Hi TARDISSTEVE. I'm new-ish here and won't pretend to know much about your life, but I'm sorry that you're in such pain. But what is 'cowardice' whn you are autistic? Is it being sensibly risk-averse and managing/rationing your energy to keep putting one foot in front of the other? Is it allowing yourself the space and time, and dependable routine, that will best help you cope? I don't think so, and I think that's the situation most of us here feel we are in. Needing to cope in a world unavoidably designed (at least for now) with an NT-supporting bias, but also having a duty of self-care regarding what our thresholds for meeting the NT worl halfway is.
And you're reaching out to a community and saying you need help and reassurance. That's the opposite of cowardly in my opinion. It's taking realistically-paced positive action even when you're feeling at your lowest.
Mind if I ask what age you are? If you're anywhere over 40, as I am, you're part of a generation in which many autistic people simply had to get on with it, the word never mind instances of diagnosis not being a commonly heard thing. But your parents hopefully just always accepted you as you, without needing to put a label on it. We are always our own harshest critics, so I can absolutely understand you getting into that headspace - but you don't desvere such a severe judgement, even with
