Keeping the house tidy

Thank you this is so helpful. I am constantly firefighting with a messy house and garden, it doesn't help that all 4 of us in the house have ASD and ADHD (mum dad, 2 adult kids), but I am the only one who seems to care (although I am messy, my mental health and ability to function is strongly correlated - more mess more stress!).

I can really relate to the broom situation; I work on visual prompts, so if something isn't immediately to hand, all the steps to get it demotivates. 

You really aren't alone: I'm dyspraxic rather than autistic or ADHD, but there are a lot of overlaps and I really struggle with this myself.  Totally relate to "bad enough to be a health hazard," at that.  In my case it is mostly down to processing and short term memory problems, but I also have physical problems.  Paper lists are useless - I always just lose them or forget to check them or forget where I got to in them or something.

I personally would say, forget other people.  Think in terms of what is actually causing you problems and what you actually need.  If that includes, "space friends are comfortable in so I can socialise," that is totally different from, "I have to keep this tidy because otherwise people will react negatively."

Having a diagnosis may help with that side of things, if you are happy to be open about it, because you can say, "I have X and I'm not quite coping at the moment."  That makes sense to most people.  It is totally fine not to want to be open about it too, but you can still remember that if they knew, they would get it!  There are some plain obnoxious judgemental people out there, but I think a lot of people are just bothered by things they have no explanation for.  A diagnosis may also tell you more about what type of thing is likely to work.

Some things that helped me are:

Julie Morgenstern's books, either as a full system, or for tips.  She is really good because she doesn't tell you how to live, but how to set up your own system for your own life.  If having one plate works, have one plate!  She also has good advice for how someone can assist someone else in setting up an organising system, so if you have a friend or relative who is sympathic and might help, you can ask them to read it and follow the advice while they help you sort things out.  It is usually much easier to keep clean than to get clean.

(Asking for appropriate help is a healthy way of taking responsibility, of putting yourself back in control of something which is out of control.  Our culture is really stupid to make out that it is a weakness.  I feel like that plenty of times, and feelings are just what they are.  However, properly, delegation - working out that you aren't the right person for a particular task and need someone else to be involved in some way - is one of the highest level skills there is).

Labels.  I have the most appalling short term memory imaginable.  I generally use chalkboard labels because I feel they look like something that belongs in a home.

Positivity.  I also try to focus on everything I've managed to tidy or clean.  This then leaves me feeling that I can do it, and I am coping, and that everything will be in order soon, rather than avoiding cleaning and so forth because I feel so overwhelmed.  Not everyone will have these thought patterns, but they can be a real barrier.

Routine.  If you can schedule a reasonably reliable 10-30 minutes every day to clean something, that helps.

Analysing.  What is it your brain actually does or doesn't do, which makes it difficult?  I have a lot of trouble remembering where I am in a process, and following it through to the end.  I have even worse problems with a diffuse task which doesn't have boundaries.  Brain-wise, I can manage the washing up much better than tidying up, because tidying up is so complicated.  I am still working on this, but I'm having a certain amount of success with delinating a task carefully: I'll spend ten minutes putting everything that has a home that isn't in it away.  Is the storage difficult for you physically or mentally, and if so, what would be better?  I found my clothes got an awful lot tidier when I started using baskets and pegs, rather than wardrobe and drawers!

Clutter spaces.  I am still working on this one, because by their nature, clutter spaces tend to get cluttered and I don't keep up with sorting them out.  But designating a shelf, or a box or a cupboard, or something, where you can dump anything which you don't know what to do with that moment, to be sorted properly later, does seem to help.  (A tip adapted from Julie Morgenstern when in a total mess, is to sort, or simply put, everything you aren't using daily into boxes, to bring back some sort of order.  Then take the boxes apart one by one, which often feels less daunting because it delinates the task).

Finally, in case it is relevant and you aren't already aware - it is possible you would be entitled to PIP (an benefit system allowance to pay for help for people with health conditions etc.).

