For those diagnosed, what level are you?

A straightforward answer is that I was diagnosed as Level 1 on the ASC support-needed scale. I can pass as neurotypical 99% of the time when in public. However I have problems connected to my autism, such as exhaustion from social interactions. I was at the Autism Show (conference) yesterday, and after getting up and having breakfast today had to go back to bed and slept a further two hours, I just needed the extra sleep to recharge my 'social batteries'. I experience sensory problems with: noise of many types, bright  light and some textures. I also experience anxiety in crowds and in making telephone calls. I am diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and social phobia.

If, like me, you can function in society apparently 'normally', but have definite problems arising from your autism, you are no less autistic than people who cannot function in society. The difference is not only connected with different levels of ability, but also with external perception. Someone who struggles but succeeds in functioning, often suffers as much as someone who is unable to function.

Interesting.  Nobody mentioned any support needs scale when I was assessed.  I think I've been passing as NT for most of my life though, with lots of anxiety and other issues just automatically pushed down/hidden and extensive masking.  The result was often that I got blamed and judged, including lots of internalised blame adding to the load. 

And so, for example, I was regularly given negative feedback at appraisals or reasons for being made redundant that, looking back, were linked to being autistic.  The phrasing would often be along the lines of "You're obviously very talented, but..." or "Why can't you be more like so-and-so (very confident NT type referred to) or "Well, we asked so-and-so for an informal reference and they said that you keep yourself to yourself" and on and on.  The fact was that I was always excuciatingly anxious and needed support and accommodations rather than blame.

So, yes, I'd say that apparently succeeding in functionning generally speaking, whilst quite often throwing out some rather conspicuous malfunctions due to extreme autistic anxiety has been akin to an invisible disability.  People's expectations of me were rather higher too, and the blame correspondingly harsh.  And I certainly need a lot of rest to recover from all of this.      

 

JennyButterfly, that rings so true for me as well. I've generally had good appraisals over the years, but had a catastrophic one in 2016 that completely blindsided and deeply hurt me as I hadn't realised how poorly I was perceived by my then boss. She's a really nice person, which made it even worse - I had to accept that it wasn't unfair or vindicitive, I just hadn't adjusted to new tasks/a new role as adeptly or quickly as my colleagues who started equivalent posts at the same time. It coincided with some horrendous stuff happening close to home with family as well, which was occupying the entire bandwidth of my thoughts for a massive part of that year but I hadn't felt able (or that it was appropriate) to talk about it. I was also having some weird IT thing happening where about a third of my (and only my) workflow wasn't being captured/recorded as a measurable daily output. And I was overly-fixating on the granular detail of 'telling the story' in my record keeping, which was the legacy of the previous dept. I'd worked in where that was a little more contextually appropriate. So my already fragile self-esteeem shattered and I was broken for such a long time. In some ways I still am. The shame runs very deep, and there's a feeling that my true best efforts weren't seen. The awfulness caused a breakdown - and crying in front of one's line manager, even briefly, is so embarrassing for both parties. Subsequent appriasals have been fine (though I continue to dread and hate them), but I'm more established into the routine of the department (and intend to stay in this role long term) and can pace myself with more intuitive appropriateness to what a decent or good  volume of work as a mean daily average should look like. So that one year remains anomalous, but is with hindsight clear evidence of a neurodivergent brain and dwindling resilience/energy levels, and the distraction of private suffering, and a change of remit, all becoming the perfect storm. 

JennyButterfly, that rings so true for me as well. I've generally had good appraisals over the years, but had a catastrophic one in 2016 that completely blindsided and deeply hurt me as I hadn't realised how poorly I was perceived by my then boss. She's a really nice person, which made it even worse - I had to accept that it wasn't unfair or vindicitive, I just hadn't adjusted to new tasks/a new role as adeptly or quickly as my colleagues who started equivalent posts at the same time. It coincided with some horrendous stuff happening close to home with family as well, which was occupying the entire bandwidth of my thoughts for a massive part of that year but I hadn't felt able (or that it was appropriate) to talk about it. I was also having some weird IT thing happening where about a third of my (and only my) workflow wasn't being captured/recorded as a measurable daily output. And I was overly-fixating on the granular detail of 'telling the story' in my record keeping, which was the legacy of the previous dept. I'd worked in where that was a little more contextually appropriate. So my already fragile self-esteeem shattered and I was broken for such a long time. In some ways I still am. The shame runs very deep, and there's a feeling that my true best efforts weren't seen. The awfulness caused a breakdown - and crying in front of one's line manager, even briefly, is so embarrassing for both parties. Subsequent appriasals have been fine (though I continue to dread and hate them), but I'm more established into the routine of the department (and intend to stay in this role long term) and can pace myself with more intuitive appropriateness to what a decent or good  volume of work as a mean daily average should look like. So that one year remains anomalous, but is with hindsight clear evidence of a neurodivergent brain and dwindling resilience/energy levels, and the distraction of private suffering, and a change of remit, all becoming the perfect storm.