I'm currently 17 years old, I have had a few other posts on here but it's quite different than what it was back then. Also a note I have Asperger's, ADHD and a few more things.
Recently I have just felt depressed. Before I'd be angry which made me depressed but now it doesn't feel like that anymore, I have outburst sometimes but that's because I don't know how to control my emotions. The problem is that I just don't know what to do with all these built up emotions, so I keep them bottled up and at night when everyone is asleep I just sit there and well do what I'm doing now, I just write out everything bad I feel and just look at it and I just think "why does this have to happen to me" I have a few hundred word bullet-point list of everything that has happened to me and it's just ridiculous because I've never been given proper help in my life even though I have asked for years. I get told the usual "I understand what you're going through but..." it's just always the "but" at the end. When I was in school I was just basically told that there's nothing to do about it and then I left early and now I just don't know what to do with myself. I pushed people away for so long which I don't regret because being with them made me feel even more depressed and angry but now I only have one friend who barely speaks to me and it just feels so lonely. The best explanation I have for how I feel is just a hollow feeling, I feel so hollow that I feel sick but not like I will actually be sick. I've applied for a college course that sounds kind of interesting but I just don't want to do it. All I want is to just not do anything and just sleep forever, life is just tiring and I'm always fatigued and extremely tired. Life is just extremely hard and I just don't want it to be like that but can't and don't really want to do anything about it and I don't know why. I can't really speak to my family about it either because they just don't understand, whenever I speak to them they just think "it's an autism thing" and it's infuriating. I always tell my mum that I hate everything about me, my autism and anything else and she always tells me "don't look at autism as a negative thing" and I interrupt and just say "but I do think It's a negative thing and you can't change that. Nothing good has ever come from it, only bad things." and then she doesn't really say anything else after. I've just never really been myself, I'm always something I don't want to be. I've always hated myself and regret everything I do and nobody understands it. I've spoken to so many people like counsellors or guidance teachers and they just tell me stupid things like "have you tried counting to 10?" it's always the same basic things that they've just researched online and think it will work for everyone. I've just never had a moment of peace in my life, my body always aches, I always have headaches and every noise around me fills me with so much rage (misophonia, not diagnosed but pretty obvious). I have extremely bad sensory processing disorder and that and everything else just makes me feel like some sort of alien maybe? I don't even know.
Thanks to anyone that reads this and maybe replies. It's just all my thoughts in my head right now, It's currently 2:30am and I just had to get this out somewhere.