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Compulsively doing things the same way even though you know it hurts your partner

Ninjamelody

Hello,

There are certain things that has been causing tension between me and my partner, one case is doing laundry. Usually it's me who does it, my wife asked me multiple times that she'd want to put laundry away herself but I kept putting her laundry away whild also putting mine away, my way.

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She usually gets really mad and brings up hurtful and resentful things from the past. I get overwhelmed, I shut down and stonewall her. She wants comfort and emotional validation while I have thousands of thoughts on why I'm such a horrible human for never learning to stop these compulsions vs. negative thoughts about in my head to her "it's just laundry and can be solved, why such a big deal? Stop being so sensitive!". I am not in the stare of mind to come up with a kind, compassionate, and timely response until I isolate myself and rearrange my feelings (and recently cry, since therapy began I am able to cry now from almost never able to cry at all).

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Anyone got some pointers that will prevent compulsions in doing things the way you used to? Thank you so much

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Btw. Thanks to this community, I used to see that this kind of question is dumb but I am no longer ashamed asking this.

Parents

  • Maybe you need to discuss this together when you are both calm, and before the next load of washing gets put away. Which one of you is autistic or are you both?

    If your wife was NT then I would consider this an overreaction, bringing up unpleasant things form the past is never helpful to resolve conflict in a relationship. I am going through diagnosis currently and my wife is NT (though does have some traits). Washing is one of the things that she does, and it always bothers me the she puts clothes on hangers the other way round to me. Sometimes it really annoys me as I think to myself she knows that the little things bug me and it's no big deal to her which way they go round (When I do washing I put hers on the hangers the way she does), but it's never been an argument because I do appreciate that she is doing something for me and because I do most of the cooking I always do things my way.

    Our son is 7 and is diagnosed, so in our hose there is a lot of 'picking our battles' ie acknowledging that you can't have it all and only bringing up contentious issues that are worth the potential hassle/argument (don't sweat the smaller stuff). I appreciate this is difficult as we all have different tolerances of what we can stand.

    Ask her why it bothers her for you to put her clothes away (maybe she has a particular order or system that you're not aware of) and think about why you always put it away when you know it will lead to arguments. I doubt either of those things are worth the hassle so maybe you can come to an agreement of how to proceed 

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  • Maybe you need to discuss this together when you are both calm, and before the next load of washing gets put away. Which one of you is autistic or are you both?

    If your wife was NT then I would consider this an overreaction, bringing up unpleasant things form the past is never helpful to resolve conflict in a relationship. I am going through diagnosis currently and my wife is NT (though does have some traits). Washing is one of the things that she does, and it always bothers me the she puts clothes on hangers the other way round to me. Sometimes it really annoys me as I think to myself she knows that the little things bug me and it's no big deal to her which way they go round (When I do washing I put hers on the hangers the way she does), but it's never been an argument because I do appreciate that she is doing something for me and because I do most of the cooking I always do things my way.

    Our son is 7 and is diagnosed, so in our hose there is a lot of 'picking our battles' ie acknowledging that you can't have it all and only bringing up contentious issues that are worth the potential hassle/argument (don't sweat the smaller stuff). I appreciate this is difficult as we all have different tolerances of what we can stand.

    Ask her why it bothers her for you to put her clothes away (maybe she has a particular order or system that you're not aware of) and think about why you always put it away when you know it will lead to arguments. I doubt either of those things are worth the hassle so maybe you can come to an agreement of how to proceed 

Children