Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there! A couple months ago my partner of 2 years and I broke up for quite a few reasons. We are now coming very close to getting back together, and one of the reasons that has pushed me to want to give it a go is that during out time apart she was diagnosed as having high-functioning autism. It has changed the way I think about a lot of her actions/behaviours a lot, as I'm sure has happened to many people in a similar situation. I understand and empathise with a lot of her quirks and needs a lot more. Reading about ASD has been fascinating because it all lines up so well (not just the bad behaviours, but the ones I like too like how she tends to talk endlessly about topics she's passionate about).
I'm feeling constantly conflicted because with the ASD diagnosis it gives me hope that these things are workable, and that if they're not possible to be changed it might be easier to work around them with that new knowledge. But that being said, I'm also worried that nothing will change and the same problems that were there before will persist just as they were. As for the reasons why we broke up:
From her side: I have become lazy and unmotivated over COVID and had stopped pursuing my passions completely, every day becoming a repeat of the last. I slunk into a depression without realising it and it caused her attraction to me to wane.
From my side: She deals with conflict very poorly, either shutting herself away for hours or sometimes days and then coming out and acting like nothing happened and not wanting to talk about it, or she gets very defensive and treats everything I say as an attack. This made it very difficult for me to tell her when she had done something that upset me. There were also a lot of other minor behaviours which I now realise are things which typically come with ASD, and there was the additional factor of differing libidos, but she said that was partly due to her losing attraction to me towards the end.
I have been trying to work on myself and improve and have made good strides towards being less lazy (I have gone back to my home country for a bit so we have had some space). I think maybe if we were to get back together we could potentially go see a couples therapist as I discovered there are those who specialise in ASD + non-ASD relationships. She cannot afford a therapist by herself (I see one every now and then). I'm just really conflicted and trying to follow my heart and not worry about the future, but half the time I think I would love to work on these things with her and that it will be wonderful if we get back together, the other half I'm worried about if I'm committing myself to something where I might not be happy if the issues stay just as bad and that I can't expect her to change. I think she also has quite a bit of childhood trauma from her family leading her to not having many examples of positive relationships in her life. Does anyone have experience with a similar situation and how it turned out?
Past trauma or not, it's more important to ask if you both are willing to be intentionally respectful and open to growth, actively working towards common goals and if you have Shared Values.
An individual will mature by growing their character - become a better version of their innate personality, working on an emotional an psychological integration of intent+words+actions. There is also not-so-subtle difference between Character and Personality. Personality is who we are at our core. As we learn what we value, we grow our character, which is how we present that personality (learning to use it for good or evil).
Autistic humans cannot ever dull their senses - it's hard baked into our neuro-wiring. They may be overwhelmed by them or they may need shielding mechanisms for being in public. Just today I was in a shop where new incredibly bright lights had been installed. I had to put my sunglasses on to shop. I don't enjoy doing this as I do not enjoy being different. I'm much older now, but when young being forced to do something like this would add unnecessary stress which, in turn would make me feel angry, judged and frustrated. This would not make my partner happy but it's not his job to make me happy, nor is it his to demand to 'act normal'. A Non-Autistic (Neurotic) individual wouldn't enjoy walking into a shop only to have someone following them around zapping them at the back of the head every time they tried to focus on what was in front of them.
Being older and used to how chaotic and absolutely careless society is assaulting everyone's senses, I've taken action where I can and have learned to be kind toward the individual I'm with, accepting that I'm different, caring less about being judged, and make a point to send an email to the shop when home. These are concrete actions that have taken years to learn. I also no longer allow myself to be in the company of someone who will dismiss and disregard the measures I need to take to protect myself from the elements and from other cruel people. I have sufficiently incorporated a No A**hole Rule into my life and learned how many Fv*ks I am able to give every day. I have arrived at my 40's with practical applicable rules for life, both ethical and well-aligned with self-compassion. This is not something I knew how to do in my 20's. Some thanks to Caitlin Moran.
Now, when it comes to partnerships or parenting even, the best question to ask is How can I Help. One could also ask does this help or hurt. Am I creating inclusion or pushing them away.
