Published on 12, July, 2020
I was diagnosed with autism at 41 years old, just over 2 years ago and just before I had my son as a first time mum. The diagnosis has been very positive and a huge help in a lifetime of struggle. However having my son and covid has meant I have only more recently started to have headspace to try and process the diagnosis and find better strategies
There is loads I could talk about here but one of the hardest things for me is being a parent and I'm really interested to hear fro other parents with high functioning autism or aspergers on how you feel and manage
For me caring for another person who is so dependent on me is so hard. I love my son and I know I am a good parent to him but it takes everything out of me to put his needs first when really I only want to think about myself. I am constantly exhausted and think about about what my life was like when I didn't have this responsibility. Granted many parents feel this way but it's definitely worse because of my autism. My partner shares the same parenting fatigue but not the feelings about being oppressed and put upon and I have become depressed
What do other people do to cope?
I was diagnosed recently at 46. I have two "children", although my eldest was 22 and my youngest 9, when I found out. I was always aware that I parented like a robot! Going through the motions, doing the right thing, saying the right thing, offering advice and words of encouragement. Even saying how proud I was at trivial achievements and saying "I love you" when it seemed appropriate. I lived alone for four out of the first 6 years of her life, and assumed some of it was because I felt in competition with her mother.
However, it all came from an intellectual place, not from feelings. I acted very much on instinct. Things I'd seen friends parents do, watched on TV etc. At the time I put this down to the fact my own parents were so useless and I therefore had no natural role model, and I guess part of that is still true. Now though, with my second, I still follow that behaviour. Copying and mimicking her Mum (my partner) and very much fudging my way through. It's like extreme masking.
Interestingly, my therapist at the time I was diagnosed said it was fine to act the way I did. Suggesting, that throughout life we all use the tools with have to help us and get us through various situations. My eldest, now nearly 24, is happy, settled and lives with her boyfriend. So on the face of it it seems I did a good job.
Hello,
I'm new to this! So please bare with me.
I have a daughter with autism, aged 4. And just recently she has been a nightmare with saying she can't have or do something she want to do. The tantrums are so bad at the moment. She hits her self not hard) and screams and shouts and crying nothing calms her till she gets what she wants. I'm struggling I need help and I don't know where to go with it all. i am a full time working mum and im exhausted.
If anyone had advice please reply.
Kaylie x
I was given a few really good pieces of advice when I became a mum. One was to take one day a week off for myself. Go to a gallery, get coffee, go to the library, a yoga class - it doesn't matter. Delegate one day for a set amount of time and leave even if you've nothing planned. I wasn't always able to stick to it, but I did end up co-parenting as his father and I split when he was 3. I ended up with a little more time off than I would've preferred, but I do see the wisdom in it.
Phew! Well, I raised a kid all alone without ever even realising I was autistic and I survived, as did my lovely son, if that's any help. Even if I did all too frequently burn his dinner 'cos I was too busy reading while it was in the oven, lol.
And yep, out of love I did it all, but I so recognise what you are feeling. It's hard when you are on the verge of burn out or dealing with the stressors that bounce off others yet have to function for your kid. You've got a partner in the frame there though. Talk. You need to negotiate some time for the special interests, R&R etc that will keep you going for all your sakes.
Good news is, they grow up in the end. Bless you. Good luck.
Hi there. What things do you find difficult? For me it's a lot about having to always put someone first who totally relies on you, and never having my own space. Granted my son is 2 and full on toddler and I'm hoping some if the particular challenges will ease as he gets more independent however I didn't expect parenting to make me feel this way. I stupidly thought having a baby would help me feel more 'normal'! That was before my diagnosis.
Do you get much time to yourself? I do think that's important although I think bigger picture it's still about having to find ways day to day to cope
One daughter ahed 12..i struggle like all hell now ive lost plot
Hi,
I like you have autism but i have 2 young children.
I can relate to how you feel.
Unfortunately I dont really have any help, i am also finding things hard but here to chat if you need to x