Hi all,
i I have just joined this site. I really do not know very much but I’m keen to learn
I was married for 30 years and in that time had so many conversations that made no sense whatsoever and I believe myself and my partner to both be intelligent people. He did not seem to be able to cope with a change of plan or routine. So many holidays were a disappointment due to strange behaviour. I would tiptoe around him and rarely dared ask anything of him as he felt out of control, it needed to be on a list. The main problems began after having my three sons when I was unable to devote my attention completely to him. Life tended to be spontaneous and flexible going with the flow this I think again left him feeling uncomfortable. I noticed when he spoke to his colleagues he often used eloquent language which I felt they did not understand yet he had little awareness of this. He seems unable to pick up on the feelings or emotions of others particularly myself. He could be quite hurtful and unkind yet there was never an apology it was as though he was completely unaware that he had been unkind. He seemed unable to verbalise how he was feeling and when he had feelings of being overwhelmed or upset instead of owning those feelings himself they would be projected onto me something I was doing. Often after an episode or attempted discussion that left me feeling confused he would clean out the Tupperware drawer and fold the recycled plastic bags in the drawer. When I approached him to tell him of my concerns or feelings I felt him immediately shut down it felt like I was talking to a statue or robot like he was not really there. He would speak in a very controlled slow thoughtful way yet there was a sense of it not being real. He could be quite hurtful and unkind yet there was never an apology it was as though he was completely unaware that he had been hurtful. If I retreated to a safe place also seen as withdrawal he often initially would sing and also be angry with me. Are usually ended up apologising for withdrawing for my bad behaviour yet the reason for that withdrawal was never acknowledged. He mainly worked alone rarely mixing with others and often if he did it would end up in disaster.
After we separated for reasons I have no idea, he mentioned quite a few things that I did that I felt a person would be appreciated for or be thanked for but from his perspective they were bad one of the things being my organising weekends away. I thought that was a nice thing to do. He seems very rigid and not flexible has little empathy or awareness of others. Each time we moved house or job it jeopardised our relationship for some reason he seemed unable to cope and focused his annoyance on me. Any unmet expectation he had resulted in anger towards me. He is a good person and I know does his best and I have no ill feelings towards him I just wish I could help
What was I experiencing over these 30 years, I am a very flexible easy-going kind loving caring person. In my marriage I supported his every wish and desire, he now writes poems about his fateful past and his dreams unmet. I thought we lived a fabulous full and rewarding life and we were blessed as well as having three beautiful boys yet his view is completely different. He was told he had a borderline personality disorder which he refuses to acknowledge I have always felt he had many BPD traits but we were missing something could autism possibly have played a part. Ps I’m 60 and he is 63. Often in conversations, my words would take on another meaning..usually bad. I once said, I am so sorry you feel that way… he was furious.
I hope I have not said anything untoward..like I say I am at. Beginning of my learning.. after 30 years! Can you believe it. Could this be high functioning autistic behaviour. Oh yes he walks in a kind clumsy way, that I find endearing. Thank you.