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Dealing with overload and relationships.

Kev N

Hi, I'm not really sure what to post here or what response I will get but I need to learn.

I was diagnosed with aspergers in the summer of 2019, during my assessment I was reassured my diagnosis would bring me a relief and understanding for a lifetime of issues brushed under many carpets, how ever it didn't. It brought a great level shame and anger from my refusal to accept it. Once I knew the reason for my need to fit in I stopped masking, It drove friends away and even family like there was a beast inside me. This didn't bother me, I learned to deal with overload, burnout and Began to segregate myself from people via routines and habits that allowed me to function in society whilst living in my own bubble and it worked. 

I've recently began to move 400 miles to be with a woman I've loved for as long as I've know her and my ability to cope has vanished. The move has completely flipped my routine, forced me to meet new people, visit new places new shops new roads new accent. Despite knowing I was heading into overload, I went to a local pub with my partner and friends, the environment, the noise, the new people innocently applying  pressure for me to move here it all got me. For the first time in over 12 months I had an overload, all my coping mechanisms went out the window, my rationality along with it, my inability to recentre myself in this new environment made me make someone I love Feel like nothing. Amidst my overload I raised my voice, I know I scared her, she told me and im struggling to forgive myself. Although change does scare me it's something I learned to accept a long time ago and I can't continue to live a bubble of solitude. 

How do I learn to cope with so much change? the feeling of having to mask all over again because I don't want her friends to see through my mask and put my shame on her too? How do I talk to her about the fine intricacies of my diagnosis when the shame it brings me triggers me. 

Now my shame stretches into hurting someone I love. I was offered next to no support once given my diagnosis and basically told where the library is. I've avoided guidance and self educating on this subject because I was able too live in ignorant bliss but I I'm unable to live without this woman in my life even if just as friends. Any guidance would be much appreciated TIA

  • It sounds very tough. I can't really offer advice, but I can relate to not wanting to mask anymore after realising that you are autistic. I am at that point right now. I also think that once you withdraw more and get less used to people, you become more and more aware of how much effort masking and social situations actually take. 

    There is no shame in being autistic. It sounds like your partner knows and loves you without your mask. If you could start talking to her maybe it would also help you let go of that shame and also help her understand the struggles you are facing (it can be hard sometimes for neurotypicals to realise how difficult things that they would not spend a second thought on, are for us)? And then you could figure out a way to move forward that prevents you from getting overwhelmed and burnt-out? 

    Also regarding researching autism etc- I have actually found reading about autism and people's experiences very helpful- Though it is in my nature to want to research and gather information (I am a scientist). I also found that learning about autism helped me see some of my own patterns and struggles- I hope that this will eventually help me better deal with these issues. 

  • Such a huge move is daunting, for anyone. Have you spoken with your partner about your issues?

    We do have a tendency to be too spontaneous for our own good. A friend of mine with Autism once booked a flight to Los Angeles, and his family had to contact a local Politician about ways to get him home.

    We do need to step out of our comfort zone, but not at the spur of the moment.