You really aren't alone: I'm dyspraxic rather than autistic or ADHD, but there are a lot of overlaps and I really struggle with this myself.  Totally relate to "bad enough to be a health hazard," at that.  In my case it is mostly down to processing and short term memory problems, but I also have physical problems.  Paper lists are useless - I always just lose them or forget to check them or forget where I got to in them or something.

I personally would say, forget other people.  Think in terms of what is actually causing you problems and what you actually need.  If that includes, "space friends are comfortable in so I can socialise," that is totally different from, "I have to keep this tidy because otherwise people will react negatively."

Having a diagnosis may help with that side of things, if you are happy to be open about it, because you can say, "I have X and I'm not quite coping at the moment."  That makes sense to most people.  It is totally fine not to want to be open about it too, but you can still remember that if they knew, they would get it!  There are some plain obnoxious judgemental people out there, but I think a lot of people are just bothered by things they have no explanation for.  A diagnosis may also tell you more about what type of thing is likely to work.

Some things that helped me are:

Julie Morgenstern's books, either as a full system, or for tips.  She is really good because she doesn't tell you how to live, but how to set up your own system for your own life.  If having one plate works, have one plate!  She also has good advice for how someone can assist someone else in setting up an organising system, so if you have a friend or relative who is sympathic and might help, you can ask them to read it and follow the advice while they help you sort things out.  It is usually much easier to keep clean than to get clean.

(Asking for appropriate help is a healthy way of taking responsibility, of putting yourself back in control of something which is out of control.  Our culture is really stupid to make out that it is a weakness.  I feel like that plenty of times, and feelings are just what they are.  However, properly, delegation - working out that you aren't the right person for a particular task and need someone else to be involved in some way - is one of the highest level skills there is).

Labels.  I have the most appalling short term memory imaginable.  I generally use chalkboard labels because I feel they look like something that belongs in a home.

Positivity.  I also try to focus on everything I've managed to tidy or clean.  This then leaves me feeling that I can do it, and I am coping, and that everything will be in order soon, rather than avoiding cleaning and so forth because I feel so overwhelmed.  Not everyone will have these thought patterns, but they can be a real barrier.

Routine.  If you can schedule a reasonably reliable 10-30 minutes every day to clean something, that helps.

Analysing.  What is it your brain actually does or doesn't do, which makes it difficult?  I have a lot of trouble remembering where I am in a process, and following it through to the end.  I have even worse problems with a diffuse task which doesn't have boundaries.  Brain-wise, I can manage the washing up much better than tidying up, because tidying up is so complicated.  I am still working on this, but I'm having a certain amount of success with delinating a task carefully: I'll spend ten minutes putting everything that has a home that isn't in it away.  Is the storage difficult for you physically or mentally, and if so, what would be better?  I found my clothes got an awful lot tidier when I started using baskets and pegs, rather than wardrobe and drawers!

Clutter spaces.  I am still working on this one, because by their nature, clutter spaces tend to get cluttered and I don't keep up with sorting them out.  But designating a shelf, or a box or a cupboard, or something, where you can dump anything which you don't know what to do with that moment, to be sorted properly later, does seem to help.  (A tip adapted from Julie Morgenstern when in a total mess, is to sort, or simply put, everything you aren't using daily into boxes, to bring back some sort of order.  Then take the boxes apart one by one, which often feels less daunting because it delinates the task).

Finally, in case it is relevant and you aren't already aware - it is possible you would be entitled to PIP (an benefit system allowance to pay for help for people with health conditions etc.).

I love this. I used to do this when I l lived in a 400-500sq ft apt. Since moving into this house 6yrs ago, it's 1,152 and impossible to keep all clean at the same time. My mom says it doesn't all have to be clean at once--but that's my preferred, so that as time goes on, it all gets dirty around the same time. I sometimes think it'd be best to sell the house & move into a 519 sq ft apt again. My husband is also neurodivergent & has trouble with all the yardwork. I've gotten out there a few times...but if you add that to my inside housework--I just GiVE UP & do the bare min lol. The only thing I've found that seems to be slightly helping...is taking a realistic look at how long everything takes. I cannot clean on a reg day when I spend 1hr doing dishes/cleaning kitchen & 1-2 loads of laundry. So, I've asked my partner to do those things on that day. If I have to clean the bathroom---I give that an entire day. I really hate cleaning....I'm good at it, but I'm a perfectionist & OCD---so usually if I'm cleaning something that day...I also have to take a shower as well. OK--rant over. I relate alot to this post---seriously.

