Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I’m a 36 year old female and I was diagnosed with ASD earlier this week after 3 years on the waiting list. I strongly suspected that I was autistic and recognise how lucky I am to have received a formal diagnosis - I thought the diagnosis would come as a huge relief, but I’m really struggling!
The thing I’m struggling with the most is feeling like a fraud or as though my masking and ‘acting’ for all these years has misled people into not seeing the ‘real’ me. On the outside I appear to be coping with life; I’m married, own a house and have a full time job. However, I’m also very good at covering up just how much I struggle to cope on a day to day basis. I think this is a lot of the reason why I have struggled with my mental health and depression/exhaustion over the years. I have spent my whole life researching and learning to try and act like others, and the person completing my assessment commented on how highly I scored on a Camoflaging assessment. I’ve been given the “but you don’t seem autistic” line a few times now and I’m a bit concerned that my work now don’t quite know how to view me and that they’re not sure who the ‘real’ me is anymore.
Did anyone else feel like this following a late diagnosis, or did anyone else experience any unexpected feelings following their diagnosis? I would love to connect online with others who were diagnosed as adults, even if we only message occasionally ️
Congratulations on your diagnosis! Wish I'd been ONLY 36 when I got mine, lol.
As for the rest, don't worry. Process slowly.
You aren't a fraud. You learned alternative strategies. Actually, that masking business was the hardest concept for me to wrap my head around. It sound so disingenuous, doesn't it? But it's not. It's just a different way of doing what others do because you've had no choice but to do life by NT rules.
But, whay hey! Once we know, there IS real choice. We can now mask when we please (can come at an anxiety cost) or shove the mask in the bin.
I'm slowly dissecting my mask and choosing all the time. Yes, I'll force a smile and talk about the weather to the old lady at the bus stop. I might think the conversation is pointless, but I might be only soul she spoke to today. Other times, I've taken to ditching it. I don't pretend to get jokes when I don't for instance, except now instead of me asking my friends why it's funny, I just think 'ok, it's an NT thing's, and say 'K, let me know went comedy act is over'...and so on.
As for the 'you don't seem autistic' line...well, I'm sure I don't in some context. Put me in a medical environment though and there 50% chance of a melt down/shut down. Folks just don't understand, but you could educate them.
Good luck moving forward and we are always here.