Why can’t you just be like the other children? Late diagnosed or self diagnosed adults, Can we forgive parents?

Hi, a really good question was asked earlier in the week about our earliest childhood memories. Most seemed to be how we had been taken to different events and were unable to join in. A thread that I noticed was that as late diagnosed or self diagnosed we seem unable to forgive parents for how we were treated. The usual, “ don’t show me up” or “why are you so awkward”?, the one I can still hear is, “your a strange child” these  are just a few of the instances that a lot of us endured. This was whilst we didn’t know why we couldn’t  identify with other children either. I find I just can’t forgive my remaining parent, my mother. I fully understand that no one had any knowledge of autism but I just find it very hard to forgive the verbal and sometimes physical punishments that were handed out. I actually keep contact now to a minimum. I don’t know if I’m being “out of order”  or making too much of this, I am still processing a lot of my childhood, a lot of these memories still haunt me and just find it very hard to forgive and forget.  Your thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Parents
  • I've been very lucky, because I don't feel that my mum has done anything that needs forgiving. Ultimately she was just doing her best to raise a rather weird little girl on her own, without any knowledge of autism because it was the 90s and it was assumed that little girls who did well at their schoolwork couldn't possibly be autistic. While we did have issues with my executive dysfunction (rows over the state of my room especially!) I was never made to feel like there was anything wrong with me for being interested in odd things or not wanting to hug people.

    My teachers, on the other hand, ought to have known better than they did, particularly the ones I had at secondary school. And my dad and I are low contact because I wasn't the sociable, sporty child he was expecting to have and he's always just lacked any interest in my life as a result. Those are the people I find it hard to forgive- but as I said, I still consider myself lucky, because the person who did the most to raise me was doing her best.

  • Hello "Battybats" - I hope that is how my daughter sees me. She has described her relationship with my husband as toxic and he will opt out saying "you are so much better at this sort of thing".

    You mention not wanting to hug people..........I can recall how as a babe in arms my daughter would go stiff when others tried to touch her. I don't know why, but I used to say "a smile and a wave would be lovely, sweetpea" as people came over to say goodbye. Undiagnosed autistic, I remember dreading the call of "kiss granny goodbye". Mind you, neurodivergent or not, I have always believed that no-one should feel obligated to give affection.

    Your Mum sounds like a lovely person, Sue

Reply
  • Hello "Battybats" - I hope that is how my daughter sees me. She has described her relationship with my husband as toxic and he will opt out saying "you are so much better at this sort of thing".

    You mention not wanting to hug people..........I can recall how as a babe in arms my daughter would go stiff when others tried to touch her. I don't know why, but I used to say "a smile and a wave would be lovely, sweetpea" as people came over to say goodbye. Undiagnosed autistic, I remember dreading the call of "kiss granny goodbye". Mind you, neurodivergent or not, I have always believed that no-one should feel obligated to give affection.

    Your Mum sounds like a lovely person, Sue

Children
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