Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there! A couple months ago my partner of 2 years and I broke up for quite a few reasons. We are now coming very close to getting back together, and one of the reasons that has pushed me to want to give it a go is that during out time apart she was diagnosed as having high-functioning autism. It has changed the way I think about a lot of her actions/behaviours a lot, as I'm sure has happened to many people in a similar situation. I understand and empathise with a lot of her quirks and needs a lot more. Reading about ASD has been fascinating because it all lines up so well (not just the bad behaviours, but the ones I like too like how she tends to talk endlessly about topics she's passionate about).
I'm feeling constantly conflicted because with the ASD diagnosis it gives me hope that these things are workable, and that if they're not possible to be changed it might be easier to work around them with that new knowledge. But that being said, I'm also worried that nothing will change and the same problems that were there before will persist just as they were. As for the reasons why we broke up:
From her side: I have become lazy and unmotivated over COVID and had stopped pursuing my passions completely, every day becoming a repeat of the last. I slunk into a depression without realising it and it caused her attraction to me to wane.
From my side: She deals with conflict very poorly, either shutting herself away for hours or sometimes days and then coming out and acting like nothing happened and not wanting to talk about it, or she gets very defensive and treats everything I say as an attack. This made it very difficult for me to tell her when she had done something that upset me. There were also a lot of other minor behaviours which I now realise are things which typically come with ASD, and there was the additional factor of differing libidos, but she said that was partly due to her losing attraction to me towards the end.
I have been trying to work on myself and improve and have made good strides towards being less lazy (I have gone back to my home country for a bit so we have had some space). I think maybe if we were to get back together we could potentially go see a couples therapist as I discovered there are those who specialise in ASD + non-ASD relationships. She cannot afford a therapist by herself (I see one every now and then). I'm just really conflicted and trying to follow my heart and not worry about the future, but half the time I think I would love to work on these things with her and that it will be wonderful if we get back together, the other half I'm worried about if I'm committing myself to something where I might not be happy if the issues stay just as bad and that I can't expect her to change. I think she also has quite a bit of childhood trauma from her family leading her to not having many examples of positive relationships in her life. Does anyone have experience with a similar situation and how it turned out?
Not entirely dissimilar from something I feel for someone, from the other perspective: I'm the autistic one.
Sounds to me like there's a lot of love there, but your depression and her undiagnosed ASD have caused problems.
I'd say if the love is there....go for it, but go really, really, really sloooowly.
Things will be different for her now she knows she's on the Spectrum. Her own understanding of herself will be deepening. She'll be realising why some aspects of relating to others is hard. She'll be realising that there are areas where can't adapt, because that's her and that there are ways in which she can.
Meanwhile, yes, it was and is important for you to look after you and you sound as though you are feeling somewhat better, but you too are enthusiastically learning about her autism, which is great, and can maybe see where you want to work around it, just accept it or give her a break and let her deal with it or proactively support with the difficulties.
This is really new for both of you. Explore carefully. But hey! Sounds like there's hope.
Do remember to be verbally explicit in your intentions and affections though, she can't second guess you or read between the lines. Good luck