Looking for people to connect with

Thank you. Your first paragraph in particular resonates with me. I think until now, I (and everyone else) assumed this was down to depression/low self-esteem. But these can themselves be connected with autistic struggles. Thank you for helping me articulate that in this context.

I hope you find sources of healing for the painful relational experiences you’ve gone through. It can be really painful, and it’s a struggle I know many of us on the spectrum share. So we’re not alone, and we have each other’s solidarity.

In the case of the specific friendship difficulties I’m experiencing right now, both the other people are either diagnosed or have many autistic traits. So unless I’m a spectrum imposter, I don’t think it can be a double empathy thing. It’s just so hard to know what if anything I did wrong to trigger a rift, and how/whether the connection can be repaired. I’m not prepared to let go, but I also can’t imagine having the kind of closeness I crave right now.

Hope some of that makes sense. Apologies for being self-absorbed

Sorry to hear that you are still having a tough time. I hope things get better for you soon.

I suffer performance anxiety too. My teacher is the only person who hears me play (through necessity). Other than that I just play for myself.

Yes. Whilst it’s good to be positive about Autism being autistic makes life very challenging sometimes. Myself and my son are seriously struggling too right now, every day feels like hard work to get through at the moment.  ‘Be kind to yourself and heal’ - this is what to focus on if possible. It’s not easy, but hopefully we will get there. x 

Shame your confidence was knocked, that tends to be autistic life though - anxiety and difficulties mean your brain isn't focusing fully on success, and mistakes can happen and that dents us, and if you keep feeling dented you get to bad place.  Even successes can be painful and not really feel like success.

I've had to learn to manage anxiety, it was probably present through childhood onwards but had no idea what is was or could describe it to anyone.  Its only in the last few years I've worked on it, and using mindfulness and a CBT self-help book i've more recently developed better thinking and its gone away.  Not life changing, still autistic, but confident with that and moving forward.

Painful friendships/relationships can need time to recover from, and distractions like music and thinking better can help, so be kind to yourself and heal.  I'm in that place, others here also.

Hi, I bought Arbos by Arvo Part and loved it.  I also like Mahler a lot too.  It would be nice if we could get a zoom group together to share experiences of being Autistic.  Is anyone interested?

I haven't shared my music yet, always been a private/personal thing and just messing/learning really.

I've not been able to focus well on it for a long time so that hasn't helped, but better able to recently so returning to.  I was also having to use free software and sounds modules that came with it, so that limits what you can do and how good the instruments can be.  I paid to unlock my music package, and found a synth module I could pay by instalments otherwise and that really helped, now the only barrier is me organising and focusing myself so I'm now trying out ideas and the synth module and a goal is put a complete song together and share it.

Hi, thank you very much for your reply. Lovely to hear about your recorder playing! I stopped because of a combination of performance anxiety and experiences that knocked my confidence.

Still pretty lonely - had some painful friendship situations recently so it may persist for a while. Thank you, a chat would be nice :)

I haven't heard of her, I'll take a look. Thank you!

Hi I love to listen to recorder, and Handel as well

There is that young recorder player Lucie Horsch, I would say the best recorder player I have ever heard www.youtube.com/watch

Hi sphynx, I see you posted this a few days ago so I hope you are feeling better.  You used to play recorder.  I am also a recorder player, it is a lovely instrument.  I mainly play music by Handel, Telemann, Loeillet and Hotteterre.  Why did you stop playing?  Happy to chat!

Aw thank you! As mentioned earlier in this thread, I don’t have recordings of my recent work yet, but when I do (hopefully in the next month or so) I will try to find a way to share them here without revealing my name, just to be cautious about the forum’s rules. Thank you for your interest! Do you have a musical practice?

It’s cool to hear you’ve made electronic music! Do you share it anywhere?

Thank you, it’s good to know that my ideas make sense to someone outside my head who isn’t my supervisor :)

im interested in your music

I'm not deeply into Buddhism, just explored it a bit and it made good sense, aim to be at one with yourself and the world.   Being grounded in the physical world makes sense to me more than worshipping something that's not tangible to me.

I have dabbled with different types of electronic music from back in the 1990s but at the moment prefer deep house and melodic house, so enjoying listen to whats out there an see what comes up.  On good days I can get ideas playing in my head, or get a favourite song going for bit though not all the way through.

Ethical listening, that's deep.  Mindfulness is good for really listening, no thoughts judging and reacting to sounds. You have gone deeper, and wider, than that but makes sense.

Hi, thank you for your reply!

I definitely see what you mean about Buddhism. When I first came across it, it seemed to articulate beautifully and precisely my entire worldview, in a way nothing and no-one had before. It's so logical depending on how you read some of the teachings around deities and rebirth, (I read t as metaphor) but even if you read them literally it makes framework.ense within its ownframework. 