An autistic human most likely won't be able to identify their 'feelings' immediately. Ever. Again, we are wired to perceive and communicate different, so we do not have an Asymmetric focus on the language/semiotic lobes. Don't expect this to change. Having a few days off from a heated issue is actually a Very Mature Move. But, the second part to that is committing to working though the problem. Your partner won't ever have the correct language straight away. She may not be able to identify serious offences for years, if you're lucky a few months. There is a difference between not wanting to speak on a subject and not being capable of speaking. This is where a therapist can help. However, if I were her and felt I worked harder than you but also made / had less money than you AND I was forced to pay my share to see a therapist so I could finally find the words to communicate how I felt impacted by possible offences, I might rather move on. I shouldn't be punished and fined for something someone else did. Apologies, I'm just being quite straight forward here.
It is a luxury for some to go to a therapist. Autistics tend to already be far more diligent than Neurotics (Non-Autistics). Our strengths are not valued in society, we are confronted at a very young age that we are different and the amount of extra conscious work we do to fit in is nothing short of exhausting. It might be beneficial to begin to understand what she meant by 'lazy' as this can imply many things.
Not having the same language skills as a Non-Autistic and also being hyper-sensitive to sensory issues, creates a very difficult problem for us. 1. If we're seemingly quite intelligent, we can sense when Non-Autistics are attempting to dominate or when they're immoral/unethical. I'm not using these words as virtue signalling hails but as philosophical fundamental baselines. We might not understand what we're picking up immediately, as our internal - interception skills are not the same as Non-Autistics. But we have a "spider-sense" and can 'sense' rather than feel when something is misaligned. Non-autistics can hide all they wish, but from our point of view the Truth Always Surfaces. Always. Sometimes it takes a few months. Sometimes a few years. 2. This 'sense' minus Neurotic language skills can be incredibly daunting. It means we sense something is off, and are INTENSELY impacted by our senses (which will never change) and yet cannot command language like a Non-Autistic. This only results in a great deal of Absolute Frustration. One feels like a thunderstorm. And if small offences build up, unresolved over time, at some point everything snaps and either suddenly I might realise I'm so distant from the other that all desire to be with them is gone, or if I am so attached I cannot lose this person, it becomes so overwhelming that the intensity is thrown onto that other in what might feel like horrifying rage. For this reason alone, I don't always recommend immature Autistic / Neurotic partnerships.
If you've withheld a thing because you're afraid of her response, you're misread her entirely. Almost all autistics appreciate straight forward and precise communication - we can not ever read your mind and misunderstanding / confusion is worse than pretty much anything. If she's angered by something you've accused her of it's most likely because it was a false accusation and you have misjudged her. This happens ALL THE TIME. Most of us want to be included not excluded so learning practical tools to be included is something many of us are incredibly diligent and hard-working over.
If these key Autism differences (intense sensory impact, zero telepathy skills, difficulty with language and emotions) are things you hope to change, they won't. But if you would hope you could both put equal amount of work to respect one another's limitations and be supportive by learning new tools to communicate and help one another, then perhaps there's a chance. Finally I'll say this. If I feel I cannot share the things which inspire me and make me excited with my significant other, which is an act of vulnerably and intimacy, I probably won't want to share a bed with him, which is also an equivalent to the same type of being vulnerable and intimate. I can learn to hold off until appropriate times and respect when the timing isn't quite right, though.
These are no small details. When in doubt, this woman has regular posts on issues we face: https://www.instagram.com/thearticulateautistic/
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NAS79825 said:I'm just really conflicted and trying to follow my heart and not worry about the future
Conflicted is OK. But following one's "heart" can be dangerous, seemingly reckless, if you have little intention or regard toward the future. This doesn't work for anyone, Autistic or not. First work out a vision for your future. Commitment (not a pinky promise, but come what may) to that might actually be the key to this whole thing.
Good luck!
Thank you for giving such a detailed response. This is a very difficult time for me and I'm filled to the brim with feelings of sadness and hope. Even if these things will not change I'm just scared that I will not be able to cope with what I will have to do to help her needs, but maybe I will! Frankly I have no idea! I want to learn all I can about what she needs and how to get what I need from her.
