Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I’m a 36 year old female and I was diagnosed with ASD earlier this week after 3 years on the waiting list. I strongly suspected that I was autistic and recognise how lucky I am to have received a formal diagnosis - I thought the diagnosis would come as a huge relief, but I’m really struggling!
The thing I’m struggling with the most is feeling like a fraud or as though my masking and ‘acting’ for all these years has misled people into not seeing the ‘real’ me. On the outside I appear to be coping with life; I’m married, own a house and have a full time job. However, I’m also very good at covering up just how much I struggle to cope on a day to day basis. I think this is a lot of the reason why I have struggled with my mental health and depression/exhaustion over the years. I have spent my whole life researching and learning to try and act like others, and the person completing my assessment commented on how highly I scored on a Camoflaging assessment. I’ve been given the “but you don’t seem autistic” line a few times now and I’m a bit concerned that my work now don’t quite know how to view me and that they’re not sure who the ‘real’ me is anymore.
Did anyone else feel like this following a late diagnosis, or did anyone else experience any unexpected feelings following their diagnosis? I would love to connect online with others who were diagnosed as adults, even if we only message occasionally ️
Hi.
I signed up for the forum mainly so I could reach out to you.
I'm so sorry that I can't actually help you but I just wanted to reassure you that you are not the only one experiencing the things you mentioned.
I am in very similar position. So much so that I had to scroll back up to make sure I hadn't written it myself and then forgotten.
(That actually did happen once on Youtube. I read a comment I had made a couple of years before and I was like "WOW... this guy... I do that exact thing...WTF that's my favourite too."
Right. Where was I?
OK. Diagnosed at the age of 47 or 48.
I don't have the social skills or attractiveness to have a partner or kids.
Dogs like me.
I like dogs.
Dogs like to lick my knees for too long than I am comfortable with.
I have never licked a dogs leg.
SORRY. Why am I talking about dogs?
I can connect with them in ways I can't explain.
I totally understand what you are saying about feeling a fraud.
I don't think that my work believe that I am on the spectrum.
Since I told them, they have made some very inappropriate comments and I am continually made to do tasks I am uncomfortable with.
I would like to think that they think that it's there way of treating me normally.
But it's also crossed my mind that they are trying to force me to leave.
I can't really blame anyone for thinking I am not on the spectrum because up until my diagnosis I thought I probably wasn't. In fact. right up until the end of the first assessment period, I believed categorically that I wasn't.
When people tell you that you "don't look like you have autism", usually, they aren't trying to belittle you. It's their way of normalising you, so that (they think) you will feel less isolated.
For many people, their only reference point is Raymond from the film "Rainman"
To them, that's what autism looks like.
So, try not to be too hard on people. Most people don't know how to react. Consider how you might react if a friend/colleague told you they were x or y.... x and y being conditions you didnt know a great deal about.
I'm trying and failing miserably not to hijack your post by talking about my situation (and I do intend to write my own introduction thread) but I am attempting to demonstrate that you are not alone.
To (finally) answer your question:
Immediately following my diagnosis I felt a huge sense of relief. To use a cliche, like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I mentioned that I thought I wasnt on the spectrum but I have, as long as I can remember, felt like an outsider. Like I didn't really belong where I was. As if I was different to the other people but I never really knew why I felt that way.
So it was a kind of "Aaaaah, so that's why I have always felt unusual".
The relief disappeared after a few weeks. Following my diagnosis I was told that I would recieve a "full support package". What I actually recieved was a leaflet about self harm.
Apparently self harm is harmful.
My diagnosis came in January 2020, 6 weeks before the first covid lockdown.
So that full support package never happened and I was left to deal with it all on my own.
What was pre-covid uncertainly, quickly became complete alienation.
The half a dozen friends I told about my diagnosis, stopped contacting me (I expect, due to not knowing what to say)
I'm hoping things are going to get better.
If you or anyone wants to play a couple of mood enhancing songs then try
https://youtu.be/ljjWeHmeVE8
SKIP to about 2 mins into the video above
And also....
https://youtu.be/qcous9aiaP8
An