How cool that you compose electronic music! I know what you mean about struggling to get through a piece. My problem is usually starting... For me the process issuapark by a conceptual idea, (something ecological, something from Buddhism, a poem...) or a musical idea, (a chord or chord cycle, a soundworld...) And then I somehow work from there. It's hard to describe it clearly, mostly because it can vary widely from piece to piece. How would you describe your electronic music? I'm sorry your teacher was so classically-focused, that can be frustrating. Even though my work is contemporary classical, I can't help feeling that a more diverse music education would have made me a more well-rounded musician and human.

A couple of my poems have been published, but mostly at the moment I just share it with whoever is interested. I've put a collection together, which was a nice project to work on :)

Listening — I have this concept of Ethical Listening, which basically suggests that if we can form a relationship with sound on an Ethical Listening basis, this will filter through into our other relationships, and so holds the potential for a more compassionate world. It involves things like hearing sound (including sound in our own mind, as when reading or remembering sound) as a subject, something with agency, with its own rights, needs, and desires. Also shifting our relationship from one of wanting to reduce sound to one meaning, or wanting to acquire or appropriate it, to one of loving desire, of wanting to protect and preserve both the sound and its source. If that makes any sense?!  

Nice. I love Bach's chorales — even though many music students complain about having to pastiche them, they're really gorgeous in their concision, and their brilliant combination of simplicity and intricacy. The one at end of the St John Passion is very special. Slightly different but not entirely dissimilar to hearing the voice of God, it's abreaching Heaven and hearing angels sing. Guess there's always going to be lots of that in the work of a deeply devoted religious beleaever. But as discussed elsewhere in this thread, there's something very beautiful about that too, I think, even as someone who doesn't connect with those kinds of belief systems 

Thank you so much for all this detail.

I love Tess of the d'Urbervilles, but haven't read any other Hardy novels. I need to fix that! I've enjoyed some of the Bronte books I've read — Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights... I haven't read the contemporary books you mention, but have heard of Alias Grace and Wide Sargasso Sea.  I will have an explore, thank you :) I'm always looking for reading recommendations! 

I'm so sorry to hear you've had a tough few years. I hope you're finding sources of support. Given it's been a hard time, I respect your desire to be wary of going too deep into darker literature. I would suggest in that case to take lot of care with A Little Life, it's devastating, albeit beautiful.

I love Gregorian chant too! I resonate with what you say about appreciating religious music without necessarily wanting to engage in traditional spiritual practice yourself. Something about the passion and devotion in that music is deeply moving and meaningfulto me.

I realise I forgot to reply to what you shared about your previous interest in Buddhism and Tibetan spiritual practice. I first came across Buddhism in an RE lesson when I was 12, and was quite deeply absorbed in it for eight years or so after that. It gave me a lot, not least through inspiring much of my creative and some of my academic work. I hope I'll be able to return to it at some point, even if in a slightly different form. Was there something in particular that drew you to studying these practices, or something that struck you in what the Dalai Lama said?

Your passion for Mahler is wonderful to read about, thank you for sharing. Do you have a favourite symphony? 

Hi,

Interesting mix of interests.  Buddhism: almost as if invented by an autistic.  How do you do your composing?  I've messed with composing of electronic music, but have difficulties putting a whole piece of music together.  Trying to get back into though.  I had forgotten until recently that I had done GCSE Music and the teacher taught us everything from a classical music viewpoint, not sure he was supposed to mind.

Worthy and gritty poetry themes, are these published or just for personal interest?

Listening and potential impacts, in what context?  I hear pins drop, but miss people talking to me - autism, what can you do.

but my favourite piece is 'Zion hört die Wächter singen' part of Bach's 'Wachet auf'

though more for beautiful instrumental music then choral singing 

but lyrics has it's charm too: a madman who claims to have heard god's voice LOL

Ah - I see! No wonder I was a bit confused!  I will investigate the two books - I’m always looking for good recommendations. I was quite obsessive about the Brontes when I was younger (and still am really), and also really liked Thomas Hardy. I also like contemporary novels that art set in the Victorian era - such as The Crimson Petal and the White, and Alias Grace. I love Wide Sargasso Sea too.
 I think I was entranced when I was younger with all the tragic female heroines - but now I’ve experienced life a bit more I’m a bit less keen on the tragedy! I’ve had a tough couple of years and at the moment I’m not wanting to delve into darker aspects of life - I’m looking for something more uplifting and escapist. 
I really like Arvo Part and Tavener. I like music that has a very spiritual feel to it - although I don’t follow any conventional form of religion I really love religious music. I love to hear psalms sung at Evensong. Myself and my son love Gregorian chant too. I really like Hildegard Von Bingen  as well - really beautiful. 
I went to see the Trio Bulgarka (I might be spelling that wrong!) at the Royal festival Hall in the late eighties/early nineties when I was a student - I really enjoyed hearing them live. I really miss live music. 

I was quite obsessive about Mahler years ago and travelled to Austria and visited his Composing Hut in the woods above the Worther See - and swam in the lake because he’d swam in the lake, and visited his grave. His symphonies spoke to me so much - and I still feel so connected to them.