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Intimacy

NAS75110

My partner has never been one for cuddles and intimacy. We`ve been together 4 years and are due to marry July 2022 however the issue of intimacy, touching and cuddling has always been around - more from my side.

She is awaiting results of Autism Assessment, aged 46 years, she`s convinced she`s had the condition and does show traits which I am trying to understand and learn - although finding it difficult.

Honeymoon period of our relationship, whilst I add she did drink alcohol, we were all over each other then one morning she switched - it was light a different person and on an intimacy and emotional feelings level nothing....

She loves me, wants to be with me but doesn`t enjoy touching, intimacy or sex; makes her feel uncomfortable and she doesn`t enjoy it. I massage her feet as a relaxation for her and she sees that as a love thing and makes her feel good, occasionally we`ll hold hands but it is, like other aspects, on her terms.

I enjoy sex and intimacy, cuddling etc. So I`m asking if anyone has experienced these issues - thoughts. I am not autistic and find it hard to live as one without having the internal workings if you like on an Autistic Adult.

Thoughts please.....

I`m also looking to join a local Autism Group; I live in Cannock Staffordshire.

Kind rgards,

Kevin.

  • NAS75110 said:
    Honeymoon period of our relationship, whilst I add she did drink alcohol, we were all over each other then one morning she switched - it was light a different person and on an intimacy and emotional feelings level nothing....

    In my experience autistic people don't just change spontaneously without some big driving factor behind it. Something happened to her or she had some sort of epiphany, some massive philosophical change that shifted her world view. or she was only ever doing that sort of thing to placate you in the first place.

  • Sounds like she got comfortable in your company and stopped masking. There is a lot of pressure to act a certain way and an autistic people may be prone to emulate what they consider to be the way you are supposed to be when dating rather than act naturally. It is difficult to keep that up indefinitely though.

    I am not keen on physical intimacy but consider that to be part of sexual identity (asexual) rather than autism. There seem to be more asexual people amongst autistics than in the general population.

    I would suggest open and honest conversations. If your needs are not being met you probably won't be happy. 

  • Hi Kevin. 

    What is she interested in? You might try engaging with her intellectually. 

    for most couples tho, autistic or allistic, humans don’t just switch off with out something building up and snapping. For those of us with AS who didn’t know we couldn’t identify emotions or didn’t know we were withdrawn/had a lack of interoception, we may not know why we no longer feel it’s safe to be vulnerable, which is the pre-requisite for intimacy. The difference here is autistics find it excessively hard work to not be authentic while allistic individuals who are adept with language and social codes have learned a form of fantasy-authenticity. This isn’t actually a bad thing if you think of it like a theatre / improv game NeuroTypical individuals seem innate at engaging with. It’s quite romantic. But for autistic individuals, our brains don’t work that way. I can play along if I know the rules- and sometimes rules which NTs might not know, but a psychologist would. 

    So to be vulnerable with my partner, they need to outwardly express things which I find safe. This may be worth exploring with a therapist. :)