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Just diagnosed and confused about self - who am "I"

Tania

Hi,

my diagnosing doctor told me (according to the tests) that I (42) was one of the slowest people. Actually out of a 100 people - 99 were faster.

I knew I was slow, but that exasperated my low self image about that part of myself. I try to view it as that I am a very relaxed person. but I am not.
I am anxious most of the time.
But I have extreme issues with emotional dysregulation and sensory processing. Just someone talking might be enough at the end of the day to
get me over the edge.


But here is what I was getting at:
When I first self-diagnosed I got into this big self-image confusion.
I learned about masking and copying other people.
So if I have done this - and I know I have - who is this person under the mask?

I have tried to be more myself at home and right away got a comment that I perceived as non-accepting of my me.
This ended in a meltdown.

I also feel like I have to mask at home  so my family can live with me. Having lived this way, it is hard to undo, or not do.
I often want to have my own place, so I can be myself, but that is close to impossible. I don't have the energy either.

My doctor also asked me if I have gender issues, and I do. But I didn't think that it was strong or important.
But now anything is possible. He thought maybe that that was my underlying problem.

Has anyone experienced anything like this?
I appreciate any comment. Thanks.

Parents

  • For me it feel like a gradual process of unpacking past trauma wrapped in broken glass.  

    My autism journey started (like so many adults) with my child's diagnosis and each layer of issues seem like dealing with a new thing that is on fire. 

    With time I have tried to deal with the issue that is causing me the most pain and sadness at the time and it is just one foot in front of the other until i see how far i have come not how far I have to go.

  • in reply to BigFridgeTroll

    That sounds painful. My experience is right now is different in that I am relieved to understand the drama in my life comes from my autism. I haven't gotten to a point where I grieve.
    I suppose I try not to think of how my kids and I could have been different too often. I have said a few times that I would have done things differently with them had I known. But fact is, I didn't know, and I tend to believe I do the best I can each day with what I know and the resources I have. I find that thought unburdens me of  some of the guilt I feel. Then again I go through the events and feel bad for them.

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  • in reply to BigFridgeTroll

    That sounds painful. My experience is right now is different in that I am relieved to understand the drama in my life comes from my autism. I haven't gotten to a point where I grieve.
    I suppose I try not to think of how my kids and I could have been different too often. I have said a few times that I would have done things differently with them had I known. But fact is, I didn't know, and I tend to believe I do the best I can each day with what I know and the resources I have. I find that thought unburdens me of  some of the guilt I feel. Then again I go through the events and feel bad for them.

Children
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