I’ve just watched a video on YouTube by a creator callED “HOW TO ADHD” and her video called “ How to deal with clutter when you have ADHD” is really helpful you might want to check it out. 

I wish i could give you some advice, however I am EXACTLY the same!   I hope knowing that you are not alone is at least some form of solace for you.   I have to do it in small, manageable portions to be able to do it at all.

Don't be ashamed, it's a lot of work to keep things organised and it takes some figuring out to see what works for you! I actually love it when things are clean and organised- it makes me feel calm and is good for my mental health, but I am also messy/ chaotic at the same time and I have in the past ended up having a huge mess. I have realised that one of the main issues is that I have a very low tolerance for dirt and disgustingness, which makes me not want to deal with it once things do get messy/dirty or disgusting. I also have a big capacity to shut out chaos and mess as I grew up in my stepfather's house which was packed with stuff as he is a hoarder (there was often nowhere to sit, magazine piles everywhere, whole rooms filled with boxes and stuff...). 

However I have figured out that the solution for me is to never let things get messy/dirty at all, as if I do let it get that way I will really struggle to deal with it. So for example, I usually wash up either while cooking already, sometimes before eating or straight afterwards. I wipe down everything straight away after cooking. I try to washup my mugs in the evening (don't manage that one always but much better than in past when I often had 5 old mugs on my desk.). Basically I try to clean anything that I see straight away if possible. A lot of this has now become so natural to me that some of these things are now almost effortless. I think trying to build up routines is very helpful too and figuring out why you are struggling to keep things clean/organised (eg. is it because you forget? because you hate dealing with it? because things get too dirty? etc). 

I actually doing very well with cleaning things and organising things at the moment. I still don't like cleaning but I do really like the end result and when things are not very dirty to begin with, it is actually not that bad to clean and almost relaxing. I never thought I would say that, so I am confident that you will figure out what works for you! (This is coming from the person whose room during exam term at some point was so messy that when a friend saw it she was so impressed by the messiness of it that she wanted to take a picture as she found it hard to believe..., you will figure it out :)!) 

Hi - your ‘one plate’ idea really made me laugh! I can relate to your issues with this! Me, my husband and my youngest son are all autistic and we are all pretty terrible in this respect! My husband thank goodness takes on the task of washing up - which I am eternally grateful for as I hate dirty crockery and the smell of used crockery  and washing up liquid - I find it completely disgusting. We have a small house and I collect various things so we have more things in our house than we should in such a small house. Consequently it’s hard to clean and keep tidy. And anyway I find it hard to motivate myself to do it  - and then it becomes overwhelming as it becomes more of a task the longer you leave it. My youngest son is very untidy - and I cannot motivate him to tidy up his room. He is depressed though so it’s a bit of a vicious circle. I try gentle persuasion but don’t want to pressure him as he is feeling very vulnerable at the moment. And anyway I would be a hypocrite as I struggle with this too! I think your idea of picking a small area and just doing that is the best idea - so as the task doesn’t seem too overwhelming. It’s no easy though and I do empathise. My mother’s house was always immaculately clean and tidy - I’m nothing like her! However my husband’s mother was a hoarder (to an extreme degree) so at least she made me feel better that our house was a bit of an untidy mess! Sadly she died recently. I really miss her - she was a lovely person. An tidy house is not that important - being a good person is what matters.

like you we have a good clear up if someone is coming to the house - but to be honest I don’t like people coming to the house if I can avoid it! 

