Hi, I don’t know whether you can help or not.
I think I’m autistic. I want a diagnosis to help me manage this. I’m 43. I’ve struggled all my life and as more women are speaking about their experiences, things are slotting into place me about why I’ve never fitted in, why I struggle so much at normal things, despite being “successful” in some ways (I have a PhD).
I don't know where to start. I tried to raise this with my GP (who told me I couldn’t be, because I liked going to the cinema by myself). I feel awkward, embarrassed even, to raise it again. I can lay out all the things I’m terrible at, the sensory overwhelm when dealing with people, my confusion about why people treat me so differently, why feelings grab me and take over me, and other things on paper but I don’t think I could even vocalise it if I wanted. Nothing would come out of my mouth.
It goes way back - bullied at school, didn’t understand how to dress (still don’t really, styles/colours don’t make sense), acutely sensitive to social interactions in some ways (I can read power dynamics), except those that involve me, as a child, got carried away and didn’t know how to take turns talking (I still have to work really hard at that).. I don’t know if this is stupid but I tried as many online tests as I could find - ones that looked half credible anyway. All came back strongly.
I tried opening up to friends about this, I get told that life is tough, everyone struggles, and I should try to develop my social skills - maybe I’m just hopeless. But I want to understand myself, develop strategies, help myself so I don’t have to feel so reliant on my family to plug the gaps, so I can understand.
Reading about adult female autism has given me a profound sense of recognition and relief. I just don’t know what to do now.