Published on 12, July, 2020
Does anyone understand how humans work? I have no idea. I honestly feel like I have more in common with ducks and hippos than humans, I can understand their behaviour and relate to them better. I feed the ducks every day and I get on great with them. I visit the zoo alot and the male hippo there recognises me and greets me
I don't understand humans, they seem so cruel and unkind and no matter how much I wrack my brains I don't understand why. Learning to interact with them feels very like learning a foreign language. There are all sorts of things I'm apparently not supposed to do that seem perfectly logical to me to do and so many things I am supposed to do that make no sense at all. I don't understand the things that seem to matter to them either. Navigating social situations with them and the dos and don'ts of that is terrifying, stressful and confusing but I have to do it everyday to hold down a job.
I also wonder if it is a nationality thing? When I meet people from other countries I seem to be able to get on with them a bit more often and have a bit more of a connection with them but I don't know if that's just my imagination.
My special interest is Germany, football, music, food and culture. I feel happy when I'm doing German stuff. My other special interest is cricket, that seems to make me feel calm and peaceful
I don't want to stop working completely cos I need to busy for my mental health and I want to go out and play sports and see people and not be isolated but wow they are confusing
Adults are not genuine to themselves, and taught not to be, so all the socializing has complex layers of formality, expectations, agendas, unspoken rules. It's like navigating a mine field.
Like today, it was such a nightmare dealing with people, that I just wished that I didn't exist. It was just a day of dealing with a lot of difficult situations, while my health is suffering, and it was just chaos. I had to do medical tests that required me to talk to people, a package I ordered was not delivered so I had to contact the delivery people, my manager was frustrated because I called in sick so I called them back so that we could talk, my partner was frustrated because I repaired something of theirs so they got upset because they didn't want me to waste my time repairing it, and then they messed up the house in their frustration. It was just such a lousy day that I just want to hide forever and never come back out.
I’m sorry ‘Hippo….’ - that sounds like a horrible day. I had a load of incredibly frustrating problems today problems today - one thing after another after another - I ended up pacing the room with anxiety and frustration. I sometimes feel like I want to hide. Sometimes I feel id like to take some kind of tablet that lets me sleep for a whole month none stop so I can have a proper rest from everything. If I didn’t have my husband and son living with me I don’t think I could cope.
I can really understand that. My day was very similar. Ihave been navigating so many confusing and stressful situations at work with people today, all while being quite physically unwell. I feel like people have agendas and want to play games and I was just born without an agenda. I feel like im navigating a minefield, just like you said
You are so right about adults being taught not to be genuine to themselves, that makes so much sense. Maybe thats why they are the way they are?