As for withholding things that have upset me, I can promise you that it is not because of me misinterpreting her actions (at least most of the time). I'm pretty good at not being accusatory when I raise something which upset me, simply stating how something made me feel, and I still got the same response every time. Post-break-up I brought this up with her and while she was ironically initially quite defensive she came round to what I was saying when she realised she had said the same thing to her ex. Any and all forms of conflict she dealt with defensively even when I wasn't accusing her of anything at all and was maybe just expressing something that concerned me. That being said, she has said she wishes I stood up for myself more during the end of our relationship but that feels like an oxymoron when she got upset at me whenever I did such a thing. However, I understand what you mean about not being able to find the right words. It was difficult for me when she would come back from her cool down times and then not want to talk about the issue (so they normally remained unresolved to me even if she may have moved on from it), but I get that it may be incredibly difficult for her to communicate how she is feeling without it coming off aggressively so sometimes it's better to not communicate at all.
She's openly talked about what exactly she thought made me "lazy" and have agreed with all her points and in the two months we broke up have gone out of my way to make great strides in my career, creativity, and life which I am pretty proud of. I want to work things through with her but am just worried that she doesn't think she has anything to improve as much as I do when I think we both have things we need to work and focus on.
I'm not entirely sure what you mean by the therapy. I'm not sure why it would feel like she was being punished for something someone else did, as a I think a therapist would help us work through what we have both done wrong.
Thank you again, I really do appreciate you taking the time out of your day to help me understand this better. I am new to this and want to learn.
There are some very specific responses here which may surprise you to be 'typical' perspectives of NeuroTypical interaction with Autistics. These are two raising a few 'Red Flags' (I'll explain why)
One:
NAS79825 said:am just worried that she doesn't think she has anything to improve as much as I do when I think we both have things we need to work and focus on.
Two:
NAS79825 said:I'm pretty good at not being accusatory when I raise something which upset me, simply stating how something made me feel, and I still got the same response every time
One. We cannot control what the other is or isn't doing judging by our perceptions. NT and AS are not aligned perspectives. They are mis-aligned and unless specific steps of critical reasoning are intentionally adhered to, you will ALWAYS misread the other. Not just this. But if you go about any relationship measuring 'fairness' or with any possible scale for competition, you will have missed the entire point of finding an other to invest in, share life with and care for. We have different abilities and we should compliment each other - the other is not ours to control. So, perhaps she's excellent at changing lightbulbs and you're 5 stars with remembering the bins. Same for psychological and intellectual work. It will never be equal. Excel at the thing you're good at. You won't even know the amount of work she has to do to just exist in our society. If a NTypical works hard at being social, the AS works 5x harder and still fails half the time.
Two: Better stated, "I Think I'm pretty good at..." Remember, how you are taught to express how you feel may have come with a bit of conscious reasoning and learning. And you make an effort, you try to not accuse another, and can find the right words to express this - how a NeuroTypical appreciates. This isn't bad, it's a nice healthy way of addressing an issue, taking ownership for how I feel and allowing the other to choose how to respond. Autistic individuals are Only Taught This if they happen across a manual on the subject, in a therapists office or are explained this sort of troubleshooting from a friend. But you also need to explain exactly what you expect in response.
Autists, on the other hand might better catch and present the what happened rather than how it made them feel. We are wired to catch discrepancies (you said this, but did the opposite), and might not feel good about it, but in all honesty, we don't really know how we feel. In fact, we might present what happened or a functioning of another, and afford them the ability to do it different. While an apology is nice, it's useless if nothing changes and that exchange of mis-function repeats. Addressing the function is a different method of evaluating reality, leaving room for interpretation and re-doing a thing so it doesn't incur a negative impact.
The other part to this is, my perspective/beliefs and interpretation of your actions, how it impacted me, create a feeling. Therefore, feeling follows after action (or non-action) - side note here that all feelings can be created in the same way. This matters because, if you start talking about the sky when I said I feel blue, I may judge you to have dismissed what I said, drawing a conclusion that you don't care without even bothering to ask if you heard or misinterpreted what I was saying. Perhaps I didn't express it clearly. Perhaps we're in a museum and you thought I was going on about a Van Gogh. So, now I have a feeling of anxiety from feeling a separation, from feeling dismissed. And now I want an apology. But suddenly, you're defensive because I have completely misjudged the situation. This sort of misalignment, misperception happens almost all the time. This is the space (internally asking am I misperceiving this, if there is another way to understand, what are the variables I'm missing, asking got lost in translation) where Autistics do an extraordinary amount of work daily.
