Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been meaning to start a thread on this for ages, but in a way it's such a big hang-up that I kept delaying it. Bur firemonkey's thread about fitting in has prompted me to have a go at putting some words together on the subject. Because this particular thing often makes me feel disproportionately alone/singular on a forum despite statistics I've seen elsewhere indicating that I shouldn't be.
The statistic in question: That 44% of 'high-functioning' autistic people are in relationships, and 56% are not.
When I read that about four months ago, it took a lot of the sense of societal pressure I'd been feeling momentarily off me, as I realised that I'm (within autistic circles) not only less of a minority than I'd be in society generally (where about 16% are in the mid-to long-term single camp at any one time, and about 5% have no real relationship history to speak of), but even part of a majority - the people who (at any given moment at any rate) are autistic and single. Presumably meaning that there's a core constituency of the long-term single somewhat larger than that NT-normative 5%-16% spectrum that I just mentioned.
So, when I came on here, I expected to see - comfortingly - others like me. Been on their own most of their life, live alone, and so on.
But nearly everybody on here who initially talks about not connecting well with people, struggling in society, needing a lot of solitude etc. will at some point casually reference a partner, spouse, children. The disconnect always feels strange to me. How did so many socially challenged people end up doing exactly what NTs do so perplexingly easily, and just fall into these highly prescribed, ultra-orthodox relationships and domestic - often marital - situations and why aren't they constantly reacting in puzzlement as to the contradictory nature of their situation?
I'm aware that that could almost sound like I'm trying to be derogatory about some (overall - life is complicated) lovely - hopefully!- situations for people that in fact I wish them only well with. But, like firemonkey felt about the employment stats/forum as 'proxy' situation (see the 'Not at all sure...' thread), I have an equivalent thing with the above that makes me feel very odd man out, when in theory that 54% weighting towards the contrary should be more detectably present here.
Am I wrong about that? One factor I should bear in mind is that coupled-up people (sometimes including 'living apart together's and so on) usually broadcast in real life a continuous hard signal (explicit information about that - wedding ring, who they're walking about with etc.) whereas the unmarried but in a relationship people and the truly single people are - when on solo trips out and about - blended together in complete and equal ambiguity - either status is completely undetectable at face value unless accompanied by children or somesuch. So you have to rely on probability theory to feel not anomalous when out and about. Eg. in a supermarket with 100 adults in it, 16 of them are in theory invisibly single, as I am (hope that makes sense!). Similarly, online - and very naturally - in referring to their life, a significant other, or children (the two not necessarily going together of course), or perhaps (as - I was sorry to hear - in fremonkey's case) being a widow - a coupled-up person soon confirms themselves as such. But that seems to be nearly everyone on here, and I can't make the evidence square adequately with the statistic in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like a strange outlier that even many on here would look at as a bit weird for not fitting into the norm more in at least (as if it was so easy!) that respect. It feels kind of lonely, and that a cosmic joke constantly has the objective truth of things hidden in my blind-spot, no matter what mental gymnastics or research I put myself through.
If there's anyone else on here who is single and comfortable saying so (I'm not trying to smoke you out for some nefarious agenda - that's absolutely not what this is about!) I'd appreciate that, as right now I feel like an alien even among aliens. And feeling so just a tiny bit less would be nice(r).
I have only had one relationship and that is with my husband. We met because I put an advertisement in the local paper (pre internet) looking for friendship (I was going through a very lonely spell at the time). He is very NT but also unusual in that he had no friends and is reserved and quiet and this suited me perfectly. It was a one in a million chance to meet him and I am under no illusion that if I hadn't I would be in exactly the same position as you, Shardovan.
We've been together 25 years and I still wonder why he's with me - I have no confidence that I'm worth the effort. I am inflexible, non tactile, unable to show or even identify emotion (even love in a recognisable way) and often distracted and withdrawn. I hide from social situations and am the opposite of spontaneous. He is the opposite of me in all these ways and it does cause challenges.
So what may appear as perfect on the surface is rarely the case. Often we just muddle through. Just because you are not in or have never been in a romantic relationship does not make you less of a wonderful person. You are kind, thoughtful and worthy just as you are.
It is a shame that society seems to place such emphasis on our self worth being linked to being with someone else, as if that's a measure of our right to belong to the human race. And as for statistics and percentages, I tend not to bother with them, its just another way to divide people.