Am I alone in being alone? It feels that way even on here

I've been meaning to start a thread on this for ages, but in a way it's such a big hang-up that I kept delaying it. Bur firemonkey's thread about fitting in has prompted me to have a go at putting some words together on the subject. Because this particular thing often makes me feel disproportionately alone/singular on a forum despite statistics I've seen elsewhere indicating that I shouldn't be. 

The statistic in question: That 44% of 'high-functioning' autistic people are in relationships, and 56% are not. 

When I read that about four months ago, it took a lot of the sense of societal pressure I'd been feeling momentarily off me, as I realised that I'm (within autistic circles) not only less of a minority than I'd be in society generally (where about 16% are in the mid-to long-term single camp at any one time, and about 5% have no real relationship history to speak of), but even part of a majority - the people who (at any given moment at any rate) are autistic and single. Presumably meaning that there's a core constituency of the long-term single somewhat larger than that NT-normative 5%-16% spectrum that I just mentioned.  

So, when I came on here, I expected to see - comfortingly - others like me. Been on their own most of their life, live alone, and so on. 

But nearly everybody on here who initially talks about not connecting well with people, struggling in society, needing a lot of solitude etc. will at some point casually reference a partner, spouse, children. The disconnect always feels strange to me. How did so many socially challenged people end up doing exactly what NTs do so perplexingly easily, and just fall into these highly prescribed, ultra-orthodox relationships and domestic - often marital - situations and why aren't they constantly reacting in puzzlement as to the contradictory nature of their situation? 

I'm aware that that could almost sound like I'm trying to be derogatory about some (overall - life is complicated) lovely - hopefully!- situations for people that in fact I wish them only well with. But, like firemonkey felt about the employment stats/forum as 'proxy' situation (see the 'Not at all sure...' thread), I have an equivalent thing with the above that makes me feel very odd man out, when in theory that 54% weighting towards the contrary should be more detectably present here. 

Am I wrong about that? One factor I should bear in mind is that coupled-up people  (sometimes including 'living apart together's and so on) usually broadcast in real life a continuous hard signal (explicit information about that - wedding ring, who they're walking about with etc.) whereas the unmarried but in a relationship people and the truly single people are - when on solo trips out and about - blended together in complete and equal  ambiguity - either status is completely undetectable at face value unless accompanied by children or somesuch. So you have to rely on probability theory to feel not anomalous when out and about. Eg. in a supermarket with 100 adults in it, 16 of them are in theory invisibly single, as I am (hope that makes sense!). Similarly, online - and very naturally - in referring to their life, a significant other, or children (the two not necessarily going together of course), or perhaps (as - I was sorry to hear - in fremonkey's case) being a widow -  a coupled-up person soon confirms themselves as such. But that seems to be nearly everyone on here, and I can't make the evidence square adequately with the statistic in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like a strange outlier that even many on here would look at as a bit weird for not fitting into the norm more in at least (as if it was so easy!) that respect. It feels kind of lonely, and that a cosmic joke constantly has the objective truth of things hidden in my blind-spot, no matter what mental gymnastics or research I put myself through. 

If there's anyone else on here who is single and comfortable saying so (I'm not trying to smoke you out for some nefarious agenda - that's absolutely not what this is about!) I'd appreciate that, as right now I feel like an alien even among aliens. And feeling so just a tiny bit less would be nice(r).

Parents
  • Hi, we are much the same. I've never been in a relationship before I can't make a single friend let alone start dating somebody. It is lonely but I find comfort here talking to everyone and I'm hoping one day I'll get better control of the anxiety and be able to get out there and do more.

    I have step mum and sister who are closer in my life now but sadly no friends or boyfriend at the moment.

  • Thanks for sharing, Luna. Life is hard there's no doubt about it, but you're right - this place offers a good bit of comfort and connection for all us 'outsiders even among outsiders' and your kindness in contributing with complete honesty is deeply appreciated. I hope karma brings some good friends into your life, and not 'just' online - you deserve it. I'm glad this community has helped you feel less alone.

Reply
  • Thanks for sharing, Luna. Life is hard there's no doubt about it, but you're right - this place offers a good bit of comfort and connection for all us 'outsiders even among outsiders' and your kindness in contributing with complete honesty is deeply appreciated. I hope karma brings some good friends into your life, and not 'just' online - you deserve it. I'm glad this community has helped you feel less alone.

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