Why can’t you just be like the other children? Late diagnosed or self diagnosed adults, Can we forgive parents?

I don't really see much point in blaming my parents.  When I was a young child, there was no such thing as Asperger's/high functioning autism, so it seems pointless to blame them for not realising I had it.  Since I've been diagnosed, they've been supportive, even if they don't always "get" every aspect of my autism. (Yes, I know I'm lucky.)  There were things they said to me or made me do that were counterproductive in hindsight, like trying to pressure me to socialise on the grounds that I was just shy and that with practice and experience I would find it easier to talk to strangers and make small talk (I didn't), but, again, they couldn't have known this was not the right strategy for me.

I feel more inclined to blame the kids who bullied me at school, as they should have known better, but I think even some of those mistook my autistic withdrawal for an intentional snub and the others probably had their own issues to deal with.

Hi there. This is the first time I have reached out through this group so apologies in advance if I ramble. I wanted to reach out to you as you have been through what my son is going through and as a mum, I am struggling too. My son turns 18 in a couple of weeks. A very happy bright young man who went to an idyllic local primary school, I would weekly visit the school to speak to the teachers to check he was ok. He was never invited to parties or invited around other children's homes after school to play. He was doing well in class and the school always assured me that everyone loves Archie, he has lots of friends but no one special friend group. He achieved academically so no red flags for the school. High school came: he stopped going out, became withdrawn. The school assured me he is achieving and happy. He befriended a young lad who has also been diagnosed with ASD just recently. That friendship ended in school because of bullying. When I found out how bad the bullying was, I removed him from the school. He moved to a private school which was a train journey away and it was chosen purely on its pastoral care, where I knew he would be safe and looked after. County Lines grabbed him on the train journey and before we knew it, he was groomed for money mule'ing'. The police found him and they actually suggested that we have him assessed due to his reaction to a traumatic event. He was 14 then. School was tough and he started to smoke weed each day. He had a diagnosis of ASD and ADHD just after sitting his Moc exams, just before lockdown. He wanted to do A Levels and the college accepted him, due to his diagnosis he could attend college when everyone else didnt have to. I stupidly thought that was a fantastic thing but have now realise this only made him feel different from everyone else. Fast forward. He left college as could not cope with the stress of daily tasks and he increased his drug use. He was now being used by others to do their dirty work and he thought they were his friends. I have been in constant touch with the police, children's charity, drug groups and the paediatric team at the hospital and a local Autism Anglia, where he received his diagnosis. Today: he does an apprenticeship scheme for a company owned by a friend. Daily life is a struggle, he wont get up, wont use email, will not answer the phone, doesn't sleep, he is angry. He will not accept his diagnosis and whilst I thought I was doing the right thing - I feel I have let him down at each stage. I can attend all manner of of support groups to support and guide him, he will not acknowledge his diagnosis and he is struggling, on top of that, he is an 18 year old in a world of demands on him.

Reading all of these posts, I wonder; do I not continuously nag to get up in the morning, have a shower, brush teeth, go to work, study for the apprenticeship scheme, understand money or do I stop. In which case we have drugs to contend with and that feeling that he always has of feeling useless.

Obviously I am not asking for a miracle answer but if anything. Something here may resonate with you having experienced growing up with supportive parents. I have a young man who has a kind heart, who is very much struggling to know who he is or where he belongs and he comes across as if he is the font of all knowledge and will not listen to advice. He is very misunderstood but it is also hard to understand sometimes. I so want to help him but he will not speak to me.

Thank you for reading this and I hope you dont mind.

Hello Emerald, sounds to me like you are doing so much already: describing your son in such a positive way; looking for professional help; persevering even when pushed away. There are 2 things that stand out for me:

Firstly, I would get some advice on safeguarding. Villains can smell vulnerability and your son has been the victim of unscrupulous people in the past.

Secondly, I would think about how well you are looking after yourself. As parents we can find ourselves disappearing as we make our child the focus of everything. Is there a hobby you enjoy or a circle of friends you can reconnect with, where you can immerse yourself in something else or get some relief from the pressures. 

I can hear your desperation as you see your son languishing, My daughter experienced a whole range of emotional reactions to her diagnosis. She has found psychotherapy very useful in processing her trauma (as an aside CBT for her was torture, in common with many with Autism). 

I hope this is helpful, Sue

What a wonderful new interest to explore........how is your waist line doing? Feasting like a king? Sue :)

What a wonderful new interest to explore........how is your waist line doing? Feasting like a king? Sue :)