of lonely, and that a cosmic joke constantly has the objective truth of things hidden in my blind-spot, no matter what mental gymnastics or research I put myself through.
If there's anyone else on here who is single and comfortable saying so (I'm not trying to smoke you out for some nefarious agenda - that's absolutely not what this is about!) I'd appreciate that, as right now I feel like an alien even among aliens. And feeling so just a tiny bit less would be nice(r).
I'm single and always have been. I consider myself eternally single and have accepted it.
In my 20s I wanted to be in a relationship. I thought it was something that was expected of me and back then I didn't know why I was so different to everyone else. I didn't have any friends (and still don't), so I didn't go to any social events where I might meet someone. I did go to some work social events but I hated every second and would get so anxious I could not speak, even with copious amounts of alcohol.
I tried newspaper dating ads (this was pre internet). I went on quite a few dates but I can only describe them as awkward. I did not meet anyone who I felt I could talk to or was attracted to. Most of the time I did not have anything to say, other than the things I had rehearsed in advance. I would decline any dates where any food was involved, due to longstanding issues with eating in front of others. The only type of date where I felt remotely comfortable was the cinema, as I didn't have to talk or attempt to make eye contact. I hate being touched and even having another person sat next to me in the cinema I found very difficult.
I decided that dating and relationships just wasn't for me and stopped trying around 25 years ago.
Being single does make life more difficult in a practical and financial sense. For instance I would like to travel more but the single supplements make it prohibitively expensive. When I do travel solo I feel that I stand out and attract the attention of well meaning fellow travellers, who invite me to join them at dinner etc. I go mute if people start asking me questions and I can't eat in front of other people. I end up spending far too much time in my room when travelling, to avoid such attention. If I was part of a couple it would be much easier to blend in and go unnoticed.
A lot of that resonates quite strongly, Autonomistic! Though I didn't even have the bravery for some of the things you tried. Or the inclination really. It felt like one of those ';for other people' things, and not for mutants like me. Thanks for taking the time to be open about it all. REally appreciated, and certainly makes me feel less alone.
That's how I think too, that relationships are something that other people do. Just because it is seen as a society norm doesn't mean that everyone has to. I hope you no longer think of yourself as a mutant
The difficulties we face as autistic people are understandable. Even within the autistic community people have varying profiles and strengths. I think I am particularly low functioning verbally and socially, but not in some other ways. Many autistic people prefer being alone a lot of the time and I am one of those. I very rarely feel lonely.
My diagnosis has helped me to look back and understand what went wrong. It is still hard not to think how differently things might have been if I'd known I was autistic at the time. I didn't understand anything about emotions, body language, eye contact, flirtation.... The list is endless.
I approached the dates like they were job interviews and I was incredibly anxious. I had scripted questions I would ask and rehearsed answers to what I expected them to ask me. Once I'd been through the 'script' I didn't have a clue what to say or do next. I now understand that the scripting was a form of masking.