• Replies 8 replies
  • Subscribers 83 subscribers
  • Views 1146 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Advice needed please

Debbiedoo

Hi, my daughter is 14 and had her assessment in February with Paeds. He said she had all traits of ASD apart from she has good eye to eye contact and advance in using hands when talking. He said she needed to see psychologist before a formal diagnosis could be given and it’s a 6 month waiting list, but referred me to this website for help in meantime. 

I’d always had my worries as she’s grown up, but when she hit puberty 2 years ago it all came to the surface, I presume due to hormonal changes.

so far we seem to be handling things well, her eating atm though is driving me mad and I could do with some advice if possible please?

she’s always been a picky eater and preferred beige foods like chicken nuggets no chips etc… however as she’s gotten older and teenager she hardly likes anything which is causing a lot of problems at home. One min she likes something like mozzarella cheese toastie and 2 days later or a week later she’s gone off of it, I literally cannot keep up.

anyway it all came to a head tonight when I tried speaking to her about it as didn’t know what to make her for dinner and  she got abit mean and said she likes food in restaurants because a chef cooks it and I can’t cook anything nice and clearly don’t know how to use an oven…when I told her I was upset by wht she’d said she just said “sometimes the truth hurts mum”.

I have absolutely no idea what to do regarding her eating as even he doesn’t know what she wants to eat at home, the worst part is I’m not a bad cook at all, but I’m definitely not a trained chef and her will be. 

The way she s;oke to me wasn’t acceptable whatsoever and I tried to talk to her to explain why, but he said she didn’t understand what she had done so wrong and was just being truthful…how do I get her to understand??? 

she hasn’t been formally diagnosed yet and sometimes I feel so out of my depth and never know whether we’re actually handling things right or not? 

Parents

  • Regarding the food, ask what she prefers, or just make whatever you like, and see if she’ll try it. Or simply just keep it beige and bland! Sometimes we like to eat the same things over and until until we don’t. I can imagine it is frustrating for you if you are the main cook. Can she help in the kitchen? Maybe she’ll eat something she has prepared? Just don’t force the issue. She will eat when she wants to, and won’t go hungry.

    Try not to be hard in her, she wasn’t being mean. She spoke the truth-as far as she is concerned. Autists tend to tell it like it is. This will improve as she gets older, and learns what’s not appropriate etc. And at least you know why she is so brutally honest, so that should ease your mind in knowing that is isn’t down to bad behaviour.

  • in reply to Catlover

    Thank you for replying catlover, it’s appreciated more than you know. 

    I’ve tried asking wht she prefers and she just says dunno, I’ve tried just making and it results in a meltdown and anger where I get accused of starving her. 
    beige no bland is great in theory but she won’t eat pasta, rice, potatoes ( only mashed and only if I’ve managed to get every single lump out )  like you say she’ll eat something shelikes til she’s fed up of it and then won’t have it again and then tells me it’s my fault for giving her it repeatedly. She refuses majority of the time to help me cook, Im a housewife and she just throws that at me and says she shouldn’t need to help as that’s my job and I don’t work to do stuff like that, she has school whilst I’m at home all day…just feel so low and lost today….it’s a constant battle, I dread food shopping and cooking evening meals now.

    I know she wasn’t being mean on purpose, but it’s jut so hard to be constantly put down all the time, she’ll literally sit at every meal and grade my efforts out of 1-10 and go into great detail about what I’ve done wrong on that meal. In her head I think she’s trying to be helpful for next time,  but after nearly 2 years it’s wearing thin. But min you say anything to her about something she doesn’t like you saying, she accuses you of bullying her. I can’t win and it’s tiring me out everyday. 

  • in reply to Debbiedoo

    While food sensitivities are quite common in autistic people the amount of abuse your daughter is giving you is not. I would not consider grading the quality of meals as honesty, it is just abuse and ingratitude. I am autistic and have an autistic daughter, who has always been picky with food. She sometimes has food issues that arise while she is eating, and sometimes cannot finish meals; but when this occurs, she apologises and says that it isn't the food, it is her. Although autistics cannot always pick up on social cues, most autistics, if it is pointed out plainly that we have hurt someone's feelings, will apologise and try to modify our behaviour. Personally, I would tell her to stop grading meals as it is hurtful and if she will not, start grading things that she does, such as homework etc. At the very least she will be able to appreciate being on the receiving end of unwarranted criticism.

Reply
  • in reply to Debbiedoo

    While food sensitivities are quite common in autistic people the amount of abuse your daughter is giving you is not. I would not consider grading the quality of meals as honesty, it is just abuse and ingratitude. I am autistic and have an autistic daughter, who has always been picky with food. She sometimes has food issues that arise while she is eating, and sometimes cannot finish meals; but when this occurs, she apologises and says that it isn't the food, it is her. Although autistics cannot always pick up on social cues, most autistics, if it is pointed out plainly that we have hurt someone's feelings, will apologise and try to modify our behaviour. Personally, I would tell her to stop grading meals as it is hurtful and if she will not, start grading things that she does, such as homework etc. At the very least she will be able to appreciate being on the receiving end of unwarranted criticism.

Children
  • in reply to Martin

    Thanks Martin, we have tried this a few times and she ends up getting upset and accuses us of bullying her. She just doesn’t seem to grasp that what she is saying is hurtful, what she says to me is honesty, but what we say to her is just apparently dead mean and bullying. It’s like she can’t link the two together and it doesn’t matter how many times you try and explain it to her, she just doesn’t understand. I’m hoping it’s an age thing and as she matures, she’ll start to see what we’re trying to teach her. It was picked up in her assessment that she doesn’t understand relationships and social situations and lacks empathy, school are meant to be giving her relationship lessons, but not heard when they’ll be starting yet. She sounds really mean on this message but she’s actually a lovely girl with a loving personality, but she does have this side to her atm which I’m hoping disappears as puberty does.