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Compulsively doing things the same way even though you know it hurts your partner

Ninjamelody

Hello,

There are certain things that has been causing tension between me and my partner, one case is doing laundry. Usually it's me who does it, my wife asked me multiple times that she'd want to put laundry away herself but I kept putting her laundry away whild also putting mine away, my way.

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She usually gets really mad and brings up hurtful and resentful things from the past. I get overwhelmed, I shut down and stonewall her. She wants comfort and emotional validation while I have thousands of thoughts on why I'm such a horrible human for never learning to stop these compulsions vs. negative thoughts about in my head to her "it's just laundry and can be solved, why such a big deal? Stop being so sensitive!". I am not in the stare of mind to come up with a kind, compassionate, and timely response until I isolate myself and rearrange my feelings (and recently cry, since therapy began I am able to cry now from almost never able to cry at all).

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Anyone got some pointers that will prevent compulsions in doing things the way you used to? Thank you so much

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Btw. Thanks to this community, I used to see that this kind of question is dumb but I am no longer ashamed asking this.

Parents

  • Well me and my partner would have those minor type of disagreements when it comes to household chores as well, but the thing is, I learned that as long as the chore gets done in the end, who cares. I mean, there's always going to be laundry, there's always going to be dishes, and so forth, and it's not worth fighting and upsetting each other every single time these things need to get done. Because if you do laundry often and you upset eachother every time it happens, all those negative moments add up.

    We do things differently, he has his way and I have mine, and every person has a different way of doing things, and I learned to just "walk away" when he's doing things his way, because if I stand there next to him, I have the urge to tell him how to do things and vice versa, so I just choose to let him do things his way, and I'll go and do something else with my time. 

    I'm not really sure why your wife will bring up hurtful and resentful things from the past, and then think that you'd then be in a mood to  comfort her. That makes little sense. I'd find that is like if I hit you with a baseball bat, and then I expected you to give me a hug. It is just strange. 

    I've noticed that many females when faced with an emotional issues are used to someone being there to comfort them, and they expect that their partner will display that type of comforting behavior towards them. However, many males when faced with emotional issues, prefer to be left alone to sort it all out. So these are almost completely opposite ways of handling emotional issues. 

  • in reply to Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

    Hi Hippo! Thanks a lot for the well thought out response!

    You made very interesting points and I believe it comes to how each of us were conditioned differently as a child. For me I fit the male description you made as I prefer to be left alone to sort things (especially if I were on the wrong), I was raise not to express anger and frustration especially to someone older. 

    For my wife, her abuse was different, she's been through negligence and abandonment, it is very important to have her emotions addressed, no matter I'm on the wrong or not. For me to learn to support her that way has been an ordeal to make improvements.

    but thanks a lot to your response, I'm abld to verbalize this

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  • in reply to Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

    Hi Hippo! Thanks a lot for the well thought out response!

    You made very interesting points and I believe it comes to how each of us were conditioned differently as a child. For me I fit the male description you made as I prefer to be left alone to sort things (especially if I were on the wrong), I was raise not to express anger and frustration especially to someone older. 

    For my wife, her abuse was different, she's been through negligence and abandonment, it is very important to have her emotions addressed, no matter I'm on the wrong or not. For me to learn to support her that way has been an ordeal to make improvements.

    but thanks a lot to your response, I'm abld to verbalize this

Children
  • in reply to Ninjamelody

    I'm glad that my response could help you in some way. I mean, we are all conditioned in a certain way in childhood, but it's hard to understand exactly what that conditioning would be, because it becomes our normal everyday reactions. 

    Now that I think about your situation, I think that when you walk away from conflict to be left alone, your wife might be triggered to feel that she's being abandoned and neglected by you because you're walking away from her, and that is something you might want to be careful about. I think that communicating is always good so everyone that is on the same page, and no one is misunderstood.