Where to start?
I am 39 years old. I'm struggling. I've been in and out of mental health services since I was 15. Diagnosed with anxiety, depression, OCD, eating disorders....
Autism has never even crossed my mind, other than when my husband has joked around at certain times, saying that I'm probably autistic due to how I am.
Only recently have I actually sat down and actually started thinking about this. I've researched and researched, for alot of time, and taken online tests.
I now really am starting to think that this has been what has been different about me my whole life. I've always wondered why everything in life is such a struggle for me. Everything!! I feel even simple day to day life is a struggle. And I'm now burnt out! I can't go on like this and I need to know what to do.
I've been a full time mum for 12 years. I've just started working and it's so hard. I can't seem to cope. My husband doesn't get it. He thinks I'm lazy.
My kind is going ten to the dozen every second I'm awake.
When I think back to how I was as a child, there were so many traits there.
I'm so socially awkward. I have social anxiety. I didn't leave my house for three years as a teenager. They said I was agrophobia. I was very intelligent. They said I was shy. I cried when my mum left me. I hate eye contact but I'm obviously amazing at masking. I pretend all day every day and by the evening, I have meltdowns.
I am so sensitive tk noise. The sound of my children talking and shouting constantly is like a physical pain. Being climbed on and touched etc by them, is too much for me. As a child I couldn't wear clothes that felt wrong on me. I'd roll around the floor, crying and screaming.
I have usual interests but the difference is that if I'm interested in something, I'll research it continuously. I'll be fully absorbed and not want to talk about anything else.
I act like I am empathetic but really I can't really put myself in others shoes,.... I'm too absorbed with what's going on in my own mind.
I'm very serious. I don't like jokes.
I have twirled my hair since I was a child. I spend most of my day doing it. It calms me down.
I live in my own world. As a child all I ever did was live inside my own imagination. I had imaginary friends.
I mimic others. I pick up on the f gestures and sayings and then I start doing them.
I can't live without routines. They saud I had pnd after my children but now I'm thinking it was just because I couldn't stand not being in a routine or deal with the change. I can't cope with any kind of change at all.
I've always felt like a loner even though it appears I have lots of friends. If I do anything socially, I feel exhausted.
I don't know where tk go from here but I can't keep living like this.
