Getting diagnosis (adult) - yes or no

Isn't it strange, how many of us are only diagnosed in our later years! I guess it was never picked up upon when I was a child. I was always "too sensitive, too naive" and "awkward child", a "delinquent" etc., etc. As it happens I was also very, very studious and if any of my teachers wanted to find me (because I missed lessons sometimes), my dad would "you'll probably find her in the library, she's always got her head buried in a book/books" and lo, there I was, in the school library literally surrounded by a wall (a 'fortress' of books) -- it's who I am!

My issue is that no-one seems to either really know what it is like to be on the Spectrum, unless you are on the Spectrum. When I was a child, like you, I had serious, serious issues with people, never with animals, books. I had acute and chronic episodes of mental illness. My mother was bi-polar, dad had severe PTSD because of the war (WW2), my brother became an alcoholic.

My mother died of multiple organ failure (alcohol). When I was very young she sent me to a psychiatrist who wanted to get me committed to a mental hospital. I fought that, and got away. But the legacy of all this, plus emotional and psychological abuse perpetrated by my mother did not at all help the situation.

As an adult, of course I still have issues, and have developed survival strategies but I'm constantly exhausted; extreme tiredness and the repercussions of any social events that I attend leave their mark. Sometimes rage and at the same time, suicidal tendencies really get me down and people get scared because I lose control.

Normally I go off and drive somewhere, where no-one can judge, or criticise me, and then I have freedom. Long walks in the country where there are no people whatsoever is my salve. I just wish I had some animals who go with me!

Animals for some reason gravitate to me. I love animals, really love animals. It scares me sometimes how if humans suffer I don't bat an eyelid, if an animal suffers, I'm a wreck.

In an another life I travelled on my own to Africa, both north and south where there is space. In the Sahara Desert or the Kalahari there is no-one - I like it this way, just me and the elements in a 4wd. I guess this is also who I am.

So I echo, and fully comprehend and understand your predicament. My own daughter as serious anxiety and depression problems, she'd often a wreck to0. She's got two boys of 10 and 8 and is a single mum, so yes, her life is not good either most of the time.

She like me descends to dark places so often and in her case she self-harms and takes certain substances. In my case I still have suicidal thoughts. It is so tempting, almost irresistible, to commit suicide; nobody even knows and I like it this way. I never speak of it, only to people who are in the 'know' like my daughter and my one best friend from school, whom I've know since I was 11!

But at the end of the day, I am a who I am. I am also a scientist and a writer, so it has taken me a long time to even begin thinking and acknowledging that I have been on the spectrum all along, for all of my life. Because I had all these stereotypes about Aspergers and Autism.

R

I wish I could help you more with regards to your son. It is so difficult, and it is so sad that many people just don't 'get' it, do they?

What you say is true, although I'm thankful that I was not diagnosed as a child or teenager - 'treatments' for people with autism in those days were not always very nice, and I don't believe I would have had the education, the career, or the lifestyle that I've been able to enjoy if I'd carried that label since the 70s.   Very different, now.  Glad you 'got away' from the psychiatrist.  

What you say is true, although I'm thankful that I was not diagnosed as a child or teenager - 'treatments' for people with autism in those days were not always very nice, and I don't believe I would have had the education, the career, or the lifestyle that I've been able to enjoy if I'd carried that label since the 70s.   Very different, now.  Glad you 'got away' from the psychiatrist.  

Very good point, I think the support post diagnosis has come a very long way and Ive discovered some great resources and local groups for my son. The problem I feel is with getting the diagnosis which I've found to be of great concern to many after seeing several TV and articles highlight the issue, my own experience and speaking with others. I worry many won't get the support they need as many dont get diagnosed when it would benefit them as they may get fobbed off.  I'm lucky that my work provide private medical so I can get my diagnosis unfortunately they couldn't cover my son so it took almost 3 years, however the school can now get more provisions and support in place to help my son