Why can’t you just be like the other children? Late diagnosed or self diagnosed adults, Can we forgive parents?

Hi, a really good question was asked earlier in the week about our earliest childhood memories. Most seemed to be how we had been taken to different events and were unable to join in. A thread that I noticed was that as late diagnosed or self diagnosed we seem unable to forgive parents for how we were treated. The usual, “ don’t show me up” or “why are you so awkward”?, the one I can still hear is, “your a strange child” these  are just a few of the instances that a lot of us endured. This was whilst we didn’t know why we couldn’t  identify with other children either. I find I just can’t forgive my remaining parent, my mother. I fully understand that no one had any knowledge of autism but I just find it very hard to forgive the verbal and sometimes physical punishments that were handed out. I actually keep contact now to a minimum. I don’t know if I’m being “out of order”  or making too much of this, I am still processing a lot of my childhood, a lot of these memories still haunt me and just find it very hard to forgive and forget.  Your thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Parents
  • It is a good question. I think that growing up with undiagnosed autism often means that your emotional needs weren't being met. So the mental health effects can be similar to people who had neglectful parents. I think that can happen even if your family situation was pretty good, and it's worse if there were other family issues as well (e.g. frequent family conflict).

    I think the majority of parents would have no idea of the effects of being constantly corrected/punished for things that you don't understand you are doing wrong. If you have older siblings, they might have been trying to bring you up 'sternly' in the same way, and not knowing why it didn't work the same. I think it's also common for emotional distress to be misunderstood, ignored or minimised, and that can grow into mental health issues that follow you around after you leave home. For example, I occasionally have major anxiety that gets triggered by a few specific childhood fears, because when I was younger my mortal terror (blank face, unable to speak) would be misunderstood as rudeness and I would be told off so then I was guilty and ashamed as well as extremely scared, and the fear would stay unresolved.

    In hindsight my parents should have known (they ignored suggestions from my teachers). My counsellor said that they were probably in denial about having a 'different' kid.

    At some points I have been angry about all this, but I'm not anymore. They didn't know what they were doing, and dwelling on it doesn't help anything. And, I do like some things about how I was brought up (I was allowed to by myself a lot and follow my interests). I am able to forgive my mum partly because she is making a big effort to be more emotionally supportive now.

  • Hello Bassface, this seems to be a very constructive take on the challenges of non-diagnosis and the value of letting go of the past. I am sure that your Mum really appreciates your recognition of the efforts she is making. Sue

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