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Psychosis during a shutdown?

Salmairion

Hello, 

I'm feeling really desperate which is why I'm posting here, looking for any guidance or reassurance. 

I'm 29 years old, female, have recently been diagnosed with ASD. I suffer from co-morbid, life-long depression, anxiety, and a lot of trauma (c-ptsd?) from past abusive relationships (sexual and emotional abuse from being groomed and raped at the age of 13 years - until 20 - old by a much older teacher at a psychiatric hospital, and emotional abuse from my older ex with whom I was in a relationship for 6 years). 

I was ready to kill myself back in September of 2021, and then I met my current partner in October. We don't live in the same country (he's in Scotland, I'm in Belgium), the long distance is incredibly difficult for us, and for me especially given the relational trauma I suffer from. It feels like we're soulmates, we understand each other like no one else ever has, share so many interests and passions, and values. He is the one who pursued me, the first one who said he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his days with me. We met in Scotland in January for the first time and had an amazing, magical time together. We both felt like we'd found a home with each other. And he's always been so sweet, so gentle and generous and understanding of my traumatic experiences. The sex was absolutely amazing and healing for me, as were the daily gestures of affection. 

Now, I do suffer from meltdowns semi-regularly, and there are topics of discussion that trigger us both because we feel so intensely about them. But we've always managed to move past that. 

Until now. In the span of a week, my partner has shutdown abruptly twice, and this second time is the worst of the two. We had a mild disagreement on Tuesday evening during conversation by camera, and I tried defusing the situation by proposing we stop talking. But he looked so mad and just said "fine, we'll talk tomorrow" and cut off. I didn't get any word from him in 24 hours, then received an insane rambling full of metaphysical and religious imagery (he's an atheist) that I... sort of understood, but it was also just so crazy. So unrelated to me or our conversation, and in which he still stated that he thought I was his true soulmate... And in the meantime, I also received an incredibly beautiful and loving letter he hand-wrote me this past Saturday and posted on Sunday! I am completely at a loss, in full cptsd trigger mode, barely holding it together. If my parents weren't there, I'd probably have ended at the emergency room already. I sent him an e-mail trying to be as kind, gentle and non-pressuring as possible, leaving the door open for him to come back. He's come back the last two times he shutdown, but I just don't know... He's supposed to come and see me in 10 days too, and I'm just feeling completely desperate, trying to understand what the hell has happened. I haven't received any more communication from him in almost 48 hours, but I know he has read my last message... 

For context: my partner is 30, male, is undiagnosed ASD but I'm near 100% sure he is and is on a waiting list for an assessment by the NHS based on prior medical comments in his records. He lives completely alone, is estranged from his family and doesn't have any friends, has worked in software engineering but is trying to be a fiction writer. I've known him to be so deeply, intensely, and soulfully loving, but now I'm questioning everything. If he might have a PD as well, if he had a mild psychotic break this week, or just got drunk. He's been on venlafaxine for years and years now, but has slowly been tapering off of it and I'm wondering if that has been contributing to a state of psychic vulnerability, along with the stress of diminishing financial means and getting used to a new relationship - despite how much he's always told me he loves me - after years of near-total isolation. 

Does anyone else here have a similar experience, and/or advice on how I should proceed? Should I just trust he will resurface in a few days, should I just jump on a plane and go see him and be with him physically? The person I've been with for 5 months now, the person I had an amazing time with in Scotland, the person who has been generous, loving, kind, who has written me several amazingly beautiful letters and the one who sent me that unhinged message, who shut me out angrily after a stupid conversation about religion and ecology are completely different. I just don't understand... Please help. 

  • This is really complex. I'm in the UK & among certain groups, this behaviour can be normalised. It could be immaturity or just how everyone is - fun one minute and in a rage the next. It could be bipolar or alcoholic. It could be manipulative or genuine. Best case scenario, he needs some time to grow. And in order to do this, to address these inconsistencies, find a way to align his words and actions (thoughtfully say what he means and follow though) and learn how to be a dependable. Estranged from family can be normal for many of us, but to not have any friends at all is a bit odd. 

    Relationships are hard at best. But there are certain things to be mindful of, like individuals who profess their undying love a little too soon or all-or-nothing behaviour. I have a girlfriend from Italy who's around my age (40s) with a degree in psychology and dating a man our age from Glasgow who is exactly like this. The difference here is, she has knowledge to help him slowly grow in small steps. He's only recently starting to realise to focus his anger on those he's angry at and they've been in a distant relationship for 2 years.   The Scots can fly off the rail and then carry on like nothing happened. I grew up with a grandfather who was Scottish. He didn't drink much either, but smoked like a chimney and worked in the steel mill all his life. Sometimes he was scary but we knew he loved us and he'd never hurt us, but he didn't get a grip on his temper until he was old.  

    Do you have a recovery group of some sort you're a part of? Some of what you went though in life so far was not OK and I genuinely hope you have a group or therapist or a mentor who you can work through all of that with. It makes me angry that someone in authority took advantage of you - that individual should be incarcerated. Sexual abuse can cause a lot of damage. Many of us have been through it and it can affect our ability to judge what love is and what it requires. 

    Autism has a load of amazing traits. We can end up depressed by simply a lack of vitamins & an off-balance endocrine system coupled with isolation. Humans aren't designed to be alone. Anxiety can be a part of the AS hyper-speed brain, sometimes stuck like a beach ball and better shut down with a micro-dose of anti-anxiety drugs, but also our environment and relationships contribute to either things which either we need to exit or change. Creating a safe environment is imperative for our growth and well-being. You deserve to be with someone who cares about seeing you succeed and thrive. A good relationship will afford dignity and respect. We invest with each other and we give each other room to become our best selves. Sometimes we need introverted alone days, and we all need a few outside friendships we've invested in which can help provide clarity. 

    I wish I had answers. Reiterate you cannot read his mind. Allow him time to process and ask direct questions. You might be able to help him give honest answers, but don't sacrifice your well-being for his immaturity and recklessness. Some of us need baby steps but all of us can be Respectful. 

    To add: beautiful letters are easy to write. To love requires acts of selflessness. Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving is a good read. x