I don't have any stories to share, but I hope you find this video useful or relatable. In this video, two autistic people discuss strategies for tidying your house. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PcmK7c3Cjw

Please don't be hard on yourself or ashamed, tidying your house requires a lot of executive functioning and presumably takes a lot of energy. Many neurodivergent people struggle with this, it's ok to feel overwhelmed as living on your own and all the demands that come with it can be difficult to manage. I would suggest create an environment that suits your neurology and that might mean simplifying tasks such as cooking by making one pot dishes or relying on ready meals sometimes so you don't have to wash up pans.

You may benefit from using this app called Tiimo that is specifically created to support autistic and ADHD people with executive functioning.

https://www.tiimoapp.com/

I hope this video and app help.

I have trouble keeping the house tidy too. I mean I've gotten into a routine to do some stuff, but it's not great. Sometimes I just look at videos of people who love cleaning, just to prepare my mind and motivate myself to clean. 

Hello, 

I understand that housework can be overwhelming at times but I find better to have set house work days. That way, I can do it all and keep on top of it and not let it get to the point where it gets too much. Today I damp wiped all surfaces and cleaned the kitchen. If I make a mess, then I clean it up straight away. I regard cleaning as therapy, no really, I do. It allows me to switch off and daydream.       

I think that might me a good idea! Maybe seeing it tidy annd clean will spark some motivation to stay on top of it. I know that when I do actually get the place looking good it motivates me to keep it up for at least a week before I return to old habits.

I dream of owning a dishwasher! that will be the first thing I buy when I have a house with space for one!

This is incredibly helpful thankyou so much! A few of these things I do already however the bottled water is something I'd never thought of. I like the idea of a quick tidy up in the morning, I shall try that at the weekends when I dont have early starts at work. Reading this it seems like we're quite similar so hopefully these approaches will work, thankyou for taking the time to write it all! I am certain I am not the only person that will benefit from this.

Haha thats really interesting to hear as I often think if I get a bigger place I might manage better, or at least it'd look less cluttered with all the extra space. I hope you find a solution to disposing of all the binbags! Have you anyone that'd give you a lift even if just to take a couple?

Hi, thankyou for getting back to me! I have definitely noticed that I am better at the housekeeping when my mental health is good, although interestingly, I also think the mess contributes to the deterioration of mental health. I hope that you are well, we are all here to support eachother

Having autism can make a challenge to keep a home clean and tidy, and if you have ADHD then probably harder still.

If you can't afford a cleaner then do you know anyone that might be able to help?

Poor executive functioning can make it difficult to do what needs doing, and so can being in your own world and not aware.  If you have ADHD then that would probably make it more difficult.  Procrastination is also likely, you might think about doing something but then put it off until later but then not actually do it later.

I have always had difficulties when living alone as I tend to be stuck in my head and don't have someone to remind me.   I rented my first flat when 21 and it was small and quickly became cluttered, I just didn't have the thoughts needed to keep it clean and tidy.  The day I moved out was a nightmare because I had to sort my things from rubbish, load the car, and then clean - but I ran out of time and had to ask the letting agent for more time, embarrassing.  

Its still a challenge now, I just try and do things as I think about them, otherwise I forget or lose awareness.

It can help to have a planner to remind you, but then you can forget about the planner so it won't always help.

You’re not alone. 
you put my situation into words.

my family tells me to get a cleaner but I don’t want that.

recebtly I thought that I’ll get a once off clean just to see the place clean. 

I'm feeling rather envious that you have a dishwasher Cullpepper, and what a bonus that you found that dishwasher detergent. Is there an instruction manual for the dishwasher? If not, as long as you've got the make and model number, it should be easy enough to find a manual online as a free download.

I've got a dishwasher Sparkley, i don't even know how to turn it on, it was in the house when i moved in. I might look and see how it works. While i've been cleaning over the weekend, i found a bottle of liquid dishwasher detergent under the sink.  And yesterday i had a man here about putting a water meter in, he told me i'd use less water using a dishwasher, than doing the dishes in the sink,