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Understanding peoples motives

OutwardBoundBob

Hi!

I'd like to hear how other autistic people cope with or understand peoples motives. My brother was in an emotionally abusive relationship (no physical violence). He and his ex-partner have an 8 year old child together and at the moment they both have equal time with him living with them. It was an exceptionally difficult time for my brother, and still is as his ex is volatile and still trying to control the situation that they now find themselves in. Basically it has escalated very quickly from my brother requesting his ex to go through mediation to try and work through a suitable parental plan for their son. She begrudgingly participated and as I understand that she lied throughout the sessions and has now terminated mediation and my brother received a letter from her solicitor along with her slightly 'revised' proposal of a parental agreement for him to sign. In essence they are agreed on my nephews welfare thankfully. Her parental plan however leaves a lot of areas 'open' in which we believe, it having been explained to me, that allows her able to still make demands and try to control the situation.

That wasn't as brief as I was expecting to write. Okay so my main question is this: I don't fully understand what her real intentions are. We know for a fact that she has lied to mutual friends and that she appears to be trying to 'play the victim' in this situation. Why might someone do this and does it mean she has other intentions? As well as the stress on my brother it is really stressing me out too, however my main concern is of that of my nephew and how he is really feeling about it all. Does anyone have experience on how to talk to a child and try to reassure them of any worries that they may be experiencing? Knowing my own anxiety issues I can see similar similar signs in my nephew and would like to reach out and support him as best as I can. It's a difficult one as I'm not great at understanding or dealing with emotions myself. I'd be grateful of any views or advice that anyone may be able to share. Thanks.

  • in reply to Sporadic Sparkly

    Thank you for your reply. Yes the split was very messy and prolonged. I very much hope that our friends are intelligent enough to make an informed decision on facts rather than hearsay.

    As for my nephew who is (I don't like to use this term as it sounds like some sort of game, but can't think of a better word right now) the biggest loser in this, I'm not sure that he is totally aware of the gravitas of the situation. He's only 8 bless him. I always tell him that it's good to talk about things that worry us. I don't want to instigate a conversation with him though that might alert him to the whole situation although he is very astute. The last thing I want to do is to create additional anxiety for him. I've suggested to my brother that it might be good to have a 'worry' box into which he can write down his concerns and at the end of the week address them all as appropriately as we can. I've also suggested a 'positives' jar so that not the onus is not focused on just negatives. About a month ago my brother started leaving him messages on a light board (like the ones you used to get outside of cinemas telling you what was being played that day) with things such as 'I am always here for you' so that if my nephew wakes in the middle of the night there is a positive, loving and reassuring message there. 

  • It is my understanding that if couples split on bad terms, it can sadly be quite normal to expect mutual friends to pick sides. I could be mistaken, but it seems to me that by playing the victim, your brother's ex is possibly manipulating the mutual friends into remaining friends with her and not with your brother, particularly if she has made him out to be a terrible person. If these mutual friends know her and your brother well enough, they will possibly see straight through it.

    As for your nephew, I can understand your concerns. Hopefully, there will be members with experience of similar situations who will be able to advise you on how to offer support and reassurance to him. A good start might be to tell your nephew that you are there for him if he wants to talk about what's going on with his parents.