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Am I autistic?

NAS77116

Hi

In all 20 years of my life, I don't believe there has been even one person whom I would consider a 'friend'. Often people might make friends with me only to dump me later on, coz they find me really odd to be around. I simply do not know how to behave when I'm amongst people. Often I find it extremely difficult to put into words and express something, even with my own family. Whenever I'm about to make a phone call, I plan and rehearse what I'm about to say because if I don't I'll mess up completely. And this isn't everything. There are simple everyday things that seem to come naturally to everyone but I have to learn them off like theories. For example, in secondary school chemistry classes, we have to perform experiments, most of the time in groups, often spontaneously. Everyone seems to know how to go about doing it, while I just stand there contemplating how to start when everyone's almost finished with everything. I've literally been scolded by teachers at school for not doing very simple things such as arranging a chair and putting something into an envelope and sealing it correctly, because despite them explaining how to do these things multiple times, I simply cannot understand it. I stumbled across a video on YouTube of someone saying that being autistic feels like being an alien thrust upon a planet where everyone, but yourself, seems to have an instruction manual on how to be a human being. I feel like that's my life sometimes. The worse part is, if I am autistic, it's nearly impossible for me to get an official diagnosis for a good while. Where I live, you need a go on an ridiculously long waiting list if you want to have it done for free though socialized health care or spend a fortune to have it done privately, where the waiting list may be much shorter. To make matters worse, I come from a culture where there's a huge stigma around autism, people don't even have much idea about autism due to lack of awareness.

  • in reply to NAS77116

    It is pointless going over your traits again, hoping for enlightenment here . No one here can diagnose you. At the very least, doing the online tests will give you some indication of your autistic status. Once you have a set of test results within the autistic range, you will then have a basis for asking for a formal diagnosis. Sorry to be blunt, but only you can start to progress in the direction of gaining the clarification you obviously require.

  • in reply to NAS77116

    Do the AQ50 and do more research - as DaveAsperg says, you need to know who you are so you can be comfortable.  Knowing for sure if you have ASD will be very helpful and, if you are sure you are Autistic, then fine as nothing has really changed but you know a it more about yourself and ASD often gives as well as having issues.

  • Some of the things that kind of tipped me and other people off:

    • I had pretty bad sensory issues, mostly surrounding patterns and textures. I couldn't eat a lot of things because of the texture or temperature because it'll make me sick. The some of the only thing I ate for YEARS were noodles, thick pizza, and pediasure. Soft foods. Patterns? Things like dots and small stripes would send me into a full on meltdown. I didn't know why, but I couldn't take it. Loud noises would also make me freak out, and cause a lot of issues for me because my hometown is into loud music and parties. My parents had to stop going to church because the loud speakers would send me into a full on breakdown.

    • I was incredibly shy, awkward, and "mute" unless it was a subject I was obsessed with (Caribbean genealogy and the Titanic)

    • Changes in my overall schedule or life that I wasn't prepared for sent me into extreme bouts of anxiety. Most NT children would get over *** in like a few days and maybe huff and puff about it. Me? No, that was not the case at all.

    • I used to copy phrases and statements from my favorite shows. Like, I'd just repeat what I saw.

    • I used to rock violently in class and chew on this gold necklace I had for comfort. Possible stimming? I think so.

    • Hyperfixation on my favorite things were also a sign too. I used to play the Sims 3, roleplay online, or research varying microbiome topics from 5 AM to midnight if my folks didn't pull me off the computer

    • As I said before, I was more.. Infantile compared to the other kids. I was more sensitive, I would break down more, and I would feel more comfortable playing with dolls and toys up until I was a grown teen. As I said, a lot of teachers questioned why I was in the class (usually some advanced course) because if I was put to do the work I could do it, but I was SOO behind of my peers.

    • Speaking omegle of teachers, one of em just straight up told me "Oh um... Noodle is.. Special"

    • Face blindness. I couldn't even visualize my relatives' faces.

    • For the life of me I couldn't (still can't) follow instructions unless it was written out or explained in detail. It made a lot of teachers shagle think I was a bit um... "slow on the upkeep" which technically I was because I needed things explained more than once but I wasn't like dumb.

      But basically what I was trying to say (I think) was that my mom's friend worked with special needs kids told my mom that she suspected that I had (at the time) Asperger's--Obviously currently, Asperger's isn't used anymore, but back in the earlier 2000s it was. Anyway this woman was a specialist in Pediatric Behavioral Health & Therapy, and was one of the only one in her field in my hometown. She's been doing it for years, if she said she saw something in you, then there was something lol. She was also qualified to make diagnosis for some intellecual and development disorders. She told my mom how I acted was odd for my age, and saw signs/symptoms in me that matched with the other kids she worked with:

      I didn't like playing with other kids, I stimmed a lot, I was somewhat defiant, I was an extremely picky eater and I despised certain textures, I was very territorial about my belongings, I had frequent meltdowns where things wouldn't go as planned and I would hurt myself, I refused to touch what other people touched because it would feel weird and gross, I excelled at reading/literature where I was pretty advanced for my age/grade but I was horrible at math, I walked on my toes for the longest, and I lagged behind my peers a bit socially.

      She noticed that, and told my mom to get me tested. My mom never got me tested. 

  • You need to get to like yourself and do what you are good at. Question whether having a diagnosis will make matters better or worse.

    Autistic people can do wonders and be extremely successful ( if a bit unusual)

  • You might find the book I Think I Might Be Autistic by Cynthia Kim useful - as well as being a quick guide to autism it has a summary of the DSM-5 criteria and a list of common ASD traits.

    This was enough to convince me (along with the AQ50 test) that I am autistic without a formal diagnosis which I probably won't bother with due to waiting list (NHS) and excessive expense (private).

  • It sounds like you display autistic traits. Short of a formal diagnosis, the best things to do are: look at the formal DSM-5 diagnostic criteria and see if your traits and history fit them, and do some autism tests online,, the most useful seem to be the AQ50 and RAADS-R tests. If you score within the autistic thresholds, then it will give you a clearer indication of your autism status.