I've been up for most of the night couldn't sleep which is usual for me. I've done a lot of thinking about the things that have happened recently, about things that have happened during my life and about myself as a fellow autistic individual. I try not to do this because it depresses me because I see all my flaws and problems and don't really see much of a future ahead. The problem is I don't see myself or life changing all that much. Each year I promise myself that I'm going to do better than last and really change things up and improve my life and who I am as a person and at the end of each year there's just disappointment where I've not changed or I got worse. Thing is and I've read it online but people don't really like autistics do they. Or if they do it's a small number of people. Most definitely don't understand. My mum always told me to be myself and at school I tried that and I got bullied so bad. People made jokes about me, called me a freak and retard. Now even as an adult I still get that sometimes from other adults. Crazy how nasty people can be just because your a little different. A few years ago I tried dating and found I couldn't do that either. My communicating left a lot to be desired, I made very little eye contact, kept playing with my hands and when he went to kiss me I flinched and moved back. So yeah there wasn't a second date and there haven't been any since. Until recently I did manage to keep a job for 3 and a half years. That's probably the most impressive thing that I've done. I've been thinking about work and I could get another job but I'm not seeing the point now. That would probably just end in anxiety and disappointment as well. I've no friends and life is lonely for me, I have dad and my step mum but there just my parents and don't really get how things actually are. That's why I joined Nas to make some friends and to have a place where I can be myself. I think I have made maybe a friend or two and I'm grateful to everyone who tolerates me. But looking at it I don't really fit in here either. Wherever I go I don't really fit in all that well. Funny enough I did at school with the children, they really liked me but I'm nothing special children love everyone haha it's their nature. So cute.
It has been good here the last few days and I enjoyed talking to you all but I don't feel I can do this now so I'm out. I know a lot of people with autism don't fit in and feel alone, and they work through it but I don't know how because it makes me extremely depressed, suicidal and overwhelmed. But lets not get in to that as well or we'll be here all day.
Take care everyone,
Dawn S