Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I’m a 36 year old female and I was diagnosed with ASD earlier this week after 3 years on the waiting list. I strongly suspected that I was autistic and recognise how lucky I am to have received a formal diagnosis - I thought the diagnosis would come as a huge relief, but I’m really struggling!
The thing I’m struggling with the most is feeling like a fraud or as though my masking and ‘acting’ for all these years has misled people into not seeing the ‘real’ me. On the outside I appear to be coping with life; I’m married, own a house and have a full time job. However, I’m also very good at covering up just how much I struggle to cope on a day to day basis. I think this is a lot of the reason why I have struggled with my mental health and depression/exhaustion over the years. I have spent my whole life researching and learning to try and act like others, and the person completing my assessment commented on how highly I scored on a Camoflaging assessment. I’ve been given the “but you don’t seem autistic” line a few times now and I’m a bit concerned that my work now don’t quite know how to view me and that they’re not sure who the ‘real’ me is anymore.
Did anyone else feel like this following a late diagnosis, or did anyone else experience any unexpected feelings following their diagnosis? I would love to connect online with others who were diagnosed as adults, even if we only message occasionally ️
Hi there I too was diagnosed later at 41 (2 years ago) and much of what you write and the replies you have already got really resonate. I've spent a lifetime struggling and finally understand the reason for much of the struggle which came as a huge relief however alas the struggle is still very much there. But the diagnosis has helped me start to unpick the issues I have and (very) slowly try and find some strategies. I got my diagnosis just as covid hit and just before I gave birth to my son as a first time parent so what then happened was for the next year or 18 months I kind of put the diagnosis and working through the impact to one side as so much else in my world had changed I had no space left for it.
I've so much I could say but don't want to write an essay! I really relate to the feelings described about thinking you are not autistic enough as the making and strategies I have learned sometimes make me feel almost 'normal' and often I know I mask so well people have mo idea of the true struggle and inner turmoil. And that's the other resonance it's then those days where you're having a complete meltdown about attending a work training session or obsessively reading all about norovirus when your toddler passes it on to you then you go yep there I am.
I'm really keen yo reach out to other adults with similar experiences particularly with a later diagnosis and who are high functioning masking experts etc as I'm trying ready hard to give ways to manage the fall out of living with aspergers better so I can be happier and less anxious and there is less impact on my partner who is extremely long suffering.
I would welcome connecting with anyone with kids and understand how parenthood has affected them for me it's been a huge challenge not just because it always is but definitely because of my autism which I'm still struggling with a lot