I have learned that the NeuroTypical regards 'defensiveness' from the Autistic as a way of shifting blame. Which leaves zero room for the Autistic to ever be given a fair trial.
Remember: doing the same thing and expecting a different response is a form of madness :)
First of all, what do you expect from a significant other?
There's a book about our Love Language - how we express and give love. Let's say you need positive affirmation daily to feel loved and she needs you to hoover the hall daily to feel loved (silly idea, but hopefully you get the point). Can you agree to small reasonable tasks for the sake of the other.
Now the next issue is more difficult. 2 autistic individuals having a conversation will connect by exchanging information. An analogy to exchanging ideas and thoughts would be the equivalent of cooking each other pies: yum! taste this! We don't need affirmation of inclusion or some trivial thing noticed. We might share intellectual discoveries which we find far more intriguing than a new hair cut, which is a mere aesthetic making life a little more pleasant surrounding this in depth conversation. Now. we might notice the hair cut but it's secondary because we do tend notice too many things all at once, and then genuinely express how nice it is a week later. I personally find this a more authentic form of kindness as someone actually thought about how nice my hair was, so by the time they say something, I know they're genuine.
But NTypical individuals seem to appreciate these surface and far less intellectual elements in conversation, then take offence if I don't say something immediately, even though my head might be making connexions in science and psychology, working out cloud patterns and how they relate to this time of the year, thinking about the temperature vs the wind and if it's near a storm dealing with how difficult that makes breathing. In other words, I can't just turn all these thoughts off. I can try and wade through them like a swamp, but I may not always tick the boxes for the social pleasantries. Making the effort, though I may tick one box. Individuals who I've known for 15 years are completely accepting of who I am and know I'm not a sociopath. They don't add unreasonable expectations or pick at / question every oddity or ask why I didn't say hello when I walked in the room to everyone. They know I may need a minute. If I'm hyper-focused on a thing, they might actually help remind me the wait staff are in front of us, to which I can snap out of where I was at in the moment and shift focus - but only because I've been practicing this for years and have created delegated spaces to apply this expectation. Snapping out and shifting cannot happen all the time. It is reserved for crowded locations and social engagements.
A sociopath on the other hand, is a NeuroTypical with heightened social awareness who has selfish motives. When they ignore a wait staff, it's to teach that other who's dominant. They can shift and snap focus on the drop of a hat and enjoy changing things up often. They like surprises, They enjoy pretending to engage in 'intellectual' discussion to make others feel less important. They're not baking you a pie. They're not sharing. They might actually understand and know what you're thinking/feeling (be empathetic) and simply be collecting that data to source against you at some point. If they don't say hello to you when they walk in a room, it's a cunning tactic to drive a bit of insecurity.
Sociopaths like to compete.
Autistics like to connect.
That is one of the biggest problems NTypicals have. Because, you are taught socially these forms of competition which we cannot pick up. You are wired for constructing social inclusion and hierarchies. We are more often wired for analysis. And one cannot evaluate a thing properly with value judgements.
The simplest thing here is to ask, did I have an unreasonable expectation. Did I do something she's responding negatively to. Is there miscommunication or is it reasonable to say, when you do x, it makes me feel _____. Is this something to negotiate on? Or Do you have core values (truthfulness, integrity, diplomacy) which clash. I did date someone once who just had little regard for the truth, it just didn't matter to him like it did me. And that's OK, we went our separate ways, but that is a core value and that is worth working out. Most things are silly. If you don't put the toilet seat down 50% of the time, but are incredibly respectful and kind, the toilet goes unnoticed. Maybe you take out the trash and she lines the bin. Lifestyle is important, but values are why people stay together or split.
Eric Fromm and Chesterton both talk about values and morals which are good for connexion. Erich Fromm wrote a book called The Art of Loving. These older scholars from the 1900's are both well good for practical values both NeuroTypical and Autistics can share. One needs to be respectful, patient and seek understanding.